I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway450305
My [28F] boyfriend [27M] of three years refused to pull over while he was driving, pissed himself, and then kinda blamed me for it.
TRIGGER WARNING: >!Controlling behavior, gaslighting!<
Original Post Apr 10, 2016
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. We were driving in the back roads for an hour and near the beginning of our journey he said he needed to piss. I asked him at least four or five times if he wanted to pull over, since he was driving, and he refused. When we were almost home, with a gas station in sight, he said he couldn't make it any longer and pissed his pants.
It was a very awkward ride home the rest of the way (10 minutes). I didn't mention it and helped him clean it up while he showered and put on some fresh shorts.
He then tried to leave my house to return to his own house after he got out. I asked why and he said that it was because of him peeing himself and it happened because I was mad at him over something he had said before we left from our destination (what he said wasn't relevant to the. Previous to us getting into the car, I had told him I didn't want to talk about the issue for an hour, and just wanted to cool down a bit before we discussed it, as I need some time to process things. I wasn't overly chatty during the car ride home, but I wasn't giving him the cold shoulder or anything. He said he just wanted to get home to discuss it (totally against his character, he is completely against confrontation), and that he didn't want to pull over so he could get out of the car quicker. I didn't really understand his explanation, but I haven't pushed.
Reddit, I've had a hard time dealing with this. On one hand, I know that bodily functions sometimes cannot be controlled, but he was in full control of the car and himself and refused to pull over. Then he kinda shifted the blame to me. I've had a hard time looking at him the same way. I mean he is a grown man, why is he pissing himself? I feel terrible for feeling this way, but he never acted embarrassed or anything, just kinda got defensive. I asked him if this has ever happened before, and he insisted that it hasn't.
Am I overreacting to what happened? I feel like I might be.
tl;dr: Boyfriend was driving and needed to pee. He refused to pull over and pissed his pants. Blamed me because I was upset over something he had said on why he did it.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
kallisti_gold
No, you aren't overreacting. He pissed himself instead of pulling over for a minute. He was fully in control of his body and his car the entire time, his actions are a result of his own decisions and have nothing do with you.
I'd have trouble respecting him ever again after hearing him blame me for his decision to piss his pants. It's like a toddler yelling, "Look what you made me do!"
OOP
Him acting like a toddler is what it kinda felt like... I was like "Why did you do that?" and he was like "Cause you were mad at me". I was so confused because I don't see how the two correlate.
I'm having a really hard time feeling sexually attracted to him since then, which I'm not sure is normal or why I feel this way. It's just like he tries to initiate and I cannot get turned on at all.
dragonfruitfly
Maybe because it would be hard to be attracted to someone who behaves like a 3 year old.
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tsukiii
Wow. I mean, he was probably embarrassed and became defensive to cover up his shame, but still. He could have pulled over at any time! He has nobody to blame but himself for pissing his pants.
He's acting like a toddler, and it would be smart to look back and see if this kind of behavior is a pattern. Blaming you for his own mistakes is a shitty thing to do.
OOP
He does have a tendency to blame everyone else for his problems or mistakes. Nothing is ever his fault.
Update - rareddit Apr 29, 2016 (19 Days Later)
I deleted the original post because I was afraid he was going to see it, but in case it is still visible:
If you can't see the OP, try googling the title. That thread blew up wayyy more than I thought it would. I had originally posted it before six months ago when the incident originally happened and didn't get any response - so I truly thought I was underreacting and kind of swallowed my concerns.. but over time they kept creeping up.. and I started noticing more and more that everything was my fault in his life so I decided to re-post it again. This post really affirmed what I knew but didn't want to accept for whatever reason - that the relationship had to end.
The thread made me think a lot about my life and what our life together would look like. All I could think about was this (his pissing himself) happening again in the future. I thought about us having children and how he would deal with them. I thought about having to make tough decisions with him. I thought about making tough financial decisions. I thought about having to go through tough life events like losing a parent. I realized that I would always be blamed for things that went wrong, even though they were not my fault or in my control and that he wasn't someone I could truly rely on for support. It just took him to literally, and purposefully, lose control of his own bladder for me to see this.
