So I'm designing the personal castle of a 1000 year old archmage that vanished, and the question arises. Where do the poops go?
Prestidigitation? Magical chamber pot? I feel like he would have evolved past pooping somehow, but how would you mechanically do that in 5e or some homebrew framework?
I know I'm overthinking it, but I'm genuinely curious now. Where should the poo go?
The castle is within his personal demiplane if that makes any difference.
Magical chamber pot is my first thought. It's got to be extremely easy for an archwizard to enchant one with an automatic Prestidigitation spell.
I would think he'd find a way to eliminate the BM from within his bowels though . Technically he's in touch range for any spell
Easy. Another demiplane.
Had the same thought!
The poo plane
He just goes whoever he wants in the garden, and the plants that touch it become sentient.
Purify Food and Drink. Recycle
🤢🤮😭
🤢
Prestidigitation to make it smell like apple pie too 😂
Magic so he doesn't have to eat and drink would be my first assumption.
But eating and drinking is enjoyable sometimes. This archmage has a city of succubi he created surrounding his castle also so he's not above indulging the lesser impulses
SPHERE OF ANNIHILATION
/thread
Not a Bag of Devouring?
I'm imagining a chamberpot with a top that looks like the portal in tomb of horrors
Using the demi plane spell to create a new toilet every now and then. XD
Toilets?
Good reasons include: No thaumaturgical readings for misc scrying in the ether. Can cheaply make as many as possible. No monsters likely to crawl through like Samora from The Ring. Poo is a useful resource for a castle economy.
Create/destroy water
He has a closet full of bags of holding that each have 500lbs of shit in them
This made me chortle, no other word for the sound I just made
Oof. One miscalculated shit and it literally will hit the fan. The astral fan, that is, but still.
This is my favorite answer so far lmao. 1000 years of shit bags of holding and an unseen servant that scoops up after him like a dog owner 😂
I was also thinking the archmage would do something silly with it - at that age … I thought bags of holding would be hilarious because he could then rain poop on his foes, but then some other ideas popped up: A gate which always sends his poops to a part of mechanus where a squad of modrons must fastidiously tidy it. A portable hole when he will eventually leave lying around where some level one adventurers are sure to find it. He polymorphs into a cat and poops in his nemesis’ herb garden. But best for a grumpy old bastard: he just does it in his pants whenever he feels like it and casts a cantrip when the smell bothers him. I worked in a home once and there was one guy who seemed to enjoy soiling himself. To each their own
Bag of Devouring.
A thousand years is a long time to develop a list of enemies. With a thosand years of study and creativity, every dookie is teleported as it exits. Imagine the precision of a thousand years?! Eating a ham sandwich.. poof.. mid bite that's not ham anymore.
He collects it to make golems for home defense
Golems made of dried out & compacted poop would be entertaining.
Excellent to set on fire and leave at your enemies doorsteps
Ah yes, the fecalmancer
Chamber Pot of Holding?
His trusty diaper mimic eats the poop
An Unseen Servant who follows him with a chamberpot at all times?
One of those castle poop cabins that hang off the side of the castle and just drop it down a shoot from the hole you sit on. Bonus points if it goes in the moat and makes the whole place smell a little gross, but he's entirely nose blind to it.
Garderobe - that's what's it's called.
beloved pet otyugh
Heyyy that’s where I went too!
Chamber pot of holding. Once it fills up he just dumps it into a gelatinous cube he captured, then retrieves the chamber pot once more
Slimes. Slimes take care of the general cleaning of the castle, a few of them live in the sewers and leave a lime smell right after they finish their job, dirt, poop, dust, they eat all of that in order to keep themselves alive.
That depends on how much humanity he was willing to preserve. Either he does not eat or drink, and on a rare occassion when he does it all converts into magic, or he had a penchant for dining and fine wine, and he has multiple luxurious bathrooms on each floor, a bidet, a spa bathtub with bubbles and golem roombas for cleaning like a true billionaire.
Toilet houses a plane to one of the ones covered in fire. Poop burns in the insane heat of the hells
Indoor plumbing ending in a chamber containing gelatinous cube. Everything flushed goes to that chamber.
Rectum magically replaced with bag of holding
Stories about 1,000 year old archmages generally focus on the more interesting (and less disgusting) details. But you do you
I intend to report the facts. I don't want to bias things with my lens of what will or won't be important to the players. Now how many poop golems would emerge in a demiplane of poop that's been filling for about 900 years? That's where my thoughts are headed. would they ever escape? What's the protocol in place if one does? Let's say there's a permanent portal to the poo demiplane at the bottom of his lou, that might be a security risk. It's a very complicated subject.
Didnt actual castles in cultures just always have toilets on outer walls so the poop went down a big shoot and often over a cliff, into a big hole, ocean, etc? If hes in a demi plane he shits down a chute and just goes off into the void. No enchanted items required for this one really lol. Now if you want to make an enchanted chamber pot as part of the story or something more than a set piece then I fully support such action.
But what if he wants to take his grand flying steed out for a jaunt across his plane to visit his vaults and isles? He'll get dook flapping off the face of his mighty mount. No good.
A mimic that loves poop has taken residence in his tower and routinely takes the form of the commode.
Prestidigitation?
His pants are enchanted to destroy poops and clean themselves instantly
He’s got a normal toilet because he’s got better things to spend magic on, plus the staff if he has any need facilities. Of course the castle sewer could be riddled with sewage elementals and broken spell bits, or he’s got a power plant running off the turds based on your tech level.
A gelatinous cube at the bottom of the loo.
