What the fuck...
It's fucked out here man 😮💨
I don't even know where to begin in all of this. This mess is so stupid and frustrating. There is so much context needed but I'll try to make this brief. I mostly just need a place to vent. Sorry for any formatting errors I'm on mobile and I'm very worked up right now.
My mom lost custody of me and my siblings when I was 8, almost 9. My sibling (15nb) lives with their dad and my brother (23m) and I live with our mom's mom. My brother and I were adopted. She was neglectful of us. Had weird ways of punishing us. But, despite all that I still tried to keep a relationship with her.
About a year and a half ago my mom started getting a 28 hr a week visit with my sibling. They'd come over on friday and leave on saturday. At some point during it she quit her job without a backup lined up due to a toxic work environment. She won unemployment but was never able to find another job. This lead to her having to leave her studio apartment once her lease ended. Throughout this entire time I've come over, helped her with various things. She lived 2½ hours away, yet I'd still come over. A few times I'd have to drive from her place to work, or from work to her's. I didn't care much. I was helping family. I took a few days off to help her move out and into her friends place, even.
A couple weeks into being with her friend she lost visitation rights to my little sibling after a fight broke out. She was also promptly kicked out of staying with her friend. That left her jobless and homeless.
Luckily, she found a friend to stay with. She wasn't allowed to stay with us since she and my grandma don't have a good relationship.
Things with this friend started getting... dicey. I didn't like him. But, not my situation. Around December of last year, I let her borrow my car. Just in case. So she always had a place to sleep. This was after many time of her getting kicked out from her friends and me having to come pick her up and take her somewhere else and then her just going behind my back to go back to the friend who kicked her out. Multiple times I called out of work for her.
This car was my first car. Not the one I was actively driving. I was looking for someone to buy it off me, but figured I'd let my mom borrow it for the time being. She has some unpaid child support so we never put it in her name. It was no skin off my back since she couldn't buy it from me anyways. Figured once she had stable housing I'd get it back and sell it. Even just to a scrap yard. Not the smartest, I know, but she was desperate and I just wanted to help.
In around may, she finally left this guy and moved in with another friend. She claims her rent is driving them around. But, I don't think they'd kick her out if she couldn't do that anymore.
Recently, however, we got into an argument. She wanted to try one last ditch attempt at getting custody of my sibling. Never mind that they haven't seen each other in almost a year, or that my sibling doesn't want to see her. I told her it wasn't a good idea given that... you know. She is houseless. She sleeps with another person in a garage. A very small garage, mind you. I've been in it, there is a bed and one place to sit that is within knee length of the bed. Not only that but she lives 3 hours away from my sibling right now, and they'd have to start a whole new school.
My mom told me that they'd go to a domestic violence shelter, like that is an any better enviorment for a mentally and physically disabled teenager. I explained to her, that despite my sibling's dad being a piece of work and not getting them the medical attention they need, they have a support system down there. They have friends they look forward to seeing and they have other family members that aren't awful. Their mental health is really unstable, and I thought it would be better to continue to neglect their physical health in favor for their mental health. It's 3 more years, you know? Yeah I'm worried, but having them stay with their dad seems like a more sound plan than a DV shelter. Not to mention, I don't even know if they'd be able to get into one.
Because of my stance on this she got really upset. We had planned to go to a concert together starring a band she played all the time when I was a kid and has been a life long favorite. I got us tickets after her attempt on her life in February. It felt special. It meant a lot to me. She knew it was a childhood dream of mine to go with her. After I flat out told her I love my sibling more than I love her she told me to go with my sibling to the concert then. I ended up just selling the tickets to a coworker. I couldn't go. It was far to hard emotionally. I tied that concert to the mom I once had. The parent I needed growing up. Hearing that that person wouldn't go with me, just broke me.
Later, when I expressed my hurt she ignored me to say she was hurt. That was... honestly heart breaking. To hear her inadvertently tell me my feelings don't matter because she is hurt I didn't side with her.
On a side note, she could have made the attempt to get my sibling back, but she didn't because I told her no. She was acting like it was my fault that she didn't do it when she could have. She didn't need me to do anything.
But, to summarize our ensuing arguments, I told her I didn't want to talk to her unless it was about the car or it was an apology. She then asked for the car to be transferred into her name and asked how much I wanted for it. I told her (asked for way below what I could have sold it for), and she said okay. Next, she said that collections would take it because of her debt and I told her it wasn't my problem.
