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r/toddlers · u/ScentababyAug 1, 2026, 5:13 PM

My boyfriend hates being a dad

We are a 34 year old couple with a 18 month old toddler.

In that 1,5 year, our relationship seems ruined. My boyfriend sais it's because he never experiences rest/peace anymore. Our toddler was a baby that cried a lot and he's still very loud and screams in a high pitch every day. I know that's typical for this age and am more positive that it will pass.

My boyfriend on the other hand is so annoyed all the time. He will come home from work als if our toddler screams even once, he will go upstairs. He even admidded multiple times that 'he's not made to be a parent.' It makes me feel like he thinks of our kid as a mistake.

I can't take the 'I miss our old life' and 'I have no peace' anymore. When I tell him it hurts, he'll be angry at me for the rest of the day.

I'm so scared that we will not make it as a couple because of his selfishness. I'm sure the next year won't be easyer, my friends say a 2 year old is even harder 😪

Anyone that went through the same?

130

Comments

u/AutoModerator1Aug 1, 2026, 5:13 PM
Author: u/Scentababy

Post: We are a 34 year old couple with a 18 month old toddler.

In that 1,5 year, our relationship seems ruined. My boyfriend sais it's because he never experiences rest/peace anymore. Our toddler was a baby that cried a lot and he's still very loud and screams in a high pitch every day. I know that's typical for this age and am more positive that it will pass.

My boyfriend on the other hand is so annoyed all the time. He will come home from work als if our toddler screams even once, he will go upstairs. He even admidded multiple times that 'he's not made to be a parent.' It makes me feel like he thinks of our kid as a mistake.

I can't take the 'I miss our old life' and 'I have no peace' anymore. When I tell him it hurts, he'll be angry at me for the rest of the day.

I'm so scared that we will not make it as a couple because of his selfishness. I'm sure the next year won't be easyer, my friends say a 2 year old is even harder 😪

Anyone that went through the same?

