I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAUnlitSeashore
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My (28M) fiancée (30F) confessed to hooking up with another guy shortly before our wedding. I'm struggling. How can I move past this?
Original Post: July 18, 2026
I'm (28M) feeling super lost about my relationship with my fiancée (29F). I'd appreciate a fresh perspective.
We've been together for about 3 years now but have been friends for 5 years. We met in the same workplace friend group. She's my best friend and my partner in every way. Our relationship hasn't been without challenges, but we've been a solid team.
Last December, my fiancée asked if we could take a break so she could recalibrate. She said she was struggling with finding her purpose outside of our relationship.
I've never believed in the concept of breaks, but I wanted to support her. So I agreed, and we set boundaries. Essentially we wouldn't see other people.
The break wasn't long. By Christmas, it was already over. She said it was a mistake and she wanted us. And things were good. Our communication was stronger and like no time apart had ever occurred.
We were engaged by New Year's. My fiancée didn't wanna wait anymore. She wanted us to start our lives together in marriage.
This past week she's been anxious and blamed it on wedding jitters. Then the other day she sat me down and confessed to hooking up with some guy during the break. She met him on a dating app, and they had sex a couple of times.
She claims the guilt's been eating at her, and she opened up to her sister (31F) a month ago. Apparently her sister pushed her to come clean before the wedding. When my fiancée stalled, her sister warned she'd tell me herself if my fiancée didn't.
It was a lot to accept at once. I barely said a word. I was too numb, and I'm still wrapping my mind around everything. Like my fiancée has had a complicated connection with sex due to past experiences.
When we got together, she wanted us to practice celibacy, and that evolved into celibacy until marriage. She believed us waiting would cement our bond and elevate our relationship. We focused on other forms of intimacy.
The no sex stuff was never a dealbreaker for me. Sex wasn't the basis of my love for her, nor was it why I wanted to be with her. And she was well worth the wait in any capacity for me.
But I'm struggling now because I don't understand how she can turn around and give herself to some random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. How celibacy was so important to her, but she gave that away for him.
She swears the other guy meant nothing, and it was the biggest mistake of her life. That she ended the fling because I'm the one she's in love with and who she wants to be with. But idk, nothing she said really landed for me tbh.
I asked if she would have told me if it wasn't for her sister. She said she doesn't know. She promised to do anything to rebuild trust and repair our relationship no matter how long it takes.
She still wants us to proceed with the wedding. She said she believes in our love and how we can withstand anything. How this doesn't have to define us.
When I didn't engage, she just cried and kept asking me to say something. I told her I needed to clear my head. I don't like speaking when my emotions are all over the place. I tend to regret it. So I prefer to gather myself.
But my fiancée hasn't respected my request, and when I don't engage, she's hurt. And now she's also super affectionate. She's always been affectionate, but she's different with it now if that makes sense.
This doesn't feel like real life. I never expected this betrayal from her. We're supposed to be wedding planning and everything that comes with it. Our wedding is around the corner. We're having a modest gathering, so the planning wasn't that long.
I feel so numb to everything. I'm in love with her, and she's the woman I wanted to share a life with, but for the first time I'm questioning everything.
I don't even trust myself anymore tbh. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost.
How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?
TL;DR My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: If you guys agreed on not seeing other people during the break, then why was she on dating sites? Is she Bipolar? Sounds like maybe a manic episode. She made a careless decision with a stranger. I think you should move on. Unfortunately, whatever it was that caused her infidelity may creep back up if she doesn't figure it out.
OOP's only comment in this original post: The only reason she gave me about the dating app was it was a mistake. She won't elaborate further on it
Commenter 2: She’s not your friend, much less your best friend and she’s not wife material. She broke the boundaries y’all set right away and would have never told you if she wasn’t forced into it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she planned that break just to do what she did. Her excuses are complete BS. She made you wait for sex but gave it up to him right away, twice! And cheaters ALWAYS say, it meant nothing. Mark my words OP, if you marry this woman, hell, if you stay with this woman you WILL regret it. Be smart, end this relationship, walk away and never look back. Your fiancée is a POS.
