My(23F) ex (25M) is going to be at an event where my friend (27M) is also going to be attending. My ex has said he will cause "problems" if he does and made threatening comments but we all essentially have to attend (Long)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/greengirlsyndrome

My(23F) ex (25M) is going to be at an event where my friend (27M) is also going to be attending. My ex has said he will cause "problems" if he does and made threatening comments but we all essentially have to attend.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Physical violence, alcohol abuse!<

Original Post June 18, 2015

Really sorry for this wall of text but I felt like I should give as much context as I can.

Basically I went out with my ex, let's call him Jay, for 7 months as we met through work. It was silly but I'm in a new city and I didn't know very many people. He was a charming guy and really seemed to be attracted to me so it was a great way to combat the loneliness of a new city. He earned a lot more than me and took me out quite a few times to some nice places so I really felt like he wanted something serious.

However about 2-3 months ago we had an incident that caused us to split. After spending the night at his and leaving a clutch bag, a gift my mother had got for me, I asked him to bring it to me at work as it meant a lot to me (It was quite expensive and I rarely get presents like that as we've always had to budget growing up).

He said it wouldn't be a problem, as he was going out with friends anyway and would be nearby, so he'll see me later. Later never happens and it turns out he got very drunk with said friends and lost my bag. I was pretty upset, very upset actually, and we had fairly big fight about it but by and large forgave him and sulked a little with my friends.

So onto my friend now. When I told my other friend this, Henry, he asked whether he had offered to buy me a new one. When I told him no, he made some sarcastic comments, but by and large just let me vent about it. I thought that was really the end of it all but come next week and while Jay is at my bar with a friend Henry shows up with a friend he's out for drinks with. I've been wanting to introduce Jay to Henry for quite some time now though as all the friends I've met so far in this city have been through Henry as he's very sociable, will talk to anyone, and is cocky in a charming/fun way.

This was the first time Henry had came to my bar at work btw and I really had to hound him to come see me so I was excited to introduce him to people. It was going quite well at first, he bought a round of drinks for my friends already hanging out there, and had a good chat. Thinking now would be a good time to introduce them I go to Jay and ask him if he wants to come meet my really good friend. He then comments in front of his friends that if he's to meet someone they can come to him. So I go to Henry and ask if he'll come over and he obliges.

So we have Henry who's about 5"9, average build, and average looking. Jay is 6'2 if not taller, quite handsome, and definitely a bulkier build as he's into his rugby and that sorta of thing.

The introduction goes OK, typical jokes are exchanged, and Jay makes a few comments towards Henry to which Henry deflects casually then mentions the bag. Jay looks at me with a look of 'Why did you tell someone about that?' and looks pretty annoyed and Henry goes onto make a comment of 'Well I'm sure if you can't get her one to replace it I'm sure she'd be just as happy as if you got an envelope and put some glitter on it'.

Jay seemed to take this as a jab as to whether he can afford one and I'm sure Henry meant it about the availability as it's a brand from back home not here but Jay got really mad over that comment and told him to 'Walk away if you know what's good for you'. Henry nonplussed asked him what he said and this time Jay said it a little louder, while patting him on the face, again. They stared at each other for a few moments before Henry simply turned and left.

Obviously I was really upset by this so I went with Henry to apologise and he said that he only backed down because he didn't want to cause problems in my bar. That however lasted about 3 seconds as soon as he got back to the table he said 'Fuck it' and then gave his friend his phone and wallet. He then walked straight back to Jay and stupidly said ' You know what? I've no idea what's good for me'. Jay went to pat him on the face again but Henry grabbed his hand and stepped into Jay so they're both squaring off at one another. Their friends step over and try to calm the situation down but they're both now committed to this stupidity. Jay is really angry now and Henry is just smirking away like it's all a big joke. So Jay tells him to head outside and Henry even holds the door open for him while making comments. The guy who works security for us doesn't really care as he's not paid to deal with fights that don't happen on the property so he's content just to let them have it out.

