After about 9 months of sobriety - the longest I've had in my adult life - I tempted fate and tried some controlled drinking. A day or two in a row here, a day there. I had to be extra careful so as not to get kicked out of the sober living house that I currently reside in. It was absolute madness to attempt it in such an environment, but after I got away with it once, it was easy to do it more often.
I won't lie, the first couple nights felt good. But the euphoria gave way to the same old boredom pretty quickly. The amount I was drinking quickly ramped up to where I was certain I'd get caught, and I almost started believing that I wanted to get caught so I could get kicked out and drink more. I started feeling so dark and depressed, as bad as I've ever felt.
The last two days, I drank two shots in the afternoon and just felt disgusted with myself. Physically, mentally, ethically, I was just sad and angry and miserable. And I'm glad. I remembered all over again how pathetic that life is. I don't want to go back to that. So I'm back to sobriety, back to recovery, back to the real me.
I'm writing this down so I can go back to it the next time I feel tempted. I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced this, but it's actually the first time I've been able to reel myself back in before anything bad happened. I feel like that is at least somewhat indicative of progress. I can't share this in any of my local meetings because they're all attended by people I live with, but at least I can share it here. IWNDWYT.