She went off on me, saying I had a bad attitude that was uncalled for and minimizing my feelings about what she said even more. After some more arguments about what was best for my sibling I then told her that I don't want her to have the car. She doesn't deserve my kindness. I gave her a date to give me my car back by.
Two days ago she asked if she could have it until September 1st. 3 weeks after my initial date. She called it a "compromise." I ignored her "compromise" comment and said fine. Two hours after I said fine, she sent me this transcribed message:
"No, I am not giving the car back. I'm not giving another thing just because someone has an issue with something I did or didn't do. You said you're an adult then act like it! Take away my home, take away my way to court, to my storage, to my appointments, this car pays for my room and board. So no I am keeping the car YOU GAVE ME."
Edited all her spelling and grammatical errors by the way. She lives a block from a bus stop in a city that has free public transportation.
She keeps telling me that I gave it to her, implying that because I did that I can't take it away. She also isn't living in it. All her stuff and where she sleeps is elsewhere. She has other ways to pay them. She has food stamps, she gets 450 in cash from the government a month and without gas to buy she can give them that money.
Every morning she has a new "gotcha" moment with the car. She told me the cops won't get involved because it's a civil matter. Okay... I'll just get a copy of the key. She kept asking for the name and badge number of the cop I talked to so she could say I made a false report. I never officially reported it stolen, I just asked if I could. They said no, but I don't need to. I can just take the car.
This morning she tried telling me because she has it as her legal residence that makes me her landlord and I have to legally evict her. I didn't sign anything giving her permission to use it as her residence, and since it's in my name, that voids that logic. She shouldn't have even been able to put it as her legal residence in the first place since her name isn't on the title or registration.
Now she's run out of arguments and has been telling me I'm abusive and harassing her. I sent her a long message explaining some of the ways she abused me and my siblings. I also explained her self-destructive tendencies. She has had this argument that she's never touched a drug in her life and then come to find out she was doing meth with the friend who kept kicking her out. She admitted it to me after he called her out on it. I never brought up my disappointment since she's a grown woman and can make her own choices. I always made her provide receipts anyways when she asked for money, if I didn't just outright buy it myself. So I knew my money wasn't going towards that.
I think, getting my car back from her is just a natural consequence of her making her own choices. I don't think she should be allowed to hurt me in the ways she has just to get off with nothing more than a slap on the wrist. Plus, I need the money. I've given her so much money, time, effort, love, forgiveness. I can never get that back. But I can get back a fraction of what I've given her by getting my car back.
What the fuck...
It's fucked out here man 😮💨
Have you gotten your car back? I’m sorry this happening to you but she’s not going to stop or improve. You need to recover your property before she gets into an accident and you are found liable because it’s your car and your insurance doesn’t cover her
There isn't even insurance on the car... but yeah. I am working on it. I get paid tomorrow. I don't really have any scary friends to go with me so I have to wait until my uncle is off work. I don't really like police, being openly and visibly queer and all. So I'm trying to keep them as out of this as I can. They do know she is in possession of my car, though.
I am so sorry you're living this Every child seeks the love of the mother they never had, but the mother they want has never existed. I think this is your case She will stop hurting you the minute you don't give her permission to do it, because now, even you never have told her "hurt me", you have allowed it So please, get back your car. Even if you have to involve the police
I'm trying... as soon as I do I'm blocking her on everything. I'm the last person in my family to cut her off since I'm the youngest. My sibling doesn't remember living with her, so I'm hoping this doesn't happen to them.
Op i say this as gently as possible, and i get that shes your mom but why are you even trying. Shes a selfish, toxic person and you’re FAR better off without her negativity
I'm not. I just want my car, man. It's worth the headache to me to get it back from her.
I would give her the car and the just go no contact. Too much drama from a broken person.