As soon as they stepped outside Henry made a flippant comment as they were walking away from the bar and Jay turned and swung for him. Henry then ducked under him, pulled Jay's legs out, then climbed on top of him and just started punching him in the face repeatedly. Like really angrily hitting him while Jay was unable to defend himself. Jay's friend tried to intervene and shoved Henry off Jay to which Jay then tried to grab Henry. Henry then flipped out, shouted at the guy who shoved him, then hit Jay again then pulled him by his hair/collar down some stairs onto the road and into traffic. Where he then once again just started punching Jay in the face til he stopped fighting back. His temper subsided and he left Jay in the road and walked back up to his friend, got his stuff back, and said that he was leaving. Jay then got back up and started screaming that he was going to kill him and all kinds of threats but ultimately went back into the bar.

Because of this we had a massive fallout when he said that I couldn't see Henry anymore and I told him that he caused that situation and that he's the one that wanted the fight because he thought he could intimidate Henry due to his size. While I was really concerned about how angry both of them were, as I'd never seen Henry so furious before, I told him that we were done and that it was all so stupid in the first place and that he got what he deserved. After messaging me nonstop, showing up randomly at work, he finally got the message after me ignoring him.

Fast forward to a month ago when Henry's work are looking to sponsor events and use venues and we have something preplanned with a few other companies so we ask if they'd be interested. It seems perfect for them so we make arrangements, order in what we need, and then it's not until the same day it's all finalised that I find out Jay is a consultant for one of the other companies attending.

So now I'm freaking out. I don't want to see a repeat of what happened before and I really don't want my bosses to see that all this is because of something that I was involved in as this is my first organised event and I've been told if I can show that I can run it they'll leave control of one of the bars to me as the old manager is leaving.

I gave Henry a heads up but it seems Jay had already found out through someone else who works here and told them that 'He'd deal with Henry later that night' and then made excuses that he got jumped when they first went outside as to why Henry got one over him.

So the money is all changed hands, they've advertised the event, and it's only a week away now and I'm freaking the fuck out about what I should or how I should handle it. I was thinking maybe getting more security and trying to keep them separated but they're grown men! They shouldn't need to be put in time out and as it's a work function neither of them would appreciate me talking to them in that kind of manner.

So help! Seriously! What do I do??

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TL;DR Friend beat up ex, ex wants revenge, both have to attend a work sponsored event and it could be round 2.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

GazzP

Sounds to me like Jay is all mouth and no trousers, he'll make some comment to Henry, maybe even challenge him, Henry will accept and Jay will back down because he doesn't want to get beaten down again.

Henry's probably in love with you too.

OOP

Henry's actually pursuing someone else and we originally met while I was hooking up with one of his friends so I don't think he's interested in me in that way as he's had ample opportunity really to show that and he hasn't. Which is pretty good really as I hate when someone springs that on you and he's not really my type.

I would rather they didn't fight at all and I'm wondering if I should bring it up with my boss though he knows a bit to an extent as the some of the guys who work with us showed the CCTV to people on the off shift.

It's just so fricking stupid.

[deleted]

Why are you still friends with your ex? He sounds awful

OOP

I'm not since the whole thing happened I haven't really spoken to him and ignored his calls/messages but he still comes to the bar as he's been coming there for ages and he takes clients there fairly often to drink.

~

blackberrycat

Omg so much drama. Make sure you have GOOD security at this event, and give them a heads up about the two guys. If they start ANYTHING, kick them out. If you can, I'd get some police or reserves to attend the event, if its big enough. You don't need to deal with either of these man-children in your life. Tell both of them straight up that this event is important to your career, and that you've told security that no violence or verbal threats will be tolerated.

OOP

I know it's stupid :/ I really like being in Henry's circle of friends and his friend though as they're all really nice people and this is the first time this has happened and I feel if this becomes an issue and if I wasn't on his side that he'll fall out with me. Well, not that I think he would cut me off for this but I get the feeling he woudn't be pleased that I didn't just jump to his side automatically.

I won't be able to get the police involved as it's a private function and not a massive thing but I should see if I'm allowed to get more security on from our sister bar as it's open bar and I can see Jay definitely thinking of ways to try and rile up Henry.