He has a rune circle tattooed around his asshole that teleports the poop on anyone he chooses within range.
He sends all of his poops to the poop dimension. It's an alternate dimension that all powerful wizards know how to access, but many of them don't discuss it.
My former DM constructed a society in which everything was connected to the Elemental plains. Plumbing to Water, heating to Fire, cooling to Air. But, the whole system became unstable and ripped a hole to the Shadowfel, which consumed his character's parents.
Poop golem in the sewers. The brother must eat magical food, his dookie gonna be magical too. You made me look it up, but apparently a normal person cooks up 145kg of 'enriched soil' per year, so after a thousand years you'd have one absolute unit of an Excremental.
Hidden boss of the castle lol
Poop golems.
There is a reason gelatinous cubes and carrion crawlers are so common. They're used as the garbage and waste disposal units of dungeons. High level wizards would capture such creatures and put them in the sewers to absorb the waste from banquets, the kitchens, and yes, their poops. So they'd either have pipes that lead from a privy chamber to the sewers, or have unseen servants or other various magical minions serve as butlers and maids to haul away the refuse.
He has a pet Othyug.
Sphere of annihilation riiiiiiight outside his anus, he just shits and it gets disintegrated and then pretidigitation instead of toilet paper. Is it safe? No. But he’s 1000 years old and THAT MEANS HE KNOWS BETTER THAN YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS
Mine has a barrel that’s an open portal to the Paraelemental Plane of Ooze. He just sets it up wherever his current lair Is and uses as a one stop drop for all his trash, faulty experiments, and waste Things sink pretty fast on the ooze plane, and only come back up every few thousand years. The locals probably don’t mind.
Bruh, modern toilet. It looks normal, everything is fine. If the players investigate enough of the toilet or ask him about it, they can discover it was a rival wizard they defeated 900 years ago on their 100th birthday
Also a big part of it being a toilet is appreciating the little/mundane things in life. What would be more novel to a wizard who has seen everything there is to see and lived so long than just normal crap? C "OKAY so maybe its a normal toilet, i still have my reg bms man"
Toilet that has a portal to a city he hates.
He created and swallowed a homunculus that eats his waste and gives off latent magical energy that he absorbs and uses
The same way he did as a child, but just with magic. Intimate activities tend to be hardwired. He probably has a garderobe, but the waste is teleported somewhere that amuses him.
Adult diapers then a Prestidigi-change-station.
RAW you don't shit
If he lived and your world is a another medieval clone, he most like had (and still had, even if he is a lich and doesnt use it) a series garderobes around the castle, if not chamber pots (perhaps tended/emptied by unseen servants). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garderobe Your ancient wizard would surely be smart enough to use the tried and true methods, maybe he even watched them evolve so, why waste magic energy on mundane drudgery?
Also, with no offense intended (tone gets lost on the screen so imagine I am smiling as I say) just a thought from a 40+ year Forever GM, dont make up magic excuses for issues that were solved by real world peasants; meaning, they pooped 'in ancient times' and they treated the sick and kept the roof from leaking; not everything has to be magic. A quick wiki will give you all sorts of amazing solutions to primitive sanitation, living, construction, etc; there is also a great book called Castles - A Fortified History of the World by Dan Jones that going into all the detail you need to make a fantasy castle grounded in reality.
Finger up butt; Prestidigitation clean, Prestidigitation warm, Prestidigitation popping candy sensation, Prestidigitation odor (vanilla, lemongrass, sandalwood)
Ring gates. No further questions.
In one campaign there was a magic toilet on a cruise ship. It sent poo to the Elemental Plane of Poo. ...aaaand players almost went in there...
I think he would have bred some small otyugh with soft appendages instead of spiky ones, and since they like garbage so much… he just kinda feeds it a couple times a day? Although what happens when the archmage goes missing. Do they tug at the adventurers pants once they show up? I dont know, depends how long the archmage has been gone for…
A chamber pot of holding should do nicely. This preserves the chance for 1000 years of perfectly preserved poop and piss to make a startlingly warm reentry to the material plane.
I like this idea because that gives the party a special item they can inflict on a future encounter lol. Everybody is panicking, the town square is ablaze as it fills with soldiers, then somebody announces: *"I empty the bag of holding!"* That would be a classic moment everyone would remember years later. A tsunami of caca and peepee surges across the battlefield! XD
I had a similar thing, I added a toilet with a wooden board with a lid. Opening the lid opened a Portable Hole which served a particular purpose.. If you're doing a bathroom, this is a good opportunity for some lesser-used magical items, like a Decanter of Endless Water. And don't forget the Library, decorated with at least a dozen Guardian Portraits for a really fun encounter.
He the wizard has any interest in biology and transmutation, you could say they’ve done some high level spell to ‘perfect’ their body, removing the majority of their waste processes. Maybe they do one incredibly dense bowel movement a year, that comes out looking like Nibbler’s poops in Futurama
At this point he has 100% developed the ability to just convert all food and drink into pure magic energy no waste matter involved anymore.
Awakened otyugh. He's freaky like that.
All internal organs have been replaced by other, better, wildly magical 'stuff'. Does not need to eat drink sleep breathe sweat or poop. But can choose to do any if and when he feels like it. So to answer your question; in literally any way he sees fit. Literally just vanishes the moment it leaves his body? Prestidigitation? Magical servant that deals with it? Turns into a sentient golem and cleans itself up? Straight up just a normal 21th century toilet? All of the above!
Send them to a random dimension where unbeknown to him they evolved and gained sentience