First, this is a horrible situation, but there is a reason why your mother lost custody of her. I have a friend who is going to lost custody of her child. She can't keep a stable environment and she is an alcoholic. I don't argue with her about it because it is not my decision. The state will take care of this. You don't need to argue with your mom about this and that will help keep you out of discussions that won't go anywhere. You have been supportive to your mother who really does not deserve it. If you want, you can continue to be supportive. Second, your mother will never be able to give you what you want and definitely cannot give you what you deserve. This is a very hurtful situation. Consider whether you can back out from the situation a bit. Third, you are not going to change your mother. She is what she is. She is a grown woman and you are not responsible for her. If you want to help someone, help your sibs. They deserve it. You guys can all stick together and help each other now and into the future. Lastly, just go take your car. Consider parking it someplace besides your home for a little while so she can't find it. If it's not too expensive, have it rekeyed. Now that you are an adult, you have the right to make your own decisions. Your mother has not progressed as far as you have and she is older. She is not the judge of you. Just because you are right does not mean that people will be happy with you. You own the car. There is no need to argue about it. Just take it back. Avoid arguing with your mother about stupid things such as whether she owns the car, whether she should have custody of your sib, etc. Try to take responsibility for your actions totally- even if someone else brings them on. Your mother is irresponsible, and you are not responsible for that. What you ARE responsible for is how you respond to it. Try to figure out why you need your mother to acknowledge that you are right. This is probably a hangover from your neglect as a child- where you did not get what you needed and deserved, and you are still trying to get it. You will be happier when you can resolve this need. There will be grief associated with this process, but you can do it. The twenties are when one moves away from the parents-and it is a struggle for both. Everyone has to fix what they missed growing up, and you missed a lot. Now, you need to re-parent yourself.
I've been the parent of myself pretty much my entire life. That's why this was so mentally harmful to me. My grandma is great, don't get me wrong, but there is an entirely different story with that. But, in short, she wasn't a parent to me. The reason I was trying to talk her out of her plan, however, was because my sibling is with us actively and that was a key part of her plan. I didn't want to scare their father into not letting them see us again. The courts have told her time and time again that they are not going back to her. But she keeps fighting like she just knows theyre wrong. She kept fighting under the guise of it being for their medical care. That's why I supported her for so long. After this, I don't want anything to do with her. At all. I'm literally only talking to her to try and get my car back and say my final piece. I want her to know how much harm she's done to me. Vindictively, I wanna give her a fraction of the pain and fear I felt as a kid and as I feel now.
Show up at night when she is in the house, jump in and leave its your car that way you don't have to talk to hereven if she tries to report it stolen you have the title to it.
Yeah she has stuff in it and I need someone to make a copy of the key since she won't give me the only key to the car. I'm happy to pack her things up from the car but I don't want to leave them on the side of the road incase someone takes them and she points to me for the theft.
Get your car back and this is yourself as much as you can.
Working on it. Blocking her as soon as I get my car back.
TL;DR
The 21‑year‑old author and their brother were adopted after their mother lost custody due to neglect. The mother has had unstable housing, employment, and relationships for years.
Ongoing support: Despite the past, the author has repeatedly helped their mother—driving long distances, taking time off work, helping her move, and eventually letting her borrow their old car so she had somewhere to sleep when she became homeless.
Mother’s instability: She frequently moved between friends’ homes, lost visitation rights to another child after a fight, and continued making decisions the author felt were unsafe or unrealistic.
Recent conflict: The mother wanted to attempt regaining custody of the younger sibling, despite being unhoused and living in a cramped garage. The author strongly disagreed, prioritizing the sibling’s mental health and stability.
Emotional fallout: A planned concert meant to be a meaningful bonding moment fell apart after the argument. The mother dismissed the author’s feelings and blamed them for her inability to pursue custody.
Car dispute: After the author set a deadline to return the borrowed car, the mother:
Asked for more time
Then abruptly declared she would not return it
Claimed the author “gave” it to her
Said losing the car would take away her “home,” transportation, and ability to pay for her room and board
Asserted police wouldn’t get involved because it’s a “civil matter”
Lots of very thoughtful comments! As a parentified child who cried it out due to emotionally unavailable parents, I will share I went no contact with my paternal genetics donor due to the toxicity that followed every single interaction. He was an alcoholic and gambler. It took me decades of therapy to learn the "love with detachment" coping mechanism and to stop enabling his destructive behaviors! With work, there is hope OP! Best of luck to you! 🙏❤️🩹
Thank you so much. I am so sorry you've gone through similar things. This is not something children should have to go through, ever. Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child. I've said it so many times and it never occurred to me that I needed to stop enabling the parent that didn't deserve me until recently. Hoping to keep her out of my life after this is all over.
