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r/relationship_advice · u/UncannyFox1 ago 2026, 17:38

My (30m) partner (29f) and I can’t seem to reach an understanding in conflict

I don’t know where conversations can go with us when we’re in conflict

I try to be very understanding…when she speaks I say “I’m hearing that you ___” to make sure we’re on the same page

She doesn’t feel understood, that we can’t move forward without a baseline of understanding for what she’s going through (lack of trust, questioning if she’s welcome in my community)

I told her where my understanding was, put myself in her shoes, truly empathized with her position. But she refuses to believe I actually feel the pain she’s in.

“You just repeated back to me what I’ve said to you - I don’t believe you actually understand. You weren’t me in that situation so how can you understand the pain I’m in.”

So I ask, how can I make it known that I understand? I’ll never know what it’s like to feel that pain, but how can I show I understand?

She says through actions

And I say okay, so what can we do to interact and make you feel understood? I list some actions and ways I can be consistent in my behavior to rebuild trust

And she says it’s not interactions, it’s comments you make after you tell me you understand

When I say something like “I want to believe that people who love each other want to make it work”

And she starts crying and says “this is why I feel like you don’t understand, comments like that. That places an unfair expectation on me to believe you right now and work on it”

But I’m saying IF we want to move forward to be together, then WE have to talk about what “working on it” looks like. It doesn’t have to start right now, but if we want to be together, we have to make a plan, we have to communicate. She says she can’t work on things right now, but that she wants to be with me and make it work. It feels like a paradox.

She says “I don’t know if I can work on it right now, and I don’t believe you understand me”

So I say “you’re not ready to work on things right now, and I am ready, so where do we go from there? I’m saying how can I help you feel seen and understood, because that’s what you need, but you are saying you don’t believe I can understand what you’re feeling. So where does that leave us?”

And she says “you’re putting the emotional labor of things on me, this is why I feel like you don’t understand.”

Does any of this make sense? I feel like I’m trying to be SO understanding and work on things, but she feels like I’m completely missing the point. This constant push and pull of wanting to be close to me and figure this out (telling me I love you, I miss you, I want to have kids and marry you while we’re broken up), but pushing me away when I try to work on things and take a step to be closer.

Comentarios

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u/MckittenMan11 ago 2026, 18:09
I hate to say it, but I don't think you two will ever develop proper conflict resolution if she is keeping you two stuck in the same loop.

You're trying to escape that loop in order to progress to the next stage of settling the problem. But she keeps the loop alive with all this, you're not understanding me, you're not understanding me, you're not understanding me, see! Comments like that is you not understanding me.

She is keeping the loop repeating itself.

You have this problem. She has that problem. A conflict happens. Each of you take turns to speak you piece. Try your best to understand each-other, sometimes there won't be prefect understand since you're different people and that's okay... But there needs to be a transition in that conversation where it becomes:

Okay, where do we go from here? How do we fix this so it doesn't happen again. What action / behaviour change do we both need to step up on moving forward so this doesn't repeat itself. What I need from you next time is xyz, what do you need from me next time and I will work on that for my side of things.

Start actually working together to come up with a solution / resolution to the problem, rather than talking in circles about the problem itself. And putting into action what the other needs is fundamentally understanding each-other.

I think you two are fixating on the wrong part in your conflict resolution. This feels less about a need to understand each-other better, and more about how to move the conversation forward to progress into the next stage of the conflict to actually fix it.

In theory, should try your best to understand each-other on the deepest of levels. But some stuff, you simply won't. You're different people. Different genders. Different experiences. Different thought processes. You're not always going to perfectly understand each-other. And when my wife and I hit those brick walls, we pivot:

Okay, we're kind of talking in circles here, I need to sit on that and reflect more on it. But lets start focusing on moving this conversation forward into resolution. Start discussion solutions, what do we need to implement and what changes do we need to make to stop this from happening again in the future.

I don't know the whole backstory behind the original conflict, lack of trust / feeling unwelcomed in your communicate.

Those are genuine problems that need fixing. The conversation needs to hit a point where its:

I don't want you feeling that way. I am sorry you don't feel welcomed in my community, it pains me to see you feel that. I want to fix that because you deserve to feel welcomed and that's my problem to resolve. I was thinking you need xyz to make you feel more included, would that work better for you? I can see how that persons behaviour would be a problem, I will jump on that to address it. What do you need so this can be fixed?

Getting to a position like that... But you will never get there if she is keeping you two stuck in the same loop. She has been communicated her baseline, understanding it also comes with taking action to fix it. She is holding things back from hitting the fix it stage.
u/[deleted]11 ago 2026, 18:12
[removed]
u/HatsAndTopcoats11 ago 2026, 18:22
You say you're "in conflict." Are you actually in conflict *about* something, i.e. she wants X, you want Y?
- u/UncannyFox11 ago 2026, 18:29
  We both want to get back together She sees it happening “very far down the line” and take space to be friends (but is still telling me she loves me/misses me/wants to have kids with me while we’re “friends”) Basically, I don’t want to take a break and leave it open to fate or chance that life puts us back together. I want to actively work on things so that we can be together. She doesn’t feel capable of that right now.