Commenter 3: It’s over. If you marry her, 1) You’ll never be able to forget that she cheated , and 2) she’ll never be able to respect you because you took her back. She’s being extra nice because she wants to get married and not start from scratch to find someone else to marry. RUN.
Update: July 25, 2026 (one week later)
Update: My (28M) fiancée (30F) confessed to hooking up with another guy shortly before our wedding. I'm struggling. How can I move past this?
Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (28M) wasn't able to reply much, but I appreciated everything. I had no one to talk to about this whole situation, not even our friend group, because I've been embarrassed.
A lot's happened since my original post, so I wanted to provide an update.
After taking some time to myself, the numbness is wearing off. Every emotion has been hitting at once. Emptiness, sadness, anger. It's a rotation, and at first I was mad at myself, but now I realize I'm mad at my fiancée (29F).
I look at her now and I don't recognize the woman I fell in love with. The woman who was my closest friend for half a decade. She's a stranger.** **The woman I knew wouldn't do half the stuff she did. She used to be so disgusted with cheaters. She actually cut off an old friend over cheating.
Some have asked what my fiancée's complicated relationship with sex is. I won't get too much into it because it's personal details about her, but she's been badly shamed before, and she feels sex has messed up good things in her life at different times.
She never really respected my demand for time to sort my feelings. She kept pushing and trying to use affection. I did end up asking about her hooking up with that guy while we were celibate.
She claims celibacy for us was different because she wanted a pure relationship with me and for us to be our strongest and most connected before sex. The other hookup was more inconsequential.
I didn't ask her much about further details on the guy because tbh it doesn't change anything for me. I don't have it in me to be a detective and compare stories right now. The facts are the woman I dedicated my life to cheated and nuked our relationship.
I did ask her why, though. She claims that she was self-sabotaging. She felt insecure about our relationship and how she'd be as a wife, and she sought comfort through sex, but it only made her feel worse, and she realized she wanted me.
I'm still processing her reasoning tbh. Idk what else I could've done. I always reassured her and told her she's the one I wanted to be with. I'd list everything I loved about her. I never had doubt about her or our relationship.
There's a lot I'm still figuring out, but I know I can't go through with the wedding. The other day I sat her down and called it off.
I guess she thought I was preparing to reconcile, so she didn't take it well. She was really broken up. I've never seen her break down nor cry like that. And despite everything, it hurt to leave her while she was in that state.
She was just in bad shape and saying she didn't want to lose me, and it was the biggest mistake of her life. She'll never do it again. She asked for us to try therapy. She kept asking for me not to give up on us. I'm not in a place to engage in any reconciliation with her, nor do I have any trust in her.
She brought up how I promised I'd always be there for her but now I'm abandoning her like everyone else has and how we promised each other unconditional love.
I don't think her accusations are fair, and it did sting, tbh. I meant my promises and everything I ever told her, but I didn't just up and leave her. She cheated. She made a decision for the break, she made a decision to download the app, entertain the guy, and have sex with him. We're here because of her choices.
The unconditional love was a promise we made at the very start of our relationship. We've both dealt with not being accepted for ourselves or only having conditional love. I wanted to reassure her she never had to be anything except herself for me. That was the basis for the promise. That I accepted her wholly. It wasn't a card to pull for cheating.
Another thing that makes this all complicated is that we live together. I planned to stay with family for the time being, but she was refusing to let me leave.
Like she threw herself in front of the door and refused to move and then grabbed me when I tried moving around her. I had to call her sister (31F) to come get her and talk her down.
I've been processing these past few days. This doesn't feel like real life. She always boasted about us, and our relationship meant the world to me. I was never more sure of anything in my life than her. My mindset was already married to her.
She's been texting and sending voice notes asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile. I haven't replied. I'm not sure if I can move past this.
I've told our family and friend group about the cancellation and breakup. Making the rounds was embarrassing, and everyone has tons of questions. Somehow it hurts more upon each retelling.