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u/B3rrrt1Aug 1, 2026, 5:17 PM
Honestly, 18mo-2y was the hardest for us. They can't tell you anything but are so switched on. Does your partner get any down time like hobbies etc? Do you go for walks as a family, does he exercise? He worryingly sounds depressed, and that and parenting is really hard without hobbies
- u/surfatshortys1Aug 1, 2026, 5:34 PM
  Sounds like he’s getting a lot more downtime than she is. But it’s obviously not restorative, I agree that depression (etc) and lack of structure in off-time can basically wipe that time out like it never happened
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 5:37 PM
  Yes, he goes to the gym with a friend 3 times a week. Often as 'escape' when our son is in a bad mood. My bf was raised by a bipolar single mom so he gets negative real easy. It's all he has ever seen. He seemed happy in our 6 year relationship prior to the baby but I am quiet so we had a calm life.
  - u/MissMacky10151Aug 1, 2026, 5:49 PM1 reply
  - u/CrownedChicken1Aug 1, 2026, 5:58 PM1 reply
  - u/therealchrisbosh1Aug 1, 2026, 8:10 PM
- u/adumbswiftie1Aug 1, 2026, 6:25 PM
  i mean she says right there that he goes upstairs do avoid them whenever the little one screams. i’m more worried about if op gets any breaks or any help based on this post. sounds like the bf just doesn’t participate when he doesn’t want to and that leaves most of the work on op.
  - u/B3rrrt1Aug 1, 2026, 6:26 PM1 reply
u/Doppelboops1Aug 1, 2026, 5:23 PM
I have the experience of missing aspects of my life pre-baby, which is expected and understandable. But becoming a dad ideally involves surrendering to the transformative experience of having a child. You have to let go of what was and accept that you are now doing something different and very important, and engage in it wholeheartedly, with a generosity of spirit. And it can be the most meaningful thing you’ve ever done. Sounds like your partner hasn’t figured that out yet. Hope he gets there, for everyone’s sake.
- u/Tulcey-Lee1Aug 1, 2026, 5:28 PM
  100% this. Me and my partner have said the same and we are both open about the fact that we miss our old life at times. I miss my core muscles as they seem to have left the building 😂 I suffered badly with postpartum depression but now 17 months in things are brighter. It is the hardest thing we’ve ever done but we see the joy in it as well. Sometimes in the middle of the night if our son won’t sleep, or in the middle of a meltdown you can’t see the joy. Obviously those parts aren’t fun and no one likes them but seeing my son sat over from me now signing and babbling away is just the best.
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 5:57 PM
  Yes I agree with you 100%. I miss our old life aswell from time to time, it's normal. Like you said, I'm hoping every day that his eyes will open to the new life we have. I'm just afraid it will take 2 more years (the crying bothers him the most), and I don't know if I can resent him for 2 more years. It's not healthy
  - u/Kit_Kat24101Aug 1, 2026, 6:51 PM
  - u/throwaway2008841Aug 1, 2026, 7:38 PM
u/meeha231Aug 1, 2026, 5:26 PM
Im so sorry you have to deal with two children at home alone. Single parent is hard work!
- u/B3rrrt1Aug 1, 2026, 5:28 PM
  This is a real low blow. Men suffer from depression after children, too.
  - u/meeha231Aug 1, 2026, 5:37 PM1 reply
  - u/Tea_Is_My_God1Aug 1, 2026, 5:38 PM
  - u/surfatshortys1Aug 1, 2026, 5:38 PM
u/grawmaw131Aug 1, 2026, 5:29 PM
Literally loads of people go through this, including myself. I grieve our old life all the time. Im still very present and caring though. But I just find it relentless. It's very much an age thing at the minute. That age is incredibly "full on" and i enjoyed very little of it tbh. Your boyfriends feeling of missing old life is very common tbh.
u/snickelbetches1Aug 1, 2026, 5:29 PM
You are in the thick of it. I have an 18 year old and 2 year old. Some ages were truly a pleasure and some make you feel truly insane. It ok to not love it all the time. Toddlers is such a fun but annoying phase. It sounds like a lot is going on, but when he says that, he is likely looking to connect and it feels dismissive. And when you hear that, you think he means that he wishes he could undo all of it. I gave myself permission to feel the grief of the life I had before. I went through infertility and a lot of pregnancy complications to get my 2 year old. I felt sometimes guilty not loving it all the time. Sometimes I do miss not getting to do whatever I want whenever. I feel like that part of me died... but I'm in the other side now and I know that these stages are temporary. Like I just want to go to Ulta without feeling the pressure to go home.
u/whatsagirltodo1231Aug 1, 2026, 5:30 PM
I might try to implement time for each of you to fill your cups a couple times a week. Even if that means paying for a sitter. And couples therapy for sure. However, if neither of those things show improvement in his posture/attitude, it sounds like the best thing for you and your kid would be to break up. I can’t imagine it is good for a kid to grow up in a household with a dad who clearly resents him. 18 months is a hard age and I found things got a lot easier when my son developed language and improved his communication, but even on his hardest days, both my husband and I were still absolutely smitten with him and being parents.
