I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Own_Task_7932
Originally posted to r/AITAH
I told my dad I won't call his wife my step mom AITAH?
Original Post: July 7, 2026
I found my biological father six years ago through a DNA test, but that's a long story for another day. Two years ago, I finally got the chance to meet him for the first time. We live in different countries, so I stayed with him for two weeks. We were so alike it was almost creepy. We liked our food the same way, could practically read each other's minds, and our lives had all these weird similarities. We even had matching tattoos, the same breed and colour of dogs, and the family resemblance was uncanny.
He had recently gone through a divorce when I visited. I also have a younger brother, who was 15 at the time.
Fast forward to now. My dad had been planning to come and visit me, but he kept putting it off for two years because he wanted to wait until my little brother was old enough to be independent. My brother is now 17 and in his last year of high school.
Since I left, my dad has been living like a college bachelor. He's fallen head over heels for at least five different women. The first one turned out to be a Russian prostitute who ended up locking herself inside a beer fridge at a liquor store during what seemed to be a psychotic episode. The police had to escort her out. She was also only 30 years old. I was 33 at the time.
The most recent girlfriend before this one? He got engaged to her after only a few weeks. Then he ended things just as quickly after finding out she spent every afternoon at bars with her daughter's ex-husband, who also happened to be a drug addict.
Now there's a new woman. She's 30, and I'm 34.
At first, I didn't think much of it because I assumed it was just another long-distance relationship. Then I found out my dad was planning to rent out my little brother's room while he stayed with his mum for a month, and someone suggested this woman needed a place to stay. Within days they were sleeping together.
A few days ago he called me to tell me they're already talking about getting married and having babies. My dad is in his late 50s. I said, "That would make you almost 80 by the time your kid turns 18." He just laughed and kissed her.
Then he started talking about bringing her with him when he comes to visit me. That's when I got really upset.
I told him, "Dad, I really need you to think about what you're doing." He'd always talked about coming to visit me a few times before eventually moving here. It was already going to be difficult for him to get residency, but now he's talking about adding a new wife and a baby into the mix, which makes it even more complicated.
He already delayed visiting me for years because of my younger brother, and now I feel like he's starting an entirely new life. I told him that if that's what he wants, I don't think I can keep investing emotionally because I need to protect myself from being hurt and let down again.
I also told him that if he marries her, I'll never call her my stepmum. I'd probably joke that she's my little stepsister with a really weird relationship with our dad.
So... am I the asshole?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions, but leaning toward NTA
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: The dad is worse than a teenager. OP is acting like the adult.
OOP: I always feel like that thank you for validating that.
Commenter 2: Is your Dad hoping you'll sponsor him & the fiancé du jour for residency of the country you live in?
OOP: Know he's funding himself, but I am his sponsor he would come on a parenting visa so if marries her technically she would be a step mum relation.
Commenter 3: NTA , you kinda might have to let him go which is hard but clearly he’s shown how much your worth because I hate to say this but if he wanted to he would . Also where your brothers mother or couldn’t he have taken tour brother with or left him a few days with someone else . Theres holes and he could've shown more effort maybe you’re not alike because he sounds very careless about your feelings
OOP: That's the thing—my dad could have either left my little brother with his mom or even brought him along. I actually talked to my brother's mom and asked if he could come visit me. She said yes, and even said she'd help pay for the trip.
I also asked if she'd consider letting him stay with me for the summer so I could help him get into a trade and send him home with some skills. She said that might be a bit too long, which I completely understand.
The thing is, my little brother is already staying with his mom for the last month of summer anyway. He doesn't even know that he might end up coming home to a new stepmom.
Commenter 4: NTA – Reading your post, it seems your father never mentally matured. He acts like he’s 20. He flies from flower to flower like a bee, thinking there are no consequences—yet you are one of those consequences.
I understand your need to disconnect from him, but the fact is, he isn't emotionally available, despite being 60 years old.
I can see exactly what might happen: he’ll keep having children as if he were 20, instead of strengthening bonds with the children he already has—children who are grown and need a stable relationship.
Talk to your father and explain that he needs stability; right now, he’s signing up for at least another 20 years of parental duties. And you’re right—poor unborn child, having an 80-year-old parent when they turn 20. That’s why I never had a second child; I felt it was disrespectful and unhealthy for a child to have an 80-year-old parent when they’re barely 20.
You’re likely happy to have reconnected with him, but it seems he isn't bringing you the peace you hoped for. If necessary, distance yourself from him before he hurts you again.