I broke up with him a few days after the original post. I told him I wasn't happy with the relationship anymore and that I wanted out. He didn't really fight or ask why, so it was a surprisingly easy break up. He has had other issues in his life and refuses in general the idea of therapy, so I didn't even suggest it for whatever issues he has going on when I ended it. Not really my problem or concern anymore.
Despite being together three years, I was surprised with how relieved I felt when I let it go (pun totally intended!). I think I mourned the relationship for a day or two, and I've been totally fine since. I've been hitting the gym almost every day at lunch and have had plans every night with friends or family (I generally am a social person) so I really haven't let the loss of this relationship get me down.
I guess if anything, this whole thing has really opened my eyes to trusting my gut and my instincts. I knew him pissing himself was fucked up, and I knew and felt like he was blaming me. I should have trusted my gut and ended it right then and there when he truly showed me who he was.
tl;dr: Boyfriend pissed himself and blamed me. Broke up with him a few days later. I'm totally fine.
FINAL COMMENTS
electrobolt
God bless you for updating. You made the right call here and I'm sure you have better things ahead.
OOP
I wasn't even going to update until I saw another thread update last night that I was super concerned about and wondered what ended up happening. Then I was and I was like "Hmmm, maybe people want to know what happened to the girl whose boyfriend pissed himself" haha!
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Obiterdicta80
Great job OP! And I feel reasonably confident saying that this will never happen to you again!
OOP
I can say with the utmost certainty that if a man ever pisses his pants again in a car with me in it, I am tuck and rolling out of that moving vehicle.
Or in any other circumstance.. I will definitely figuratively and literally run away.
Built-In
Hah! That made me laugh. I think you should be open to others about this, if you haven't been already. Family, friends, new boyfriends when you get there.
It's such a WTF scenario that it makes a great dinner story.
OOP
I've only told my mother and best friend. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I don't really want to go around spreading this. As good of a conversation/dinner story it would be, I'm not really malicious.
I will definitely bring it up to future boyfriends though.
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Malört and/or OOP's ex: These pants won't piss themselves!
Omg Malort sighting
What I randomly top comment that I actually understand!
ootl but what's Malort?
As a dude, the world is your urinal. Don’t give yourself kidney stones to prove a point.
He doesn’t even need to crouch down!!
Right!! As a woman I have to get my whole ass out to pee on the side of the road, so I've got to find at least enough grass to give the illusion of privacy. Y'all can just stand by the back tyre with your back to oncoming traffic!
Even pissing in a damn bottle woulda been better than this.
The funny thing is the pissing was just what took to end a already broken relationship. The piss was a literal and proverbial last drop.
The moment was the epitome of everything she had ever encountered
I just can't believe it was three fuckin years. That's after move-in and/or marriage/kid talk time(which should start at 1.5yrs).
Where does your flair come from?
A 27 year old man who pisses his own pants as revenge because his girlfriend was mad at him also refuses to go therapy? You don't say. I'm so relieved this woman is free from whatever the fuck was going on with that guy.
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Pissing his pants was bad enough. Blaming her for it even though she urged him to pull over and go is just insanity. Did he just not want her to be 'right' that he needed to take a leak so he held it in? Whut
He doesn’t seem to understand its better to be pissed off than pissed on.
He wanted to break up but was too chicken shit to do it so she had to. She had probably missed or forgiven all his previous attempts.
They were due to have a difficult conversation about his behaviour when they got home, and this gave him an excuse to derail that and dip before they could get back to it.
Dude definitely had something else going on mentally. Not saying that as a derogative - she was right to leave, but somebody who does something like that so casually maybe needs a check-in. He was the right age for possible diagnoses to start making themselves clear.
She said he had ‘other stuff going on’ in reply to people recommending therapy - and that he wouldn’t engage for those other reasons either. So- if you won’t help yourself, don’t be surprised if others peace out on you. “Won’t” and not “can’t” - just to be clear. If it is a one off or illness then not helping is the jerk move.
It’s not medical, I’ve known people who would do this exact thing. They’re angry their partner is angry with them (because only they are allowed to be angry) so they do something deliberately irrational that they can blame their partner for and have a reason to justify them being MORE angry than their partner is. Honestly this is par for the course for people who cannot accept fault, who blame everyone but themselves, and who see conflict as competition. Nothing they ever do is wrong, so if they do something wrong, it’s someone else’s fault.
