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r/stopdrinking · u/snapdragon-teaAug 1, 2026, 4:45 PM· NSFW

Unable to stop drinking after hospital visit (please help!)

I need help. Please.

I’ll skip all the frilly language. Over Memorial Day weekend I had to call an ambulance for my boyfriend after he woke me up screaming my name from the bathroom at 2:00 in the morning. There was blood absolutely everywhere, from the mouth and the anus. It looked like the fucking Shining. Two surgeries and a blood transfusion later, we’re here. Mallory Weiss tear from gagging, from drinking too much and puking too often. Hypertension, dangerously high blood pressure. I’m in therapy dealing with flashbacks and anxiety around using the restroom at all, fears of the porcelain breaking and slicing me open. It’s a mess and I cry all the time.

I’m 23, he’s 27. He refuses therapy. He’s seeing a psychiatrist (because I forced him to) but I’ve heard the phone calls and he’s not being honest. We’ve agreed to taper down from cheap vodka to a case of beer to four tall boys a night after I found him hiding bottles. But it never goes that way. There’s always more. Before work, after work, in the car, in the driveway, every time he “goes to the bathroom.” And like crabs in a boiling pot, we’re just pulling each other down.

I have my own drinking problem (hence being in the subreddit) but I seriously need help with his. I’m struggling HARD with my own sobriety but I know that I’m actively failing his, knowing it could literally KILL HIM.

TLDR; I’m asking you veterans, people who have been through hell and back and made it out the other side, what worked for you? What did it take to make lasting changes? The fear of literal death isn’t a good enough motivator anymore. Thank you all.