~

[deleted]

Hire security, provide a photo of Jay and explain he has been known to cause problems. Under no circumstances is he to enter the bar.

Hrs already proven to be an instigator. He's already given you reason to believe he wants to cause more problems.

I don't know what you even let him into your bar.

Buy Henry a drink, he deserves it.

OOP

I'd love to just bar him. He gets on with my boss as he's quote 'A top lad' and he drops about £2000 a month on tabs relating to work which is why I'm hesitant to mention this to him. Henry's scored browning points though with my co-workers though because he's brought a round of shots and whenever he buys himself a drink he'll buy whoever is serving him a drink too so there's this little divide in opinion between everyone. It's ALL everyone talked about on my shift last night.

EDIT: Thanks for the advice. I'm going to tell my boss and the security team that there's a grudge between them that may escalate to violence despite the fact they're both meant to be working! I'll update and let you know how that goes on Thursday.

Update July 1, 2015 (13 Days Later)

To sum up the previous post Henry and Jay got in a fight. Henry beat Jay. Jay has been VERY pissy about it and said outright he would cause a scene at an upcoming work related event. As all three of us would be their in a professional capacity I thought he'd behave but it turns out I was way wrong.

Sorry. It's quite long. But last time I was told I left out important details so I thought I'd expand.

This actually happened last Thursday but I've been rather upset about it so I didn't really have the energy to post about it til today.

So in preparation for the event I ended up telling my boss, who thinks that Jay is the most wonderful customer in the world, the full story about what happened last time they met. He was incredibly unsympathetic about the whole thing and pretty much put it down to 'Sometimes guys are just going to fight". I told him I wanted more security and he said he'd think about it but felt that it'd set the wrong tone at a high class event.

In the end we ended up with 6 security staff as opposed to 4 so I felt a little bit better. The staff were informed about what happened and we ended up reviewing the CCTV footage to see who the main instigator was etc and to take it seriously. However all the guys ended up talking about was how the fight when down, their 'professional opinion' on what each of them should have done, and it was almost like they were just chatting about UFC or something.

The bar owner said that anything that disrupts the atmosphere of the of event should be handled swiftly but with a lot of tact as these companies spend a LOT of money (I didn't actually realise how much they spent but it seems that Jay's company has more than just him turning up with 1-1 clients) so they should be treated with respect.

Come the actual night things are going OK. Henry and Jay have clocked one another and exchanged a stiff but formal greeting in front of others with handshakes purposely avoided. I ended up gravitating towards them when they were within each other's proximity but avoiding talking to Jay as I'm still upset with him and don't want to give him the impression I've forgiven him and while I've seen Henry since I was treating him cooly as I didn't want to set Jay off. He understood this and was perfectly fine with it so there wasn't any issues there.

I had told my team not to serve Jay or Henry that much but both of them were in 'Bro-pro' mode with a client each and had started getting a couple of shots in. The second occasion their trips to the bar coincided so they had a brief exchange as Jay decided to comment that Henry and his client should 'Man up' and get a 'real shot' if they were going to drink. The client saw this as a bit of banter and joked around but effectively that then meant they were in a prolonged conversation.

Jay ramped up his comments by ordering everyone a shot of tequila to be the big man and the clients were fully on board with the antics and obviously unaware of the tension. Soph on the bar grabbed a bottle of Jose Cuervo, which Jay had been drinking earlier, but Henry countered that by saying if we're going to do it let's do it properly and told her she should fetch a bottle of Qui.

Jay, for some stupid reason, then decided to say Jose was the superior tequila (Who the fuck cares, really?) but the two clients echoed Henry's comment to which he then quipped" There we go, I know what's good for me" which I know for a fact is a reference to how the fight started last time with Jay patting Henry on the face and telling him to "walk away if you know what's good for you".