Tonight's BORUs are all about man children
My favourite bedtime reading
It’s pretty much a BORU staple.
Up until about 10-15 years ago we used to praise women for being independent and not relying on men. We need to start praising independent men who don’t rely on women to clean, cook, manage their emotions and when they need to go pee pee.
What timezone are you in? Because for me the BORU’s get uploaded at 2pm
You know I’m glad that op updated but it also makes wonder how many people just break up and move on and never update again. Because they’re not even thinking about it anymore. The I didn’t break up when I should have and everyone told me to definitely gets more update fodder.
I respond relatively often to people in bad relationships. When I and the majority gives the advice breaking up would be better, but no follow up ever comes, I always fear the worst. There are still a few people I think about regularly, how they’re doing now…
So... checks notes
... wow.
In full sight of a gas station no less.
You're missing the part where this got him out of having the difficult conversation they were originally going to have when they got home.
Honestly, I think most of this is very excusable. Don't get me wrong, since childhood I never pissed myself but sometimes the human condition makes us do really dumb stuff. But then blaming this onto your girlfriend who freaking helped you clean up the piss mess (as you so beautifully put it) speaks of a bad character.
Good for her that she was over it so quickly. Some people can hold a grudge and be really pissed at the ex 🤗
OP did everything right- most folks would be lucky to have an understanding and helpful partner in that sort of situation. Dude really messed up (in more ways than one!).
Pissing his pants is embarrassing for him, awkward for other people. But it's following it up with "Look what you made me do!" that makes him a man-toddler.
Dude coulda pulled over *literally anywhere* and pissed off the side of the road, even. But in this chode ass loser's mind, pissing himself was so w kind of weird power play...? I'm *thrilled* OOP dumped him.
My theory is he did it to get out of the difficult conversation they were supposed to have when they got home.
He’s like the kid that gets mad and holds their breath to manipulate you into doing what they want. “You made me angry so I pissed myself” is in the same vein.
So... am I the only one wondering if this is the start of a public pissing fetish for the BF...?
I'm dying to know how he's going to try and spin the breakup to his next girlfriend. Will he pretend it was something else, or own it and still blame her? I hope it's the latter so other women have a warning.
"I was sick, she wanted to get home fast to discuss things, so I couldn't stop the car." Or something like this.
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Just can’t imagine being the ex-bf in that scenario. “I had to find somewhere” will be at least 98% of my brain function during that whole drive, I’ll be analyzing at every exit, every sign, even if the damned gas station doesn’t have bathroom in it I’ll be looking for like stores or Starbucks etc., or even somewhere simply private enough.
Dude, illness or disability or injury is one thing.... As much as I love my partner of 7 years, if he chose to voluntarily piss himself for something like that, I think I would probably have the ick
…OK, when I told my friend to just let me disappear in to the desert and tell everyone I died heroically saving a baby jackrabbit I would at least have hung around long enough to try and clean up my mess while crying? We made it to a gas
I'm just laughing that you will always remember him as the guy who pissed himself in the car. Him trying to blame you for that is even more embarrassing.
Making the decision to pee yourself and then have another person clean your piss up. Wow. And to serious say "it is your fault i peed myself" as if they hold a gun as his head... Who wouldn’t want this prestine version of a man.
He was trying to punish her. Glad she broke up with him, it would have been a miserable life with him.
My immediate thought as well.
I don't even understand what she had to think about. He peed himself and then tried to blame her for his bodily actions. The male loneliness epidemic is self-inflicted.
he was 27????????????????
So he chose to piss himself to avoid confrontation? And blame oop? I bet he thinks he's smart
Silly, irrelevant question: How do people hit the gym at lunch? (Assuming an in office job).
The habit of holding it so strong that I am honestly not sure I could piss myself even if someone offered me a million dollars to do it. The levels the level of stubbornness OOP's ex shows is astonishing.
I'm just wondering if it was in his car or hers. I'd be incandescent with rage if someone intentionally pissed in my car seat. You know that will never fully come out. Eww!
Boyfriend is a housecat and decided he was just gonna piss right there because he was upset.