133

Comments

u/ahdrielle1Aug 1, 2026, 4:50 PM
I think you probably already know this considering you're one of us, but he has to choose it. You can be supportive as hell until your last breathe but if he doesnt want to, he won't.
- u/ignatious__reilly1Aug 1, 2026, 5:45 PM
  And it’s not “it COULD literally kill”. It WILL literally kill him. I advise OP to end this relationship today. She’s needs to focus on herself. If he’s hiding bottles, he’s not there yet and nothing she does will change that. If bleeding from your ass and mouth that requires surgery and blood transfusions doesn’t stop him, nothing will. OP, get out now, it only gets worse. There is nothing you can do for him. The buck stops with his own will power. Trying to guide it while controlling your own issues is leading you to nothing but hell.
  - u/al_m11011Aug 1, 2026, 6:03 PM
u/TheGargageMan1Aug 1, 2026, 4:51 PM
Are you drinking with him? You say "We". Al-anon is a group that helps people deal with loved ones addicted to alcohol. But they actually work on dealing with yourself, because you can't fix someone else.
- u/mom_bombadill1Aug 1, 2026, 7:26 PM
  r/alanon is a fantastic sub
u/Ok-Pomegranate74961Aug 1, 2026, 4:58 PM
I was in a relationship with a very heavy and seasoned alcoholic for several years. It was detrimental to me, my mental health, and drove me into my own alcohol issues. It was horrible. It still gives me ptsd. It was awful. Still is awful. Staying with him is only harming yourself. I still love my ex. I however love myself more. You need to get away from him and work on you. He clearly doesn't want to get better and you are just putting yourself through turmoil
- u/Goatey1Aug 1, 2026, 5:13 PM
  I second this. Sobriety is hard enough in its own. Trying to preserve your sanity while involving yourself with someone who is deeper into it is a losing proposition. Figure out what YOU need first.
- u/H2Ospecialist1Aug 1, 2026, 5:19 PM
  This has been my experience as well. 10 years together, both of us drinking heavy. I finally had enough and started my sober journey a few years ago. Everytime I caved and went back to drinking he was right there getting fucked up with me. We've havent been together for a few years now and I've distanced myself from him a lot. It's just sad and breaks my heart how he is killing himself. He has no desire to stop or even slow down. He's the love of my life but alochol is his.
- u/itstotallynotjoe1Aug 1, 2026, 7:43 PM
  My friend of years has essentially been lost to alcohol. I’ve had to cut him off and in the last year have helped his husband (also a friend) separate himself and initiate a divorce. It’s been painful to watch but what you said is spot on. My friend stopped participating in the marriage years ago and was actively dragging his husband down with his addiction. His husband loves him but has to protect his own life and well being.
u/russthorn691Aug 1, 2026, 4:59 PM
you are not failing his sobriety. he is, period. you both 100% need AA but he has to want it in order for it to work.
u/Mobile_Bell_50301Aug 1, 2026, 5:06 PM
If he's hiding bottles he's not ready to quit. If you are, you should quit that relationship and save yourself.
- u/Stunning-Profit88761Aug 1, 2026, 5:23 PM
  This OP. YOUR sobriety has to come first.
  - u/Mobile_Bell_50301Aug 1, 2026, 5:37 PM
u/Al_Fresco-ish1Aug 1, 2026, 5:08 PM
I can only control my action, my reactions and my own behavior. No one else's. IWNDWYT
u/Hitchin851Aug 1, 2026, 5:10 PM
This doesn’t sound like a level of dependency that can safely be addressed at home. Have you spoken at all about a medical detox?
u/fragile_exoskeleton1Aug 1, 2026, 5:16 PM
His sobriety is his responsibility. Your sobriety is your responsibility. It is impossible for you to be “failing” with respect to his. The only person you are failing right now is yourself. How can you possibly focus on your own recovery when you’re working so hard for his? It might not be intentional, because alcohol obviously, but he is taking you down with him. There’s a fork in the road. Only you can choose which path to take. One will be really effing hard, sure, but not as hard as the other, which is a lifetime (perhaps shortened by alcohol) of suffering.
u/shleemonsterr1Aug 1, 2026, 5:17 PM
He has to chose this for himself and sneaking bottles makes it pretty clear where he is at. Personally, I'd probably need to get out of that situation if i were to have any hope at sobriety. Iwndwyt.
u/kirschballs1Aug 1, 2026, 5:19 PM
Jesus Christ. I was such an aggressive puker.. Like one of my last straws I puked in bed, my girlfriend at the time washed her phone with the sheets... After hours puking up air I had to go to work looking like I had chicken pox because I broke blood vessels all over my face. I'm sorry to jump on your post with an anecdote but I stopped at 24, this was like a window into some alternate reality where I didn't get sober I'm so sorry that you're struggling mentally after this traumatic experience. FWIW I also have had the experience of my partner screaming in terror in the next room and running into blood and chaos. In my story though I was a few months sober and imo the only reason I broke up the dog fight without getting hurt and before the dogs were seriously injured. I shared that story because I think it's important to recognize that, luckily, my trauma was a galvanizing force for my sobriety. You can't face this, so you drink. You haven't learned how to face things because you cope with drinking. It's the hardest thing to do in the world until you realize how hard it is to live your life that way My apologies for the wall of text but I relate to your situation and I want you to know that I believe in you
u/H2Ospecialist1Aug 1, 2026, 5:22 PM
In MY experience with a partner who would not quit. I had to break up and distance myself from him. He is slowly killing himself with no desire to stop. He was dragging me down and any time I had moments of weakness I knew he would be game and almost excited to have his drinking buddy back. It sucks. It's heartbreaking. I love him so much but I have to put myself and my sobriety first.
u/Sad_Friendship_46151Aug 1, 2026, 5:25 PM
What works is when you’ve finally had enough. This is very personal and individualized to you. Or the person. I definitely don’t think I could be sober if I was with someone who was still actively drinking. I’ve seen some success stories on here, but I don’t know how they did it. Something is different this time for me. Something clicked. It was after years of absorbing quit lit, reading, rehab, ER visits, losing a job, almost losing a job. Many of those things meant nothing to me because I wasn’t ready. As they say I became, with finality, sick and tired of being sick and tired. It became incredibly unmanageable even after a few drinks. I couldn’t justify doing it anymore.
- u/WebpageError4041Aug 1, 2026, 7:08 PM
  Congrats on making it 2 months into your sobriety! Here’s to many, many more moths ahead of you.
u/LimpyDan1Aug 1, 2026, 5:29 PM
The moment I had the urge to get to a rehab, I stole on it before talking myself out of it as I had done many times before. And I insisted on intake as soon as possible. I did this without notifying my job or my family beforehand. Any chance I could be dissuaded had to go away. This was just how I did it. I have no real advice to offer other than that you know it needs to stop and whatever you need to do that, be as selfish as possible. No joke.