Jay was visibly irked, ordered it and drink it regardless, then led his client off to talk about details of work. Henry then introduced the person who was with to a small group and then came back over to the bar to have a chat with Soph and a couple of others then got a shot for them and then told them for every round he bought put an extra one on for them but not to pour it so they could keep the difference as a tip. Obviously they already like Henry for the rounds he buys them when they're drinking after their shift so this just got the general mood up and to be honest I thought it was quite nice of him. I mean I know it's not his money it's his company's money but still.

Henry then goes out back with Soph for a quick smoke on the upstairs balcony and a chat and I then took her spot on the bar while she's on break. Jay clocks this but doesn't do anything and I'm then kept busy by serving/chatting people. When I glance about for him 10 minutes later I don't see him but I notice him coming back from the direction of the balcony looking visibly smug. I was a bit worried but checking on the CCTV I can see Soph and Henry just chatting so I didn't think anything was up. About 20 minutes later though Henry came in through the door and went back upstairs. I was about to tell off Soph because she was only meant to be gone 15 minutes tops while I covered a quick smoke break but then it turns out someone had put a chair through the balcony doors and jammed it shut so Henry had to lower himself off the balcony, drop to the ground, then come back in to unbar it which I'm surprised to be honest didn't ruin his suit.

Henry doesn't seem too bothered and he's fully aware of who did it as Jay is just grinning like an absolute tit at him and raises his drink in Henry's direction.

Henry seemed unconcerned and I told him not to say anything and he seemed quite happy not to. I left him for, honestly 5 minutes tops, and it's now my turn to see Henry looking oh so bloody pleased with himself. One of my staff goes over to Jay and hands him an envelope which I assumed was a message to wind up him up from Henry and it turns out I was right.

Jay tore into the letter in a rather pointed gesture, probably to show that he didn't give a shit what Henry wrote or said, but it was packed with glitter that just covered him. Everyone then turned to look at him as he swore and just laughed at it. I knew for a FACT that Soph must have let Henry into the bar cupboard to get the glitter but one of the security staff said he'd not seen anyone but staff go in there in the last 20 minutes and soph not being one of them.

So much for them keeping an eye on them.

Jay is trying really hard to keep his shit together and is now getting crap from his boss about 'accidents' and that maybe he should settle down on the shots. Jay, obviously embarrassed because he has glitter all over his suit, hair, and face comments about how 'Some people need to grow up' etc and complains that the bar should give him money for dry cleaning.

Henry immediately comments that it was him that sent the letter but didn't expect him to open it. That it was just a replacement for my bag that he lost and that he was meant to put the glitter on the envelope and not eat it. Childish comments were made back and forth culminating in Henry's boss saying he'll happily pay for the dry cleaning and it kinda fizzled out from there with them both going back to their circles and talking about work.

However as more people left nearer the end of the event the pair of them kept a close eye on one another. They kept going to the bar for drinks but Henry swapped his gin for just lemonade and Jay kept on drinking his whiskey coke.

As all the senior people are gone and it's now just people of Jay/Henry's team and assistants etc they're a bit more obvious about their distaste. Jay saying about some people making cheap shots and acting tough for it and Henry just shrugging and commenting about some people needing to pad their ego. These comments obviously are directed at one another and there's this bit of competitiveness now between these two companies with people on both side encouraging them to drink against one another as they think it's now all about drinking each other under the table.

So they do a few shots and Henry proposes the setup of the worst combination of a shot of tequila, whiskey, baileys, vodka, and rum all in a row. Jay then just to add to it says to make the last one absinthe.

I flat out say no but the owner overrrules me and says it'll be fun - they can do it on the house. Cheers all go round and everyone comes over to watch this stupid male pride clash go down. To which to be fair they both handle really quickly and without any serious wincing which all in all is rather anticlimactic.

Jay at this point was obviously tipsy but this pushed in very quickly into drunkenness and started chatting to the owner about what a 'Fucking knobhead' Henry is in earshot. Henry ignores it and wanders off and just chills out with a few of them there. I suggest maybe it's time for him to head home and he shrugs me off saying it's fine. Security hearing this think I want him out so make a move to come physically remove Henry to which he then snaps at them. I calm things down and Henry's now annoyed at me for causing the scene, in his opinion, where as I thought it wasn't that big a deal.