His immaturity will end up hurting you; if he truly wanted to reconnect with you, he wouldn't have waited two years to come see you.
And now that he is coming, he won't even be available to spend time with you, because he’s bringing his new "chick" along to have another baby. All I can tell you is that sometimes you shouldn't force things; if your father doesn't understand the importance of that blood bond, then create your own family—one you will treat with the love you wish you had received.
Start a new family that will never lack your love.
OOP: I actually did just that, and thank you for your comment. I have four kids, I'm pregnant, and I have an amazing husband. We've been together for 14 years, and we've built a wonderful life together.
Both my husband and I have complicated relationships with our parents, so I know how lucky I am to have the family we've created. I'd be lost without them. I think I'm just going to focus on everything good in my life and be grateful for what I have.
Update #1 (in comments): July 23, 2026 (16 days later)
Update: It's been about a week since I made my original post. He's still completely head over heels for her. Then again, my dad is incredibly stubborn, so even if he started getting bored, I think he'd probably still try to make it work.
I think what hurts the most is that this isn't really about his girlfriend. It's about everything that could come after.
I've told him over and over that I'd really love my little brother to come visit too. My hope was that if Dad ever decided to move here and my little brother liked it, maybe one day he'd want to move too. Of course, his mom still lives in the states, so he might decide to stay there, and I'd completely understand that. I just wanted us to have the chance to be closer as a family.
I was more than happy to sponsor my dad while he visited, and my little brother too. But I'm not willing to sponsor someone he's known for maybe three weeks. Girlfriend, fiancée, wife... whatever she is at this point. 🙄
I didn't tell my dad what to do. I made it clear that it's his life and his decision. I just told him I don't know if I can keep getting my hopes up only to be let down again. I also couldn't keep my mouth shut about how uncomfortable the age gap makes me.
Maybe everything works out and they're happy together. I honestly hope so if this is the person he chooses. But I can't ignore that I feel like he's making some huge life decisions incredibly fast, and those decisions could end up changing whether he ever visits or whether we ever get the opportunity to spend more time together as a family.
Update #2: July 25, 2026 (two days later)
AITAH for telling my dad I won't be calling his girlfriend step mom. UPDATE!!
Three weeks ago my dad started dating a woman who's younger than me. He was absolutely head over heels in love with her. Well... three weeks later, he called me while he was out having dinner by himself and said, "I can't stand that woman. I almost kicked her out last night."
He went on to tell me she's been drinking heavily and has become belligerent toward him. Sadly, it sounds like the relationship is already falling apart.
The second I hung up, my husband and I did a little happy dance and then gave each other a big hug. 😂 Not because we're happy he's hurting, but because we've been so worried this relationship was going to stop him from coming to visit us.
I'm really hoping that once this is behind him, he'll finally focus on making the trip to meet his grandkids—and the new little one on the way. ❤️.
Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments here in the update
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The first one turned out to be a Russian prostitute who ended up locking herself inside a beer fridge at a liquor store during what seemed to be a psychotic episode.
As Jesus said: Let the first person who hasn't fallen in love with a psychotic Russian prostitute throw the first stone.
A psychotic Russian prostitute who just so happens to be younger than that person's daughter.
Lol. I never made plans for marriage, but I do have an ex who I could see doing that kind of thing. When you're a queer, pagan autist, your social circle and dating pool are, ah, *interesting*. Mostly in a good way, but also in a "go out at 3am in the freezing rain to bring them inside because they're dramatically suffering on purpose" way.
God bless OOP if she finds something redeeming or positive about her relationship with her biological father but this guy reeks of "sperm donor"
I’d be rooting for OOP here. Finding your biological father after decades and building a relationship only for him to repeatedly blow up his life for people he’s known for a few weeks.
I feel so sorry for her, trying to forge a relationship a relationship with a creep who constantly shows her he doesn't care about her. I hope she can heal and see that she deserves better
What in the midlife crisis-
Pretty sure this guy has been in a midlife crisis for the last 30 years. He's just kind of a crappy person.
Midlife Crisis : This Guy's Behavior :: A hole you dig at the beach : Kola Superdeep Borehole
It's a whole life crisis!
OOP’s father is never going to be the father she dreams he is. He’s just going to disappoint her again. I feel bad for her.
She found him and felt the taste of the relationship she had always dreamed of, but he continues to show her that he is not ready to be that kind of person. It really makes me feel sorry for her..
Some people just chase the abyss just to see how far they can fall.