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 5:54 PM
  We already do this. My parents live close so we do at least 1 date night a month. He just only enjoys our kid when he (our son) is in a good mood. Then I see glimpses of a good dad. It's when it gets hard that I feel like I'm on my own
  - u/kent28121Aug 1, 2026, 6:06 PM
u/kyii941Aug 1, 2026, 5:31 PM
Is this something you want to deal with for 18 years? Because I couldn’t do it. My husband loves being a dad and is an very involved father I couldn’t imagine him being annoyed with our kids.
- u/Cookie_Brookie1Aug 1, 2026, 6:04 PM
  Right? My husband gets annoyed or overstimulated at times and so do I… but he loves those boys. I’ve always felt that to be honest he is a pretty mediocre husband but a great dad.
u/NefariousnessNo13831Aug 1, 2026, 5:32 PM
My husband really struggled to connect and bond until our LO was a legit toddler and could walk/ talk and play with him. But with that being said, he bucked up and did all the parenting stuff you SHOULD do and I did not let him sit back and watch me do it all. If he needs noise cancelling headphones, so be it, but he should be doing all the stuff- feedings, bathing, bed time/ naps, consoling ALL OF IT. If he needs time out of the house bad bc he’s got a low tolerance, well then he needs to communicate and plan for that. If he is truly unhappy and doesn’t love the child, girl you better separate sooner than later (sorry to say). It’s hard to know if we should be compassionate or hard in this man, if he’s going through some depression to the adjustment, well that’s understandable but he needs help then.
u/Traditional-Week89261Aug 1, 2026, 5:51 PM
We “tag team” a lot. It’s the only way we managed to keep sane. Gives us time to be adult, exercise, see friends and just have quiet time. That goes for you leaving the baby with him as much as he does though. My husband always says the connection he has with our boy is completely different when I’m not around. He actually prefers it when I’m not there - he becomes parent no. 1 which is never the case when I’m there.
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 6:09 PM
  Yeah I agree with you on that. I found a hobby myself since our son turned 1 and my boyfriend sais he behaves most of their alone time. But my boyfriend does not play or sit with him. He just turns on the tv for our son and will sit on his phone for those 2 hours. I guess I'm just starting to resent him for not being as active of a parent as I am.
  - u/Imaginary_Apple77001Aug 1, 2026, 6:45 PM
u/sweetteaspicedcoffee1Aug 1, 2026, 5:51 PM
I hate 14-24ish months. Doesn't mean I hate being a mom. Toddlers are a lot, and it's not strange that he can't handle the screeching. I couldn't either, there were entire weeks that I couldn't be with my kid more than 10 minutes at a time because the noise physically and mentally hurt. Sometimes parenting does fall all on one parent, because they can handle that stage in a way the other can't. It'll switch at some point. Does your husband ever get to experience peace and calm in his own home? You take the toddler somewhere else for a few hours? I gotta have some peace in my own space every week or I turn into an overstimulated unregulated wreck. Therapy didn't help me, neither did meds, so try those avenues but don't think they solve all cases. Some people just have hard line needs that can either be met or the consequences can be suffered through.
u/dinosupremo1Aug 1, 2026, 6:01 PM
A lot of people feel that parenting is very hard at that age, but not all of them abandoned their responsibilities like your boyfriend. It shows that he’s not very mature himself. If he doesn’t intend on, even trying to make an effort, then he really doesn’t want to be a parent and you really only have one other choice. And that choice doesn’t involve subjecting your child to that kind of indifferent parenting.
u/Cookie_Brookie1Aug 1, 2026, 6:06 PM
He’s going to have to harden up a little bit. Honestly, I don’t enjoy the first few years much either. It sucks. I fell into horrible depression and anxiety both times. But kids change as they age and I won’t say it gets a ton easier but the challenges shift and it feels less monotonous and more manageable. But honestly sometimes being a single parent is easier than being a single parent with a shitty partner.
u/Melodic_Cat_38041Aug 1, 2026, 6:07 PM
My heart goes out to you, because it’s so difficult when you have to extra self-regulate and bypass your own needs to accommodate a partner who can’t self-regulate well. Him having such a low tolerance creates an imbalance, and suddenly everything is on you to carry, and carry with a better attitude than what he’s giving, for the sake of your child. That’s hard. Might have to find a way to talk to him about how he can better self regulate. Being a parent means pushing aside your wants and desires a lot of the time, turning a frown upside down, and realizing that your child is a sweet innocent soul who needs your love and energy.
u/Sorry_Twist_48741Aug 1, 2026, 6:07 PM
One thing maybe worth exploring, dads can experience post partum depression. Maybe it would be worth for him to explore therapy and maybe even couple therapy?
u/Moosemitten1Aug 1, 2026, 6:09 PM
