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r/relationship_advice · u/Outrageous-Yellow116Aug 1, 2026, 5:26 PM

Low effort boyfriend (M36) finally making an effort, but I’m (F32) unsure

My boyfriend (36M) and I (32F) have been together for 4 years. For most of this time I have been the one pulling most of the weight in the relationship (i.e. emotional labour, making him feel seen and appreciated, being the most excited about us), as I was head over heels for him from the very start. He was unsure about starting a relationship with me in the beginning, and I also felt at the time that he was holding back for a while even after we had gotten together; he took a long time saying he loved me, held back on me meeting his friends (but not family) etc. I persisted and his unsurety gradually got better over time, but I catch myself regretting not calling it quits in the beginning, when he clearly wasn’t as into me as I was into him. I feel like we’ve come a long way since the beginning and that we love each other equally now, but our dynamic from the beginning is so established now that it’s hard to change.

The feeling of being so in love still lasted for a long time for me, until quite recently when I started really feeling unimportant and taken for granted. From my point of view he has made very little effort towards me and our relationship for a long time, which I take my share of the blame for because I didn’t demand any effort from him and I think he was very comfortable with me pulling the weight. I know he loves me and he is the sweetest person, but I feel he’s lazy and low effort when it comes to me.

I spoke to him about this several times over the last year. Bringing up the same issue again and again without seeing any change caused me to recently start feeling done with the relationship and I told him this. I thinked he sensed that I had started to reach my limit for real this time, because he has clearly made more of an effort after this, which I of course appreciate.

I’m now unsure though, because even if he’s «gotten his act together» and realized he has to make an effort if he wants us to continue being in a relationship, I’m bitter about how much he took me for granted before. I wonder if I should try to put the past behind me even if it irks me and start fresh, or are his years of low effort too telling? I feel like he gave me only breadcrumbs for a long time, and I’m annoyed that he didn’t feel like I «deserved» more without me asking for it (and annoyed at myself for accepting it at the time). I’m not sure how I feel about us now and what I want.

Any advice would be very welcome, thank you in advance 🫶

Comments

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u/Angel_69911Aug 1, 2026, 5:34 PM
Not me finally cutting ties with my ex who did the same exact thing even after ending it and trying to " make things work again" when I gave him a second chance. Honey it never lasts. We are adults. We shouldn't be having to tell grown ahh men how to do the bare minimum in a relationship. Putting effort in is something they should WANT to do. Pursuing you, wanting you, wanting to know how your feeling. Calling you, texting you. Planning stuff ect. Hell even in any relationship it requires effort on both ends period. Im 30 and finally learned after almost 5 years. Hes not getting anymore of my time. Thats something you need to think about. I think you know deep down he's done this before. Seems to be doing better after a talk and the resorts to his old ways. If so, you might as well end it now. No one ever really changes, its a rare thing.
u/PriorBed26731Aug 1, 2026, 5:40 PM
What bad feelings you feel are valid. It took him feeling that he was going to lose you for him to change. Not only that, who's to say he'll stick to the change, and won't go back to being neglectful once he feels things are safe? You can see how things go, and see if he's committed to the change. Who knows, maybe he wants to change for you, and has learned his lesson. But if you are tired and want to end things, that's valid. After all, you felt ignored for the longest while, and just because he feels ready now, it doesn't mean you have to accept him.
u/lynn1Aug 1, 2026, 5:50 PM
If you stay, and if he continues to make *enough* of an effort, the bitterness will eventually mostly fade until it pretty much only comes out when you’re feeling unappreciated or otherwise stressed. When that happens, make sure you ask him directly for comfort. If he gives it willingly like “oh! Sure! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were having a hard time, how can I help?” then things will be fine. The more effort he makes, the faster this will happen. And 10+ years down the line, you may not have any bitterness left at all about this. So the questions are, then: \- is he making enough of an effort now? Or rather, is it more than enough? Because his effort will probably lessen over time and when he’s stressed. \- do you now feel like you can ask him directly for specific things you want, and he’ll do them? \- in what other areas, if any, does his “low effort” show up? Housework? I mention this because the division of household labor is one of the biggest issues couples have. That’s the one related to this problem that’s most likely to kill it later on. \- the biggest question is whether he fixes the problem and keeps it fixed. That’s a green flag. Almost anything can be gotten through with partners who fix problems that are brought to their attention. And the tiniest issue can grow like a weed through concrete and break the whole relationship, if a partner doesn’t fix it. From my own experience in a 20+ year relationship, there are common threads through all our problems and the signs were there from the beginning. Being a low-effort kind of person, if he is, is not necessarily a dealbreaker, if he fixes the issues that result from it and keeps them fixed. But if he’s just that kind of person, then it’ll show up in other areas and may eventually become a dealbreaker after a decade or more, or if you have kids, or when circumstances otherwise change. On the other hand, if it becomes a dealbreaker later on, you can deal with it then. It’s not worth it to quit a relationship over things that may become problems in the future. There are always tradeoffs. The ultimate question is whether the bad outweighs the good.
u/Helena_Handcart11Aug 1, 2026, 6:42 PM
I think you know deep down. You’ve been falling out of love with him over a long period of time and the more he continues to exhibit such lack of respect and such lack of effort for you, the less you are feeling for him. In 5 years time he’ll make even less and in 10 years you’ll be lucky to even get a birthday card or a kiss goodbye. If you are content for your life to become less and less loved, then accept what he is. If you want more, you’ll have to find it with someone else. I doubt any progress you’ve seen (because he’s picked up on you becoming distanced) will last. As soon as you go back to be the demonstrative person you were, he’ll stop trying. It’s likely that if he ever does realise what consistent effort it takes to keep a relationship, then it will be the next woman who benefits. I’m so sorry.