Our friend group's been mostly understanding, but a few are advocating for me to talk things out with her. I'm not in the headspace to engage them either.
I feel like I lost the life we built and shared. How we went from engaged and the happiest we've ever been to this. How days ago we were just joking about her walking down the aisle with how clumsy she is to now be broken up.
I feel so lost, and idk where to go from here. I'm still coming to terms with everything.
Thank you to everyone who's shown support and empathy. I really appreciate it.
TL;DR Update: My fiancée's and my relationship went to hell shortly before our wedding after she confessed to sleeping with another guy a couple of times while we were on a break. She confided in her sister, who pushed her to tell me. We fought, and I told her I needed space. By my fiancée's request, we were practicing celibacy until marriage. Celibacy was important to her, but she gave herself to a random guy in a way she's never given herself to me. Ever since, she's been asking for me not to give up on us and has been super affectionate. Our wedding's around the corner, and now everything's gone wrong. I'm lost and questioning our entire relationship. I don't even trust myself anymore. I feel so stupid and like such a joke. I'm just lost. How do I move past this and navigate our relationship?
Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update
Top Comments
Commenter 1: If you stay with her you relive this pain every day and in every moment. I’ve been there and like you was foolishly holding on due to sunk cost fallacy. It gets worse every day minimizing yourself and the pain you feel. I stayed for a year after, and the relationship and the fights got worse and worse.
I know you’ll find happiness with someone else. Sending love.
Commenter 2: She’s so manipulative!! Saying you’re leaving like everyone else. What a freaking dirtbag. Please pack your important documents and things and store them away from her. Call her family and tell them she needs help and she needs to stop harassing you. She should be the one to leave.
Commenter 3: Sadly, my friend, you don’t move past it, you move forward by yourself. At some point in time of the future, you will forgive her, you’re going to have to in order to move on with your life. What you will never be able to do is forget about it and that’s what’s going to eat you off from the inside out every time you look at her. I’m so very sorry this has happened to you.
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Self-sabotage successful
More like lack of respect for their relationship. “I want us to practice celibacy so our bond is special but let me download Tinder real quick” You dodged a bullet man!
Same. I wonder if some subconscious part of her legitimately believed the relationship was doomed, so she decided to take control of the situation instead of leaving it to whatever fate planned. Her actions don't make any sense but they feel so purposeful. She knew what she was doing, just not the why.
That was going to be my comment. “Self-sabotage? Mission fucking accomplished!”
The dude was literally dating a lady Ross Gellar. Self-sabotaging hurtful bullshit and all. "We were ON a BREAK!!"
But they even agreed they wouldn't see other people during the break! It's not like the rules were unclear here.
and now the BREAK has an UP !
Not even Ross asked for a break to cheat. This woman just wanted to get laid, but it was against her celibacy rule so she created this mess.
She brought up how I promised I'd always be there for her but now I'm abandoning her
Oh please.
She brought up how I promised I'd always be there for her but now I'm abandoning her
Oh come on.
And she promised not to sleep with anyone while they were on a break. Peak emotional manipulation.
Rules for thee but not for me.
That was the worst part for me. Worse than the sex somehow.
Yeah I really don’t believe in unconditional love. There are conditions for everyone.
Bold move to bring up broken promises on his end...
She brought up how I promised I'd always be there for her but now I'm abandoning her like everyone else has and how we promised each other unconditional love.
Yeah, do it OOP, abandon her! She deserves it
Like the way she promised not to cheat? Hypocrisy is at 100%.. what a shitty woman.
Honestly this seems like redpill/manosphere bait
We’re being conditioned to distrust each other and to be anxious all the time
Nah, those types wouldn't admit to being virgins until marriage.
Yeah, some kind of bullshit
I've met a bunch of women who pushes celibacy to their boyfriends while being a nona virgin herself. I wouldn't be surprised if this story is true.
“she feels sex has messed up good things in her life at different times.” Whelp, add another one to the list.
It seems she's turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy again
OOP deserves his fate
Wut?