Jay now comes over to make jokes about Henry being too drunk to stick around and that he'll even get him a taxi back but Henry retorts that his mother once said "Never take a taxi back with a man who wears body glitter if you're not going to go all the way" and then makes jokes about how Jay isn't his type. Everyone's laughing now and Jay's obviously getting livid about the comment so outright tells Henry to go outside because no one is allowed to infer he's gay. Henry then jokes about how it's 2015 and Jay can be with any man he wants and not be ashamed with it and Jay makes a move towards Henry. Security step in between and tell Jay it's time to go. To which he actually does. While calling over Henry to step outside if he's a "real man" and to settle this once and for all. I tell Henry that if our friendship is important to him he'll listen to me and not go out there and will be bigger than that but he flat outright ignores me and says that "Some people just need sorting out".

So he goes outside and sees Jay by the side of the Alley and straight walks up and asks him if he's just wanting to hug it out and stuff just to wind up Jay. Jay just straight up starts swinging at Henry and punching at him and trying to do whatever he can to punch him in the face. Henry immediately stepped back just out of his reach and then started taunting him and occasionally stopping his punches with his hand. Jay then grabs Henry's arm and just ends up grabbing him by his body, picking him up, and throwing him back to the ground. Henry hit the ground really hard, like it really worried me that he would have broken something, but ends up rolling back to his feet and then just booting Jay in the chest really hard. I don't think Jay thought Henry was going to be back up, let alone so quickly, as he's not able to stop Henry from hitting him. Henry is just punching Jay in the face repeatedly and just stepping to different sides to hit him more if Jay puts his hands up to stop him. Henry's bleeding on his face now quite badly and Jay's starting to as well and Henry just really lays into him til he drops to the ground. Henry stops and just stands over him almost daring him to move as Jay is staring back at him on his hands and knees and just absolutely livid.

Security start wandering over and tell Henry to back away and that 'Shit's over. Go home' and as Henry is looking over to me and the security Jay hits him with something on his leg which makes him fall and Jay ends up on top of him trying to do what Henry did to him in the first fight. They get split up, they're both covered in blood now, and Jay has the fucking nerve as Henry is walking off to then scream over to him 'Got you that time, bitch!' to which Henry then turns and sprints past security and ducks under their arms as they try to (VERY LAZILY) block his path and he just upperhits Jay on the chin and you can hear a VERY audible crack and he just starts screaming.

Henry then just walks off and flags a black cab, gets told he can't get in with the state he's in, and ends up jumping on the bus with Soph who's now stupidly doting on him with wet wipes because he's bleeding even though he should have just walked away in the first place. Neither of them are listening to me even though I'm sophs supervisor and just ignore me outright. Jay's up and screaming and saying how he's going to take him to court and fuck his life up while holding his face. It's fairly clear that punch did some damage to his jaw as he's wincing a lot whenever he tries to speak. He then walks off and says he's going to A&E and that I'll hear from him but the worrying thing is I haven't. I've not heard from Henry much as he's being rather cool with responding to my texts and I've not tried to message Jay but I've not heard anything from him. My boss doesn't really care but I now think that maybe I should make a police report on what I saw or something as if it goes to court it might be best if I say something now as opposed to later and this is why really i've written this out in as concise a fashion as I can.

I don't know. I just really needed to vent it out though. Does anyone have any thoughts on what I should do? I'm still upset that Henry decided to fight him and outright ignored me.

Ugh.

TL;DR: Ex and friend had a follow up fistfight. Now the friend isn't talking to me and I don't know if I should make my own police report as I think the ex will take him to court. I'm not even sure I how I feel about all this.

EDIT: I get it you think I'm an attention drama seeking whore and that I shouldn't have stuck my nose in. I'm leaving the thread now as I'm getting PMd fairly nasty things and this wasn't why I posted this. People wanted an update, I gave one, and I'm sorry for being emotionally attached to people. No wonder people hate updating on here :/

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