First let me say this - I am so sorry, dear. \*hugs\* I understand what you're going through. I also understand that your mum is taking advantage and gaslighting you.... or trying to. I'm glad you've decided to get your car back. IF she tries to hide it from you, make sure you report it stolen. It sucks you may have to do that but your mum, while still your mum isn't capable of being decent to you or your siblings. Maintaining contact is only going to drag you down further and make you miserable. You do not need to maintain contact and it will be ok. Yeah, you will probably be sad for awhile but finding a good therapist ought to help you with that. \*I am going on 17 yrs NC w/my father and I'm 58. My father is 80 and no one in my family will have anything to do with him because of how badly he treated everyone in his life. We told him once we moved out we wouldn't have anything to do with him and he found ways to push into our lives so I moved several states away but it wasn't far enough so I moved to Australia. In the 25 yrs I lived here, he called me exactly 1 time - after I'd cut off contact he called me one morning to "inform me my grandmother was dying". I hung up on him because I already knew and I'd already spoken to her, my siblings, cousins, etc who were with her in the hospital while he was sitting at home feeling sorry for himself. I hope you're able to deal with the car without stressing out. Others have made great suggestions, too. Your mum has effectively stolen your car. She cannot report you for theft when she has stolen the car - she's kept it long past your agreement and you've repeatedly asked for it back and she has refused. It is now stolen property. If a repo company came to take it, they'd get it with everyting in the car and she would be responsible for getting her stuff back at her expense. Just fyi.
I will think about that. Thank you! I do plan on going NC w my mom when this is over. I've tried but it's soul sucking. Everything in her life is always someone else's fault and everyone is against her... it's exhausting to hear over and over again. No accountability.. ever. I don't really know if I will ever want her back in my life again.
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Get a copy of your key like you plan. Inform the police that you will be repossessing your own vehicle (one registered in your name) that is being withheld from you without your permission. In some cases you may even be able to call a tow truck service and have it towed (at your expense) back to your house or to another location. You provide proof that its your car and that you need it towed. But its best practice to let the cops know first so your Mom can't make accusations of grand theft auto. The car is in your name but she might cause issues. You can legally have a car in your name towed and you can legally go pick up a car in your name if you are able to start it and drive it away. I don't believe the cops can stop you from taking your own property if it's not locked in a garage or behind a locked fence. You can pack up any belongings she has inside the car and make arrangements to give them to her or have a proxy give them to her. I'd be worried that she's trashing the car out of spite. Sounds like she does not have things together and just wants to mooch. I highly recommend going completely no contact with your mother after this. Block her number and block her on all social media.
I would also put a club on the steering wheel of the car once you get it back if Mom still has the key she has the ability to take the car back. You would then get your car back by reporting it stolen, but an anti-theft device will save you from the hassle!
your car, your rules. she can’t just take it because she feels entitled
Just send her the registration and ask to never hear from her again. It's a small price to pay to duck that madness. I'm sorry, you tried everything you could, went further than you should only to be abused. Now meth is involved, you've lost her completely.
He could probably have it repossessed even, but it would cost $$. Driving off with it if its worth the hassle or just giving it to her and cutting ties either way seem best. If it's a meth problem she'll trade it for meth soon enough probably anyway. Sigh, I've watched this shitty reality show too many times in my own family 😟 I wish there was a way to cancel it.
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While the car is in your name, you are legally liable for ANYTHING that happens to that car. If it’s in an accident, you’re getting sued. If she gets a parking ticket, you’re liable. Get the car or get it out of your name.
your car, your rules. she can't just take it like that
Please update us
Good for your for standing up to her! You cannot claim a car as a residence! It doesn't have an address for her to put down! Just so you know, no court in the world would give her custody. She would need to be able to support herself and a minor. That would require her having a steady home.
Please get your car back and cut her out for your own health
Id take the car back and block her and never speak to her again. Problem solved. Ita incredible what some people put up with. Just because its your family member doesnt mean you have to tolerate them
As I put in the post I'm working on getting the car back and I am going to cut her off as soon as I get it.
Get into the car, put her stuff wherever she's living, drive away with the car. She's not entitled to the things you own just because she wants them. Get your car back and cut contact with her - she's not adding anything to your life except stress. But don't announce when you're going to take it, because she seems spiteful enough to set it on fire or something so that you can't have it. Theft is not a civil matter. Without an actual police report, you're on the hook for what she does with that car. Even if you have insurance, you can wind up in a lawsuit or liable for what she does with the car. Find out if there's a community policing officer at the station and talk to them about what's going on - tell them you need to make a police report to protect yourself from liability at the very least. Cars are not homes and the idea she'd have to be evicted from a car is the kind of crazy that's almost impressive. And she's not getting custody of a child with her living situation and lack of income, she's nuts.
Yeah exactly. Her plan involved an emergency protection order while my sib was with us. The only good that would do is make their dad not want to let them see us. I do plan on cutting her off as soon as I get my car. I don't think she'd purposely do anything since I'm not telling her when I'm going to show up. On the police report note, I did tell them she has my car. They made a note of it and gave me a report number.
