Lots of people experience gender fluidly. I have days where I hate presenting feminine but I absolutely "should have" been born female. Hope you find answers
I’m such an analytical person, and need answers as to why I do certain things or why certain habits are created or why I like certain things, etc…
I’ve told my therapist that I believe that I’m transgender, That I should’ve been a female at birth - granted, that’s not inherently true, I’m not sure that I “should’ve been a female at birth”, I’m not sure why sometimes I feel like I should be a female and absolutely HATE being a male and the entire aesthetic around it and everything to do with my body.
Then other times, I haven’t a care in the world about “being Jacki”, I just do my own thing as “Jake” and as look as I don’t look in a mirror, I am perfectly content with life, somewhat.
The other day, I was really feeling myself, I grabbed a cage, some cute panties, I took a shower to wash the day off, was still feeling myself, Dried off, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and it was like seeing the battery drain from full charge to absolutely nothing. I put the cage away, grabbed some boxer briefs, and put clothes on as quick as possible.
I just don’t know who I am, who I should be, what I should be, I’m in therapy, but the answers haven’t come about yet.
I’m just worried I’m using “Jacki” as a driving force to turn myself into something I’m attracted to, and I’m not entirely sure that should be the correct reasoning and I’m just feeling like a parody currently.
Staring down this road narrowing, just feeling like it’s a guns barrel.
Lots of people experience gender fluidly. I have days where I hate presenting feminine but I absolutely "should have" been born female. Hope you find answers
Try reading up on this https://genderdysphoria.fyi/ it's a very good source of info.
Gender dysphoria is something that can come and go, one day an action will mean nothing to you, but the next it can make you breakdown and cry. Just because you're not experiencing it in the moment doesn't mean you imagined experiencing it before. Dysphoria doesn't go away when you transition either. Seemingly against logic, it can actually increase when you start to transition.
You're worried that you might be confusing wanting to be with a woman and wanting to be that woman. It's a common thing that trans people experience, attacked by their own mind and bigots.
I can't tell you if you're trans or not, but I can tell you that cis people spend zero time worrying about mixing up their attraction and their identity. Save for some strange emotional transference of deep traumas having to do with your attraction and identity being so mixed up you can't tell the difference. I've never heard such a thing, but it might exist. What definitely exists are traumatized trans people, asking themselves over and over again "What if I'm faking this?". Again, cis people almost never question their gender, they have no reason to think it's even something they could question.
Your analytical mind is lying to you with facts, trying to convince you that your emotions are either wrong, mistaken, or never existed in the first place. You cannot logic your way into your identity, just like I can't tell you if you're trans or not, it has to be how you feel. Even if that's confusing, not consistent, and painful sometimes.