I am only as sick as the secrets I keep. Hiding something like this from my AA people would most certainly fuck me up. My sobriety started with total and complete honesty. Glad you made it back live and without harming anyone else. Freedom awaits.
After about 9 months of sobriety - the longest I've had in my adult life - I tempted fate and tried some controlled drinking. A day or two in a row here, a day there. I had to be extra careful so as not to get kicked out of the sober living house that I currently reside in. It was absolute madness to attempt it in such an environment, but after I got away with it once, it was easy to do it more often.
I won't lie, the first couple nights felt good. But the euphoria gave way to the same old boredom pretty quickly. The amount I was drinking quickly ramped up to where I was certain I'd get caught, and I almost started believing that I wanted to get caught so I could get kicked out and drink more. I started feeling so dark and depressed, as bad as I've ever felt.
The last two days, I drank two shots in the afternoon and just felt disgusted with myself. Physically, mentally, ethically, I was just sad and angry and miserable. And I'm glad. I remembered all over again how pathetic that life is. I don't want to go back to that. So I'm back to sobriety, back to recovery, back to the real me.
I'm writing this down so I can go back to it the next time I feel tempted. I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced this, but it's actually the first time I've been able to reel myself back in before anything bad happened. I feel like that is at least somewhat indicative of progress. I can't share this in any of my local meetings because they're all attended by people I live with, but at least I can share it here. IWNDWYT.
I am only as sick as the secrets I keep. Hiding something like this from my AA people would most certainly fuck me up. My sobriety started with total and complete honesty. Glad you made it back live and without harming anyone else. Freedom awaits.