M 22. A year ago my older brother who was 25 was murdered, he was stabbed to death. And my whole life changed in that very moment and I am still trying to get that person back but I’m each day I accept that he may he truly gone,my brother may as well have taken me with him. I am no stranger to loss,before 10 years old I lost 4 siblings and my dad, the last sibling being my little sister who died six months after my dad in 2013. Later on my grandfather who was the only positive male role model I’d ever known as my stepfather was extremely abusive towards me and my mom died and I was again taken back to that so familiar lonely and broken feeling .
I eventually moved forward with the grief taking the pain and memories in hand and I was doing okay until last year when I got the call. And me being in a different country made things way way worse because my mom and little sister went to where it had happened which was another city they went there and his body was still there laying in a pool of blood, I remember my little sister uttering the words “Ken he’s here,we are with him “ and I broke down ,my heart had been broken so many times before but this time it was different , I felt so utterly broken and nothing could bring me any comfort ,my brother was truly gone.
A month later I had panic attacks which would become one of many,and I had to go see a doctor , I got on antidepressants ,had worsening symptoms,was admitted to the psych ward overnight,got out the next day,saw a different doctor and I’ve been doing really well. And yet that pain is still there,in every given moment I keep going back to his last moments,knowing he was in so much pain,and that he was alone ,that breaks me and I would give anything to have had it be me rather him, all that pain I would gladly take if he didn’t have to. In every moment, whenever I think about the figure it’s another painful reminder that those memories will not have him,and I have to mourn not only the loss of him,but also rhe future that he won’t exist in. And knowing he won’t get to grow or meet any of his nieces and nephews just kills me inside. I am still in a great deal of pain and I just want some rest m,I really won’t do anything it’ll kill my mother but I would gladly not step out of a car was speeding towards me, I would not be upset about a freak accident in which I do not survive. I can’t simply do what I did in the past and growing up and ignore the pain, I fear I have reached capacity