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think you should see if your bf would be down to try therapy, but a lot of people like this are not. I think it would be good if he could adjust his mindset from "I hate being a dad" to "I do not like this stage of parenting." Each chapter is so different, and many of the nuisances of this age fade away with time. The good stays.
u/easterss1Aug 1, 2026, 6:11 PM
Your boyfriend sounds depressed and maybe burned out. Have you encouraged him to seek help through therapy and medication? After my husband did that we started couples therapy and it made a huge difference to be able to talk about what he was going through and how we can support each other. Also is your kid in any sort of care during the day? Do I understand correctly he’s still crying a lot every day? This is a challenging time for them because they begin to feel really big emotions and then get scared about how to handle them, which is where parents can step in to help them understand what they’re feeling and put a word to it, then find tactics to deal with it like deep breaths and eliminating stimulation. A couple of books I liked that you can find summaries of online if you don’t want to read all of them: \- Good Inside by Dr Becky \- No Drama Discipline (or Whole Brain Child) Having your bf read with you or discussing the contents of the book will help you get on the same page about how to handle it. It’s totally fair for either one of you to step away when you need to take a breath but it’s completely unfair to everyone involved to quit. He made a commitment to this child to create and raise him and he needs to figure out how to be his best self to do so.
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 6:22 PM
  He sais he does'nt need therapy. He needs it for his own childhood but does'nt want to hear it. So if it's a depression, it stems from his mom. He's not interted in books, doesnt even look up things online. I'm raising out child and he will play rough with him from time to time. I'm not saying he doesnt love our son, I genuinly feel like he does'nt know how. He grew up with a single bipolar mom and he pretty much had to be the lan of the house since 12 years old.
  - u/easterss1Aug 1, 2026, 6:37 PM
u/nanoH2O1Aug 1, 2026, 6:21 PM
That’s a tough stage. For people that are kind of chill, home bodies beforehand I think the transition is less abrasive. For those that like social and alone time it is tough. Hell it’s tough for anyone that first kid. The dad doesn’t feel the same bonding that a mother gets until the LO is old enough to play, wrestle, etc. Makes it harder to get through the tough times. And screaming can be a stress trigger for some. I have my noise canceling AirPods on hand all the time and when one of my three gets to screaming I pop them in/on. Helps out tremendously. With that said - tell that man to toughen up. He’s a dad whether he likes it or not so he needs to get it together and seek help - via therapy or noise canceling.
u/[deleted]1Aug 1, 2026, 6:22 PM
[removed]
u/concrete-pajamas1Aug 1, 2026, 6:23 PM
This might seem like a really silly suggestion but has he tried earplugs? You get good ones like loops that muffle loud noises but still allow you to have a normal conversation with someone. When we had kids my husband really REALLY struggled with the crying (he also had some PPD) and honestly, one of the most practical things he tried that helped was just putting in earplugs. We figured out he was getting immediately super overstimulated when the crying started which put him in a terrible headspace but when he puts the earplugs in he's much more capable of calmly dealing with situation. He also went to therapy for his PPD. We had a very, very hard time being first time parents because he initially didn't feel cut out to be a dad and it was a real struggle. But now with a 2 year old and a 4 year old things are heaps better, our relationship has recovered and we both enjoy being parents.
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 6:43 PM
  Happy to hear things got better. Yeah our son was colicy so we lived in earpluggs for 3 months. It probably traumatized both of us but my bf's not open to therapy.
  - u/concrete-pajamas1Aug 1, 2026, 6:52 PM
u/forheadkisses1Aug 1, 2026, 6:36 PM
Why would you want this guy around? It sounds like brought nothing but sperm to the table. Your child deserves better. Break up and have him pay you child support. You’re already a single parent.
u/host-daffodils1Aug 1, 2026, 6:37 PM
Thank you for this post. I wish there was a mandatory class in school to help people decide whether or not they should be a parent. It should always be a thoroughly informed decision to start a family. Most parents don’t tell non-parent adults the truth about how much parenting sucks. They sugarcoat it, others fall for it and then there’s no going back. Parenting sucks hard; physically, emotionally, mentally & financially. Your boyfriends feelings are valid but he has made his bed & absolutely needs to support you better.
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 6:54 PM
  Yep. My boyfriend admits that he was delusional thinking because we are both chill, we would get a easy going child aswell 😅. Well, we got a wild one and I don't see it changing anytime soon.
  - u/host-daffodils1Aug 1, 2026, 6:58 PM
u/Imaginary_Apple77001Aug 1, 2026, 6:40 PM
Couples therapy. 1 year olds are exhausting and we all have moments