Do you have a plan on keeping her from taking it again? She'll still have a key. Of course if she does, you should be able to actually report it as stolen, but I don't know if you want to go through that hassle. Can you change the lock? Or put it behind a locked gate? At the very least I would get one of those steering wheel locks. She won't be able to drive away with it, and if she tries the lock is proof that you no longer want anyone else driving it.
She won't have a car to get here. I live an hour and a good majority of that, busses don't run. Countryside perks I guess. If she can find someone with a car then I'd love to see her take it and end up in jail 🤷
You are WELL within your rights to ask for the car back. You never gave it to her. You loaned it to her. I think you've been and are being MORE than reasonable, and she's just taken advantage of that and used you, as well as anyone else who has tried to help her, it sounds like. Cut her off.
Cutting her off as soon as I get my car back
Geez! Your mom needs some serious mental health treatment. You are so young to be dealing with this, barely an adult. She is supposed to be the one supporting you, not the other way around. If you can afford it, get some counseling for yourself. I don’t know how much the car is worth, but it might be worth it to just transfer ownership to her and be done with it and her.
Yeah we've been trying to talk her into an inpatient group. But, she just won't do it. My car really isn't worth much but for so many reasons I don't want her to have it. For starters, I need the money. By selling it I could pay off what I owe to my car insurance company as well as my credit card (it isnt very much) and i could get my breaks and tires changed on my car and maybe have a bit left over. I've spent so much money on her as well as taken so much time off of work that I'm in debt at 21 and live paycheck to paycheck trying to pay it back. It may not be steep debt, but it's more than I should have. Secondly, she's just been a bitch this entire process and I don't want her to think she's won. It'll go to her head. It'll give her the power over me that she think she has. Frankly, I don't want her to take more from me than she already has. Also, my job offers 24 counseling sessions a year so I am going to look into it. I've done therapy most of my life and it hasn't really helped. But it might just be good to rant about it to an outside party.
All you have to do since you werey the owner is have it towed. Have a towing company pick it up, take it to the dealership or locksmith and drop it off and have it re-keyed.
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Im not going to read all that. I saw "lost custody" along with your 43 year old mom needing your car and thats all I need to see. Cut her off and move on
I am i just need my car back first
You seem like a kind person, but in all honesty, your mom has more problems than you can solve. Take your spare key and go get the car. If the title is still in your name, it's yours. Just be aware that your mm may well have racked up some tickets with it. I would not financially entangle yourself with your mom again. Focus on your own life. Get a good job and put some money aside. If you can get a better job with some training (perhaps through your local community college,) do that. It will take all of your energy to build a good life for yourself. Don't engage in your mom's drama. If she wants to start something, hang up the phone with an excuse or walk out the door. Keep your relationship with her as positive as possible. Again, you can't solve her numerous issues, and there's no point in trying.
I'm blocking her after this. I have no reason to continue a relationship with her. I gain nothing from it but stress. I don't have a spare key, unfortunately. That's why this mess has dragged on so much. I would like to get a copy of the key made from the lock but thats expensive... and I am out of work right now due to an injury. I'm working on getting back into school to finish my AA. Almost done with it. I have 2 more quarters to go.
Do you have the vin number? Get a second key made. Go there at night with someone that can drive. You drive the car that you lent her home. Have all the paperwork with you in case she calls the 👮♂️. Or you can just report the car stolen, it'll probably end up being towed. Impound lots sometimes charge a lot of money (I'm in the us). I'll be 43 not too long from now. As women myself she's a terrible human. She won't ever change. Nothing you can do or say will change that.
I do have the vin number. I am getting a copy made when I can afford it. I'm out of work right now due to an injury. The car isn't worth much.. I'd really like to sell it myself because I know I'd get a lot more. Plus, I'd be able to make sure it goes to someone who'd appreciate it like I once did. It's a good, reliable car. But, if worst comes to worst, junk yards will pay me around 150 and haul it off themselves to sell for scrap.
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Call the cops and report it stolen.
I can try. But there are texts of me allowing her to use it (as well as me asking for it back). Which, I know for a fact she will use as evidence to keep the car.
OPs mom will still have a key to the car so she might take it back
Then OP could definitely report it stolen and that would cause the mom even more problems.
Not being mean, lol but "I'll try to keep this brief" ... 25 paragraphs later. Seriously tho, just a joke, just made me chuckle
Yeahhhh lol I could have added way more context though
I could not read all these irrelevant details!
It is surprising that so many adopted children are treated absolutely different way the ones that aren’t. It takes one to no one.