met a 44yo man at 23f. i never had male attention before, he made me feel beautiful and seen. after a few months of getting to know eachother we kissed. he wanted to take my virginity and i wanted it too. i fell in love with him and we had regular sex for 2 years. long story short, i told my parents and they were mortified and keep telling me he's a predator. my relationship with him isn't the best right now- thinking of going no contact but i think of him so fondly... how can i move on without him ? i'll never love another man like i loved him.
Yes you were being groomed. You move on without him by getting therapy to deal with your issues. There’s a reason his grooming worked on you and only you can fix it.
but i didn't see it as grooming. everyone around me does. how was it grooming ? thank you for your reply.
He definitely could be.
He definitely could be a predator, but she wasn't groomed.
What? Of course not. You were an adult. You had been an adult for 5 years when it started. That isn’t grooming.
i look 15 so my family were like wtf. but i said the same, we're adults so what. thank you for your reply.
No? You're an adult woman. An age gap does not mean it's grooming. Let's not dilute the actual definition.
Let's not act like 20 year olds can't be groomed. Someone in their 40s engaging in a relationship with someone in their 20s deserves serious scrutiny.
The power dynamic is important. Was he using money and "wisdom" to mold her into submission? No? Then not grooming, even with an age gap. Was he using her inexperience, general manipulation, and love bombing to socially isolate, control her finances, her and make her submissive? Then yes to grooming, even if she was an adult.
It's usually a huge red flag when men in their 40s seek out women in their 20s. As you stated, you had no experience with men, and the power dynamics skew heavily towards him. You don't have to be a minor to be groomed by someone.
I don't get the obsession with age gaps. People can fall in love with people older or younger than each other and it can still be ok. It's different if one of the.people is a literal child obviously. Maybe I'm just showing my age. When i was 14 years old in the 70s I had a boyfriend for a while who was 20 and nobody turned a hair. We didn't have sex by the way, and i was probably more into his car than I was into him.
A 14 year old with a 20 year old is disturbing. The developmental difference there is huge, regardless of what age people consider an "adult." Tbh I don't think 20 year olds know what love is, let alone a 14 year old. Obsession? Infatuation? Sure. But love? No.
It’s not grooming but I think a lot of people feel like relationships with that large of an age difference are more likely to be controlling or unhealthy or involve abusive behaviors. There’s often a bit of a power imbalance and either a lack of common life experience/goals or the older person in the couple is chronically immature and that becomes an issue as the younger person in the relationship gets older and their goals change, etc. I think if the relationship is not feeling good then taking a good long break is probably a great choice.
This is the most balanced take in the thread right now. Largely agree with you.
Just because it isn’t grooming doesn’t mean it is appropriate. There’s a reason women his age won’t date him and he’s going after inexperienced women who are barely into adulthood.
Doesn't have to be grooming to be an unbalanced relationship. You are young and don't need a loser who can't get women his own age.
I promise you it becomes exponentially harder to “get women” the younger you try to date relevant to your own age. The idea that people date younger because they “can’t get someone their own age” is ludicrous. It’s playing on hard mode.
The developmental and lived experience differences between you and this 44 yo man is significant. Is it “grooming” not in a way that is typically defined. Is there a chance he emotionally manipulated you with the things he said? It’s possible. What does he want in your relationship? Is it only sex? Do you know his social network, friends and family? Does he want the same future as you?
when we do meet it is mostly to have sex... i don't know his family. i want to love with him, but he has 4 minor kids living with him (and 3 adult kids who live their on lives).
Yes lmao. everyone telling you that you weren't have male avatars btw. With 23 old your brain hasn't develop yet and him actively wanting to date someone that doubles his age is creepy
Does he regularly hang out or seek out younger man friends?
he has no friends. too busy with all his kids (he barely had time for me)
Yes it could be grooming. Not everyone is the same at the same age. You looked 15, and who knows (no offense just practically speaking) you may have been more of a homebody, more innocent, or naive about the world and relationships. Does that sound like what happens in grooming? At that point being showered with attention without knowing about what is needed in relationships can surely skew dynamics between 2 people. You didn't know what you wanted as in compatibility, you may have only seen the attention. It's not the same for everyone. So it could be and could not be.
i never went to clubs or anything like that. never had a boyfriend before. was a very sheltered girl :(
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Basically. Maybe. He is double your age and likely taking advantage of you. I just wouldn't trust a man like that