u/Int-Merc8051Aug 1, 2026, 6:50 PM
Your boyfriend is experiencing something very normal. But he’s not handling it like he should. Even when it’s hard he needs to show up for that baby every single day. When I’m not at work I’m with my kids. No exceptions. And I proudly say all the time that I don’t like the baby phase. I’m a 2-3 year old and beyond Dad. That’s the phase I love. Co play, exploring the world, getting stuff done with a little partner “helping”. I eat that up. But I make no excuses for the fact that I fucking hate the toddler phase. They’re annoying, helpless, bumbling, and wake you up constantly. So here’s my advice. Show him this comment. Here’s my words specifically to him. Hey, this will pass. They aren’t always this way. Right now though showing up for your kid will create a bond you can’t replace later. Every time that baby cries they need to see a parent soothe them. You can’t have it only be your gf. Baby needs to see you too. Find some shows, documentaries, books, plop your ass down on the carpet and hang with your kid. Workout. Stretch. Call people on the phone and catch up. I know it’s hard man. I missed being able to wrench on the car without asking anyone. I grieved the life I had before kids. But when my now 6 year old hit 2.5 things changed. That’s when the fun begins. It’s just a year away for you. Also think about future you and your gf. You want to be the guy that says he showed up and pulled weight in his relationship. Break the cycle of dads that don’t hang with their kids. I know life’s not fair. I know work is kicking your ass. I know the world’s never been more expensive and I know you fear the future. But when you get home, be present in the now. You won’t want to regret these days. And for the screaming things man. AirPods. When my kids throw a fit I throw on music and let them work it out. I’ll be real with you though. If he’s uncomfortable something’s wrong. Diaper wet? Does he need some diaper cream, or to be drier? Is he hungry? Does his teeth hurt? Try to think about you being stuck in a body that can’t talk and it’s in pain. It’s on you to figure that out. I know you’re scared to do it wrong. The whole game is just trying shit man. I promise you that you got this and your instincts will kick in. Also, between me and you, your gf will be so appreciative if you step into your role with both feet. Best of luck to you both.
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 7:01 PM
  Thank you for this. I think you do understand how he's feeling very well. My bf's a cop so he works a lot and at crazy hours. So I try to be as understanding as possible and do most of the work at home. As you said, just feeling seen and apreciated would change the world to me.
  - u/Int-Merc8051Aug 1, 2026, 7:08 PM
u/88CutlassViper1Aug 1, 2026, 7:06 PM
Got a 5m 2y and 4y. Its so hard. Ontop of all the stresses of bills we could pay easy if we could both work full time. I found personal dream goals and I never have wanted to work more towards it then ever and same with the wife but alas we must spend time with the kids instead of spending hours at a time a day to work towards those dreams. Setting your "me time" to late at night just before bed and looking forward to it just to get a break from all the responsibilities while working on my personal dream during their naptime... if im not napping too. Kids force you to live in the current moment which is really hard for anxious people and people with adhd. But its for the better.
u/Brilliant_Feed41581Aug 1, 2026, 7:11 PM
Yes. Same. Always bad nights, during the day hardly any me time, constantly overstimulated, all my creative energy had to wait until 8pm but then I was to tired to do anything. If I could turn back time I would. Age 4 and 6 now and I enjoy it much more. Still overwhelmed at times, annoyed with my wife and miss thing I used to do. But im also having more time and freedom and more fun with the kids. Idk what to advice. Perhaps talk to him. Be understanding and not judgemental of his feelings. Give each other time off, divide tasks (nights) so one parent can chill. DONT TAKE A SECOND KID.
- u/Scentababy1Aug 1, 2026, 7:18 PM
  Yeah we would not survive another child. He also sais 'we are too old to have a ferral toddler' alot , but it's not like he had more patience 5 years ago 🤣😅 I think he is just not a baby or toddler dad, like you said. It's just realy hard on me as a mom since I do all the comforting. He rarely picks him up when he cries, he will just sigh and get angry.
u/omalleysblunt11Aug 1, 2026, 7:13 PM
As a 27 y/o father of 3, your partner sounds like a giant man baby. Don’t be out here having unprotected sex if you don’t wanna man up and be involved when babies are made.
u/[deleted]1Aug 1, 2026, 7:25 PM
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u/Eating_Bagels1Aug 1, 2026, 7:44 PM
Yes and no. My husband loves being a dad to our son, but if our son so much as cried, mostly before year 1, he would also shut down. Couldn’t continue our conversation. It’s a little pricey, but one thing that really helped us was set a tradition in our household, of going to brunch every Saturday/Sunday. It gave us not only “us” time, but it also allowed us to reconnect and feel human/young again.
u/No_Illustrator_60791Aug 1, 2026, 8:07 PM
Did he ever want kids? You've discussed this with him before having your son haven't you?