u/GodsBicep1Aug 1, 2026, 5:31 PM
You have the strength to do what I think you know what you must do.
u/Schmicarus1Aug 1, 2026, 5:34 PM
To answer the last part of your question: what made the lasting change for me was my wife leaving me. It was the best thing for her and, although it didn't feel like it at the time, the best thing for me. I still miss her and know that I was a fuck-up for just too long and there's no going back but that was the route my life took. My life now continues with an emptiness but I know that the emptiness was/is necessary for me to have changed my ways. Not saying you should leave him and not saying that leaving him will make him stop drinking but looking after yourself and your sobriety would be my number one focus if I was in your shoes.
u/TravelingMatt341Aug 1, 2026, 5:35 PM
Yo I rarely am this direct about it on this forum because I believe no specific form of recovery is right for every individual but this is a detox->30 day inpatient rehab situation for him and it sounds like a life/death situation. You won't be able to force him to do it but would something like a family intervention help?
u/slimjimice1Aug 1, 2026, 5:37 PM
I think about it one day at a time. Who knows what tomorrow holds? But today, I won’t drink with you.
u/bigwavedave0001Aug 1, 2026, 5:44 PM
When you find yourself in a hole, the first step to get out of it is to stop digging. A wise sponsor once told me that couples are Much more likely to drag one another down, than life each other up. Sounds like you guys need some medical intervention and some rehabilitation therapy
u/nydahand1Aug 1, 2026, 5:46 PM
Hiya. I'm sorry about what you're going through. Seems like hell... Listen, I ain't gonna say "do this...leave a certain person..." But do you have anywhere else you can go to, family ...close friends...while your partner gets the medical help he urgently needs? You need a safe space... Please consider your own safety, because we cannot save others, we barely can save ourselves. Take care...
u/Expensive_Thing_43181Aug 1, 2026, 5:53 PM
If a bleeding anus won’t solve the issue, neither of you can move forward. You need to evaluate what means more to you. Him or your life? I don’t mean to be dramatic, but someone who is in the condition that your boyfriend is in is in deep and he is going to drag you down with him. If you were my daughter I’d tell you t pack a bag and leave. I’d be there to get you. Please get yourself some help.
u/arcademachin31Aug 1, 2026, 5:59 PM
Take care of your side of the road. It sounds like your challenges are severe enough to warrant all of your attention on yourself.
u/PC-load-letter-wtf1Aug 1, 2026, 6:09 PM
He is going to be dead in the next few years. Why do you feel that this is your burden? I mean, when I was 23 I also thought that I was with the love of my life. But you’re not. You need to move on. Do not feel bad about it. Please listen to all of your big sisters here. Please please please run away. This is insane.
u/lingbabana1Aug 1, 2026, 6:18 PM
It seems hes unfixable, take whats left of yourself and leave. You can do it. We have faith in you
u/PresentTense211Aug 1, 2026, 6:21 PM
I hate to say it, but there's really not much you can do. I finally hit my rock bottom after 10 days in the ICU and being told I had less than a 50% chance at being alive in 90 days. It has to come from within him. I'm not judging him. The booze is controlling his mind, but if he's still sneaking and hiding it, he's not ready and nobody. Including him, knows what will be that spark. My advice is to work on yourself. Alcoholism is a super tough battle to fight on your own. Much less trying to carry someone else up that hill with you. It's like when the masks fall on the plane. You can't help your kid if you're suffocating. Control what you can control. Hopefully, your example will motivate him. But I'm gonna be honest. If what you described didn't scare a spark under his ass, I''m not sure anything will. I'm truly hoping for the best. IWNDWYT
u/Willing-Ad41691Aug 1, 2026, 6:28 PM
Nothing , you can do nothing. You yourself say you are pulling each other down. The only recourse you have is to see to your own sobriety and leave. If he's not going to have a near death hospitalization wake him up, he's not going to make the change. I'm sorry but sometimes the best and bravest thing you can do is leave.
u/jeffweet1Aug 1, 2026, 6:32 PM
Unfortunately unless and until he wants to stop, you can’t force him. Try Al anon
u/Alkoholfrei226051Aug 1, 2026, 6:36 PM
r/alanon
u/Ok-Complaint-371Aug 1, 2026, 6:38 PM
The best thing you can do in order to help him is to leave. While you are there he will be “screaming your name to save him” without actually follow his own responsibility for his sobriety. Pretending that he is compliant with tapering while escalating consumption outside of your supervision is going to make situation worse. Two things: leave him and get sober. Let The Universe take care of the rest
u/fradulentsympathy1Aug 1, 2026, 6:43 PM
I’m mentioned this on this sub a few times, but I was in your boat last year. My bf was my drinking buddy, morning noon and night. Except my boyfriend DID die. I used to not regret in life, but I have a very hard time forgiving myself for not being there when it happened and for not quitting while he was still alive. I wish I could have been a beacon of hope for him or something, a partner in sobriety. Getting sober is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and when I’m even slightly tempted I remind myself I’d be betraying him if I touched it. What helped was going to a detox center. I was locked in that place for 5 days. It wasn’t fun to not feel fresh air but when I got out I felt like a brand new woman. I’m not saying you should do this for him, it should ultimately be for yourself, but whatever can get you motivated to simply start I say use it. If I thought my big tough, never takes a sick day, nothing can touch him boyfriend was on the cusp of dying, I’d have quit way sooner. Eventually alcohol WILL catch up to you. IWNDWYT
u/gatoenvestido1Aug 1, 2026, 6:44 PM
I wanted to get sober. My partner did not. I wasn’t able to do it in the same household as her. We are no longer together. I relapsed for a few days earlier this year but otherwise I’ve managed to stay sober for 2+ years. I hope she can get sober and we still talk and I support her. We just couldn’t be together anymore.
- u/WebpageError4041Aug 1, 2026, 7:07 PM
  Good for you for getting right back to your sobriety. IWNDWYT
u/RepulsiveStill1771Aug 1, 2026, 7:15 PM
Sounds like y’all both need to quit and can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help their own self. Brash but quit or well yeah… 6 feet under.
u/MaceEtiquette11Aug 1, 2026, 7:15 PM
I’m going to just state that my mother stayed with a man very similar to this for over ten years. He never changed. She is no longer married to him.
u/Gagewhylds1Aug 1, 2026, 7:25 PM
Hard to make someone want to quit! Silly idea: maybe a movie night with Trainspotting and/or Leaving Las Vegas to help him see where his choices can lead. I remember them being pretty influential to me.