Because its sensual and intimate. Same reason we might give them a massage or a foot rub.
Please, please do not take this the wrong way. I am genuinely curious and I'm trying to understand this. And I don't mean to offend anyone or imply that asexual ppl who do this aren't asexual at all, but I'm simply curious. Whenever I've seen an asexual share their horrible experience about sex, I always wonder if it isn't... SA? If they don't like the sex and are pushing themselves to it to please their partner, that should be considered SA, right?
Because its sensual and intimate. Same reason we might give them a massage or a foot rub.
Not all ace people dislike sex. Being ace is about a lack of sexual attraction, not how we feel about participating in the act itself.
Some asexual like sex, even desire to have it. Others you had just to feel close with their partners, or to feel good with a person they trust. And then yes, some do it to please a partner—hopefully entirely consensually. Not everyone hates sex.
Asexuality is a spectrum and is different for each individual. While some ace people are sex aversive some others may like sex even tho they don't feel sexual attraction. They may also be demisexual or greysexual and experiment sexual attraction on rare occasions or with very specific individuals.
Because asexuals choose to compromise sometimes, especially out of love. People would do a lot for love.
Also asexuality doesn't mean a lack of libido, and someone asexual can still be attracted to their partner in other ways.
The choice is to have sex or be alone. I choose to be alone now but for many years I was too afraid to be on my own so I had sex to maintain my relationship.
💯 this! I quite like my peaceful solitude these days, but I used to be scared of dying alone. Stupidity societal pressure LOL
Because it kept a roof over my head
Not all asexuals hate sex stuff It's a lack of attraction, not libido. Some ace people have sex for fun/regularly
I think it's a nuanced sometimes yes sometimes no sometimes it's complicated thing. So, on the one hand, I think there are situations where aces actively want to not have sex, but feel pressured to do so anyway - sometimes by a partner, but also often by society and family and peer pressure more broadly, even if the partner does nothing wrong. The former could be considered sexual coercion or even sexual assault, of the "nagging until your partner emotionally surrenders" kind, but we as a society aren't as well equipped to handle the latter. There can certainly be a feeling of violation or long lasting trauma there, much like with more typical sexual assault, but there's no directly identifiable perpetrator - you can't take "years of social expectations and cultural pressures" to court and charge it with assault. So it doesn't really fit into our ideas of sexual assault or our methods for handling things that we label as such. There is an idea called the "felt sense model of consent" that is one approach to try and think about situations like that, where the feelings of the subject are emphasized over the actions (good or bad) of the partner, but that one also varies in whether people find it useful or not. That said, it's important to understand that you can't assume that all aces experience sex as a violation. For some people, it's not that they actively don't want sex, they just don't particularly want it (at least without other incentices present). So they may not see it as a big deal, and may see it as just something you do to help maintain a relationship, like how you do chores to help maintain a house. Some people may also be perfectly comfortable using sex for transactional purposes - for money (as in sex work), or for attention or validation or for orgasm or even to secure a romantic relationship. Now, I think there is room for debate about whether a transactional approach where sex is something you strategically trade for a more desirable partner or more relationship security is a healthy approach to relationships, and whether it is possible to maintain long term without breaking or veering into something that does become more violating over time, but I think that is a separate question where "sexual assault" or "consent" are not the applicable frameworks.
This is very well said. To me, sex is like a chore. Do I enjoy doing dishes? No, but someone's gotta do them. I want my partner to have his needs met, and I don't mind making him feel seen because he deserves to be loved. I wouldn't be with someone who pressured me, but it's like when he washes my car. He's going out of his way to take care of me because we're on the same team. I also don't dislike sex, it's just there are other things I'd rather be doing.
because they want to?
I don’t. Sex is a no-go for me.
Because he would legitimately stop talking to me. He would walk around the house and pretend I didn’t exist. He would also be unreasonably mean to my dog. Yes I understand that this is completely toxic. The relationship lasted for seven years and it’s over now. I thought he understood but he really didn’t. He acted like he understood in the beginning. And then all of a sudden it was too late. So I really had to if I wanted to be treated like a person with even basic politeness.
Yeah, the emotional abuse is so intense and I'm glad you're not in that situation anymore.
You answered your own question in your title.
Oh yeah, and how about we stop normalising this?
First, asexuals can experience and sexual pleasure without feeling sexual arousal. It’s a spectrum. I identify as asexual because in my whole life, I have never been aroused by a person. But that doesn’t mean that the pleasure centers don’t work. Second, an asexual can decide to have sex with their partner because they want to please their partner and make them feel good. Having a bad or unpleasant sexual experience is not sexual assault if both people consent before and during the act. Not enjoying sex doesn’t mean someone was assaulted. You can consent to something you don’t like. I don’t like certain movies but I would go with my partner to make them happy. Please don’t throw around the term sexual assault. Just because someone didn’t enjoy sex, even if they hated it, doesn’t make it sexual assault.
"Just because someone didn't enjoy sex, even if they hated it, doesn't make it sexual assault" ...I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this, but- Concent is ungoing. If allo partner convinced their ace partner to try, then it is already borderline SA, because it was forsed. But let's say ace person truly wanted to try, then it's not SA, right? Well...as an allo person who now knows, you are obligated to ask during the process to make sure everything if okay. If ace person is not longer enjoying it/hates it, then it should be immediately stopped. Anything else is SA.
because some people like being submissive to their partners
I consider myself sex indifferent a-sexual.... Possibly demi-sexual but it's something I'm figuring out. I'm in a long term relationship and though I can still enjoy sex - I could happily never have sex again. It's not something I really think about or ever really initiate with my partner - but I do it for them.
If you're consenting, I would not consider it SA. You may not want to do it, but if it's not forced upon you and it's a mutual decision, it's not assault. Also, there are many types of asexual. You could enjoy sex without being attracted to the person you're doing it with. It's as complex a question as the amount of asexuals there are in the world, because we're all different.
If they feel like they have to or it's coercive it's rape. Some asexuals have a libido but no attraction, and just like sex I personally just enjoy making my partner feel happy and loved. It doesn't make me uncomfortable, so I'm happy to provide
I have no interest in it myself but I want to satisfy my partner.
Have you ever eaten at a restaurant you don't care for because it makes your partner happy? I see it as something similar. It's not a big deal to me. Of course others will feel differently about it though.
There are two answers here. The definition of asexual doesn't refer to the act of having sex but rather to the lack of sexual attraction to others.
They do it to please their partner despite not wanting to do the act. This is basically SA but it's a bit of a grey area because they don't explicitly say no.
They do it because it feels good even if you don't experience the attraction. This isn't an issue but is the one that often confuses people.
It really depends on the person. I'm concerned about some of them, but some still like sex. Asexual means just experiencing little to no sexual attraction, they can still enjoy sex, they just don't see the other as sexually attractive necessarily. Completely not liking sex is being sex-negative, but being asexual can be a big part of it.
It is SA unless enthusiastic concent was giving, which is not possible when you're ace, so yes, SA in this community is normalised because asexual people feel like they own someone and they make sure to let others know, spreading the plague. "Asexuals can sex too!!" Harmd this community more than anyone could've ever imagined.
You can see how OP asks if this is SA, and almost everyone in the comments pushes their "because" instead as if there is a way to normalise any of this...
Because at one point, I genuinely loved him and did so because of it. After dealing with a buuunch of shit caused by him and his inability to change to address it, the love and respect I had for him died, and so did any willingness for sex. Plus, I in the beginning I had zero idea I was asexual at the time. So it was a combination of that and trying to force myself to do what everyone else seemed to enjoy. Which is a combination I vehemently discourage anyone from doing.