I am 29F (INFP) and my life is a failure. I tried to start over, but it didn't work. But here I am again, looking for a new path in life and this time I have to keep going and get better and I would like to hear some advice or just your stories of starting over. Is there somebody who successfully changed their life at an "older" age and managed to find a happy life?
I was awkward and anxious kid, who did great at school, but never had many friends. Despite being at the top of my class, I was that kid that sat quietly and alone and was afraid to speak up in class. I never fit anywhere. When I tried to join some extracurricular activities as a child I usually got scared, panicked and my parents let me quit. This has become my coping mechanism.
I never had any idea what to do in life. I am from Eastern European little town, my family is very traditional and I come from a working class background, my parents and I thought that some kind of office job would be a good and safe career choice, so I went to study Business Management and eventually graduated with a masters degree. Sadly I've never found any interest in this field and basically studied only for good academic results. During university I only worked jobs in restaurants and supermarkets, so when I finally landed an internship at a marketing agency it was a big wake up call for me, as I finally realized that I don't fit in this environment and I sucked at the job. I was thinking about quitting school, but it was during the pandemic and I had no idea what else to do. I was also the first person in my family who went to uni, so it was a big deal for them. So I stayed and finished it.
Since then I really have no idea what to do with my life, and I really struggle with my mental health. I felt so drained after graduation and all the time when I did something just because it was expected from me. My mental health also got worse after covid and a time when my family was dealing with a really tragic situation. I wanted to leave abroad but the seasonal job I found quit, so eventually I started working in e-commerce.
This was the first time when I realized that my family will always have some problem with me unless I do what they want. I got so much comments for doing this job - "it not good enough for somebody with a degree" etc... So eventually I quit and left abroad to do some volunteering.
The times when I managed to overcome my fears and leave abroad were always the happiest in my life. I first left for study exchange semester during my studies and it was the best time in my life. I met so many diverse people, really lived for the first time. It completely changed me. But I always come back home and fall back into my bad habits and misery again. Those are the hardest times, when I feel like I have no energy anymore and feel completely lost.
Last year I started tutoring English. Starting this was really difficult for me because I has no experience teaching, I felt like my lessons sucked and I couldn't make them interesting enough, but I pushed through and tried to improve and actually managed to finish the school year with a good feeling. For the first time I felt like I was doing something that I enjoyed. But my family hates this, I don't have a teaching degree so I can only do private lessons and I can't take their comments anymore - "it's not a real job, freelancing is not a job, remote job is not a real job..."
I realized that some of my problems are caused by the environment I am in. I live with my family, they are fed up with me and sometimes I really just feel like I can't go on. Everything I do gets criticized and I am really lonely. I tried to change my path a few times (took a UX design course, did volunteering, started teaching), but the change for better is always short term.
I need to get better. And not just better, I need to feel some happiness again. I need to become independent. I used to have dreams that I would hitchhike/backpack through Europe, work abroad, maybe build something of my own. Right now I feel like I just missed my chances and I am too old for it. But I also feel like an outcast more and more - my cousins and old classmates are getting married, they are starting to live the typical life and I am the single weirdo with no career, who is not heading in this direction. So maybe I can just go in different direction and still make something out of this life.
So I am just trying to find a new path for me again. I am trying to look for seasonal jobs, I am applying for European Solidarity Corps projects, thinking about getting into NGO field or tourism and during that time I want to work on my skills. I am just trying to find something to help me move forward with my life, find purpose. But I also have no idea what I am doing and I feel scared.
Is there anybody who was able to get their life together? Who found happiness after years of failure? What helped you? And what helped you to get over the regret of feeling like you wasted years of your life?
What helped me wasn't the things I planned. Unexpected things that happened to me while working, creating, and being useful improved my life. So don't waste time thinking and deciding; do what you can. Exercise? Do volunteer work? Meet people? Create something and share it. Start where you can.