I mean... the issue was never the new gf. OOP needs to understand the issue is her dad and this will never change.
Some people just don't know how to be happy. They'll never be satisfied with what they have, they'll just wait until they find a newer, shinier toy to entertain themselves with.
She just keeps getting her hopes up, too.
He's bipolar, but she doesn't want to see the forest for the trees.
He will never visit...
Dad seems to have a type… and it’s not a good one.
Although, in a way, that makes it less of an issue. OOP's dad is going to keep dating inappropriately young women but they will always be short-term. He'll get infatuated, talking about marriage after a couple of weeks, then a few weeks later they'll break up.
Yeah. Obviously this lady doesn't need to be called stepmom. But if OOP thinks that their dad is going to become something more traditionally dad-shaped now she's gone, that ship has sailed. They can take the much more casual relationship that's actually being offered, or just write him off.
That is quite a lot to unpack.
Flair checks out.
Dad is the epitome of "If everywhere you go smells like shit, maybe it's time to check your shoes"
More like “It’s time to check your ass.”
He's just going to keep disappointing her, because he's not going to stop acting like this. I hope the eventual fallout isn't too rough, especially when she's already pregnant.
Ufffff this is… I honestly understand the need to find the biological parent, but honestly why, why, force a relationship with someone that is not stable… he is going to be trouble.
The second I hung up, my husband and I did a little happy dance and then gave each other a big hug. 😂 Not because we're happy he's hurting, but because we've been so worried this relationship was going to stop him from coming to visit us.
Oh. Oh honey, no.
OOP just can't let herself accept there is nothing stopping her dad from visiting.
There never was.
He... just sucks.
This whole thing is very sad for the OP
And she's 34 and only met him at 32. I don't know how a grown adult with children of her own can be so naive... I mean it's because the truth would hurt too much, but still...
Her dad is just going to do this again. And again. And again.
...why would OOP call their dad's wife their stepmom in the first place? OOP was a grown ass adult when they met their bio dad, so they aren't at the age where dad's (potential) wife actually raised and parented them.
Because the dad had got some romanticized vision in his head where he finds the love of his life and his long-lost daughter and has a big, perfect, family with them and his new child and everyone lives happily ever after.
Kinda feels like OP needs to come back to reality. I get that she wants a relationship with her dad and brother, but the guy is a glorified sperm donor and the brother met her when he was already 15 and he probably isnt looking for an older sister. Just feels like OP is setting herself up for disappoint.
The dad might have some untreated impulsive disorder but he's still choosing not to show care to his existing children. The brother might be more interested in getting to know her later, but right now she's a mom twice his age who lives in another country. Who he's met, like, twice?
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OOP must be colourblind if she can’t see all those red flags.
It's weird to be this invested in someone she's only met 2 years ago. I feel like OOP wants her bio dad to be something he obviously isn't and she's just going to be let down every time. Why would you want that kind of chaos in your life?
I rolled my eyes so hard at the last paragraph. It’s just…ok, I guess we look forward to the chaos when he hooks up with one of OOPs neighbors! Although at least in that case OOP might not end up the hook for his sponsorship?
Right? She's literally inviting chaos into her life.
Yeah, she is also (imo) weirdly naive for her age about what's really going on with her dad and this string of women. They all have substance abuse problems and they all move the relationship along extremely quickly? Girl, your old man's an alcoholic. These women are his drinking buddies. He's using them for sex while they use him for housing, this is an old, old, old addict song-and-dance. Since OP isn't closer, and still has rose colored glasses about the dude, she can't see it for what it is. By 34, she should have met at least one person like this and recognize the pattern. I certainly had by that point.
My father married a woman seven years older than me. My half brothers are 25 and 32 years younger. Dad said he was marrying a career woman and they’d spend the rest of their life traveling. Nope. Susan got pregnant during the limerance stage. Got pregnant again when first child old enough for school. Gratndmother asked me if I wanted to have children. Told Nana I was waiting for dad to stop. I’ve met them maybe three times. Very snotty because their mother believes the first litter (and my Mother) is déclassé. Second litter are loosers.
I'm forever fascinated by people who never seem to mentally or emotionally develop past puberty. The infatuation, the all-or-nothing mindset, the failure to acknowledge destructive behavioral patterns... It's just wild.
OOP got married at 18 so the emotional immaturity makes sense.
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So dad only dates party girls and then is surprised that all they do is party.
Yeah he's never coming to visit because he doesn't want to
Wait, so dating a woman 30 years your junior didn't work out for him? And she was kinda immature and had something wrong with her? Who could've guessed!
