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r/lgbt · u/MyraAdAstra1 sie 2026, 17:08

Discovering i'm poly/ relation anarchic in a 6y+ monogamous relationship

Hi ! So I'm in a monogamous couple with a girl since roughly 6 years. I've been thinking a lot about myself and how I see relationships and I think i'm really fitting in the relationship anarchy side of things.

I really deeply love everyone around me and I don't see one person higher or lower than another. If I could, for each person close to me, we could discuss and define what we want. I think each relation should be defined with the person individually, rather than relying on social norms or roles. So, I could be romantic, sexual, affectionate etc toward anyone, and being romantic/sexual/flirty with someone doesn't imply that I can't feel or do that for someone else or whatnot. I don't need labels either, I feel like i could do any of that with anyone, friends or gf. no title or hierarchy needed.

Currently, with my monogamous relationship, I am holding myself back. I wish I could be more close physically with people around me (simple things like hugs and stuff but also explore some new relationships) but I stop myself to respect the needs of the person I am in couple with and not hurt them.

I am in couple with this girl since 6 years cause it was basically my first relationship. Never had one before, never questioned myself about my needs and desires. I really like her deeply, but not any more or less than the people around me (and that doesn't mean I don't like her less than a monogamous description of love, but that I love really deeply everyone close to me). Simply put, it was the first time I had a romantic feeling for someone, so I decided to be in couple with her. Back then, I was really respecting social norms, society, monogamy etc.... but now my feelings and needs are evolving. Yet, I still choose to stay with her because my feelings are still here for her, even if she's monogamous. If I can add, I really am struggling with the idea of body exclusivity, especially in monogamous couples. I would really love to be closer physically to people in general (not necessarily having a sexytime but it's also something that might interest me in the future).

What can I do in my situation ? I've already discussed about romantic orientation with my gf (without mentioning it specifically, that was before I understood how my feelings work) and she seems really jealous and set on the monogamy thing. On the other hand, she has been able to change her views in the past, particularly during my transition four years ago, which she initially had a hard time accepting, even though she is a great source of support today.

Can I make my monogamous relationship work ? How could I meet my needs and manage the needs of my gf ?

Komentarze

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u/emmgemini11 sie 2026, 17:19
"I really like her deeply, but not any more or less than the people around me" ... after 6 years? No, you can't make it work. Please let her go
- u/MyraAdAstra11 sie 2026, 17:32
  Are you saying that my feelings should be stronger? I don't think I work that way. For everyone I’ve ever been romantically attracted to, my love wasn’t stronger than the love I feel for other people I care about but don’t feel romantically attracted to. My romantic attraction doesn’t come from the intensity of my feelings, but from a combination of things that create a synergy between me and the other person.
  - u/Sinslayer12111 sie 2026, 17:511 odpowiedź
- u/thesystem2111 sie 2026, 18:20
  That statement is actually close to a textbook definition of relationship anarchy, but without context it isnt particularly easy to understand. Relationship anarchy view "love" a bit differently, closer to the term "respect and trust" than a conventional understanding of "love". One of the biggest beliefs for RA is autonomy, meaning the other people are free to form relationships as they'd like and those relationships aren't compared to other relationships they have, and by relationship it doesnt necessarily refer to someone you are "in a relationship with" it means friends, acquaintances, lovers, parents, etc. each with their own agreement on what their relationship means. So the statement itself isn't meant to be read in the form of "I love her the same as anyone else" the way most people perceive it, but closer to "I respect and trust her the same way I respect and trust any other person I allow to be close to me." Because the anarchy part is related to hierarchy, getting rid of the notion that you have to choose your partner over your friends, or parents over your spouse, etc. It is about letting all relationships be their own mutual agreements. Now, that being said, RA is inherently a non monogamous/poly type relationship, so she has other issues, which I suspect is why she is posting this. The fact that she has mentioned this to her partner and the partner prefers to be monogamous, and believes that she could "change her view" in time is more concerning and a reason that I might lean towards recommending letting her partner go.
  - u/MyraAdAstra11 sie 2026, 18:561 odpowiedź
u/Eris_Exhausted11 sie 2026, 18:23
I don't normally speak on polyamory stuff, since I'm not poly; but if I knew my partner of 6 years didn't love me more or less than any other person, I'd be fucking gutted. That's just such a shitty thing to say about someone you've shared your life with for literally over half a decade. Talk to your girlfriend, not reddit. Give your partner of 6 years enough respect to tell her that you don't want to be monogamous, and acknowledge the fact that if she's not okay with that it's probably better for the both of you to end things.
u/WhiteWindmills11 sie 2026, 18:39

Can I make my monogamous relationship work ?

No.

How could I meet my needs and manage the needs of my gf ?

You can't.

You're not monogamous, she is. That's a fundamental incompatibility and the relationship is going to end sooner or later.

Komentarze

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