I’ve suffered from depression most of my life, and it’s not been easy. Jumping from medication to medication trying to find what works for me, what takes away the pain, and eases my mind. I eventually landed on Setraline, 100 mg, and I will say, out of all the medications and therapy i’ve tried, it worked. Things didn’t bother me as much anymore, an inconvenience could happen and I’d dust it off. I wasn’t as anxious anymore , I walked around with a IDGAF attitude. It was awesome.
But I’ve never been great at taking my pills. I have ADHD brain, so once I get really busy, I start forgetting important things to do, like taking my antidepressant pills, which is exactly what happened. So a few weeks ago I decided to stop them completely, just to see how my mind and body would react. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. Crying, anxious, feeling like no one likes me or that i’m annoying. It’s been a mess. But in the midst of that, I realized I could feel more. I was more loving towards my boyfriend and others around me. I didn’t walk around like a zombie just floating through earth anymore. I listen to music and I feel more connected to it. I’m an artist, and i’ve been creatively bankrupt for months now (along the time I started my antidepressants) and now it feels like ideas are flowing back into me and I feel more of an urge to create again after months of not wanting to or feeling like it was a waste of time.
It’s such a slippery slope. I want to be mentally healthy, I want to be able to dust things off my shoulder and not let my emotions control who I am. In the same breath, my art and my sensitive side is what make me, me. I didn’t realize how much I missed feeling and creating until I stopped taking my meds and I felt drawn to these things that make me feel alive again. I’m at a complete loss of what to do. I wish I could have both but I know it’s not possible.
I stopped taking my meds when I did not have a drug plan anymore and could not afford it anymore. I was crying at a drop of a hat. I was fine up until I had a mental breakdown in June. I went back on the antidepressant medication I was taken and I stopped crying as much and my mood was more even. I realized that I can never ever stop taking my antidepressant medication or I will relapse again.