How the fuck was he dating a woman who was 30 but with a kid old enough to have an ex husband?
the woman drinking with her daugther's ex is not the same as the current.. most recent girl-friend
That man will be hand fed in diapers at an elderly home and still be paying child support. He should get a vasectomy. He’s emotionally like a child and use children like treats.
The final conclusion by the OOP=OOF. Her dad is never going to be the person she wants him to be.
The dad is seeking someone he’ll never find
Somehow, the happy dance was the saddest part of this tale.
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Dad sounds mentally and emotionally stunted. OOP should gift him a free vasectomy for Christmas. 😂 Maybe he'll take the hint.
OOP keeps calling him 'dad' like that makes him a father. No. He contributed genetic material but he's an overgrown toddler. That's who he is. You're never going to get fatherly love and support from Peter Pan.
I wonder when BORUOP will realize her dad is an alcoholic. Weird that he keeps getting into relationships with much younger women who have drinking problems. Almost like partying is something they have in common AND he likes that it makes the women more vulnerable.
She was also only 30 years old. I was 33 at the time.
and
Now there's a new woman. She's 30, and I'm 34.
huh. They are both 30 on the dot. What a coincidence....
I feel bad for OOP. She’s so emotionally invested in him being a father to her that she won’t see the truth: he is too immature, emotionally unavailable, and lacks the capacity to provide fatherly love and support. I unfortunately get it, because I did the same thing with a brother. I loved him a great deal, but I ultimately had to distance myself, for my own well-being. This man is going to break OOP’s heart. I do hope she finds the strength to let him go eventually.
Lmao, dad isn’t coming, how naive is OOP…
This story reminds me of the Sam Morril bit where his friend asks him if his biological father is a good person. "If he was I wouldn't refer to him as my biological father."
“Wooo we’re so happy our dad is done dating that awful women” who is younger than his daughter…. The dad is the awful one in this story. Op needs therapy. Trying to get closer to a man who clearly care the most about his dick rather than his children will only bring heart ache.
She really does. She spent years in foster care, now she's desperate to have the family she never had. Then again so does her husband cause what do you mean he also celebrated her biodad's break up. I think they should both focus on the family they created together rather than looking for parents who don't exist. It could send wrong signals to OOP's oldest kid who has different father.
Yeah, I wouldn't keep my hopes up about her dad if I were OOP.
I’m so confused. I get that OOP wants a connection to her dad but honestly? What are his redeeming qualities? The younger women thing is messy but that’s a him issue mostly. The part where he’s stringing OOP along forever? Yeah no. He’s not NEARLY as invested in this relationship as OOP is and he’s just going to keep hurting her. That last line about finally focusing on the trip to meet his grandkids? That man is NOT interested in being a grandparent.
I feel like I could have written this. My FIL is exactly like OOP’s dad. He’s been married 5 times, engaged 7 or 8 times, and is scheduled to get married next month to a woman he’s known for maybe 4 months. He is forever quitting jobs and moving in with his latest “love” until she gets fed up and kicks him out. We say that he just loves love, but in reality he never matured past 19 and doesn’t know how to be alone. When we had our son last year, he insisted on bringing his girlfriend with him to visit. We live 3 states away and they had been dating for 3 weeks at the time. My husband told him she wasn’t allowed in our home, but his dad brought her anyway and basically snuck her into our house when my husband was out running errands and I was 2 days postpartum and too tired to fight about it. My husband and his dad had a big argument about it and didn’t speak for a few weeks after, until the lady broke up with my FIL and kicked him out of her house. He did at least apologize to his son the next time we saw him in person, which is something he hadn’t ever done. He’s currently mad at us because my husband told him we aren’t going to his wedding next month. It’s wedding number 6, and flights would cost nearly $2000 for our family of 4. The weekend before is my baby cousin’s (first and hopefully only) wedding and we’re doing that wedding instead.
they did a happy dance that they get to keep this toxic presence in their lives? amazing
That's if he ever comes to visit, which probably won't happen.
Why are you so hung up on your "bio dad". He doesn't even deserve the dad title. You barely know the guy and he did not raise you. Where are the parents that actually raised you?
Bro we had a baby when we were forty, unexpected blessing and I already feel fucking awful for her graduating high school and me being nearly 60 when she does, I could not imagine being 80 when she grabs her diploma
OOP needs therapy.
Oh my god. This dad is a mess
that will never visit her
How many times does OOP have to be abandoned by her father before she understands that he just doesn't care about her?