I'm glad the sister made sure OOP knew.
Funny how the sister was the better friend than OP's best friend...his ex-fiance.
A new knight in the order of Omar.
I have a hard time believing this is real, but if it is, this dude is the biggest pushover in recorded history. If the is true his girl is an awful person and he should never speak to her again.
This seems pretty generic and certainly in the realm of possible. When you love someone it can be difficult. Tons of people stay after cheating. He’d be far from the biggest pushover.
What about this seems unbelievable to you?
The audacity. Yeah, people make promises on what they know. When you throw a monkey wrench the size of Texas into what they know, it’s not surprising if they reneg on those promises.
I don't doubt she regretted it and feels awful and feels like a piece of shit and made the worst mistake of her life. I'm not one of those fuck cheaters I hope they die kind of people. But the thing is, a colossal fuck up is a colossal fuck up. He doesn't want to reconcile? Too fucking bad, you did what you did and now you gotta eat it. She'll remember that pain for the rest of her life. It's up to her what to do with it.
Cheating in a moment of weakness is one thing, not having sex with her boyfriend ever and immediately banging someone else is something all together different. She is a terrible and manipulative person who deserves to be alone or to have to settle one day. I have a story. I dated a girl for 4 years. Out of the blue she broke up with me. A few weeks later she called me crying and says she hooked with the guy who had been chasing her for years that I “shouldn’t worry about”. For reasons I fail to understand she informed me “we didn’t have sex though, just oral, and it was such a a mistake”. Mind you, she didn’t do that for me for about a year prior to our breakup. Literally the most bizarre conversation I’ve ever had with another human in the history of my life. As she was telling me this, she was also leading into wanting to get back together Hell no. The OP dodged a bullet as did I. Someday he’ll be glad she revealed her true colors, as was I, but such a situation is extremely confusing and disorienting when it’s occurring.
She didn't fail in a moment of weakness though. She asked for a break then downloaded Tinder. Those are two premeditated choices. A moment of weakness can happen, like drinking too much and having poor boundaries leading to a one night thing. Even then it's grounds for a break up.
Welp…hope she found what she was looking for
"Now you're leaving me just like everybody else." Bruh...
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
No such thing as unconditional love besides a parent for their child… even then.
not even parents and kids. love, trust and respect are still required in blood bonds, like in romantic relationships.
Unconditional love doesn’t really exist between anyone but parents and their children. I love my wife incredibly deeply and we’ve been together for 33 years and had two kids. But that love is inherently conditional. If she cheated on me or started physically abusing me, I’d leave. And vice versa. Those are conditions. A young couple making that promise, especially at the beginning of a relationship are being stupid and immature.
We've seen enough posts here to know that even parents have their limits--cheating is often involved (and usually the other kid's spouse).
I really hate when partners use "unconditional love" as a standard they hold themselves or their partners to.
not even between parents and kids. love, respect and trust are 3 conditions that are pillars of romantic as well as blood relations.
Unconditional love doesn’t always exist sometimes with parents and their children, sadly.
I can understand being upset that they were both committed to not having sex until marriage and she apparently threw that out the window. But......does he not understand what 'being on break' means? Like, you're not together. There's no in-between. Either you are dating exclusively, or you are not. She's not a cheater for this.
They specifically agreed on boundaries during the break, not seeing other people. She violated that, on top of the no sex until marriage. Even if you're right and it's technically not "cheating" it's the same betrayal.
So I agreed, and we set boundaries. Essentially we wouldn't see other people.
Except they did agree not to see other people while on the break. So, yes she is a cheater who broke the boundaries they BOTH set for the break.
Long term celibacy in a relationship where neither one has been celibate in the past is for weirdos, like Russell Wilson.
I mean I agree that one should get their shit sorted before marriage, but come on, not like this.
Who else thinks she never would have said anything if it weren’t for her sister? So glad he dumped her ass. What a weird thing to do while insisting on celibacy before the marriage.
also I doubt she tried to engage more with internet guy but he decided to go celibate after 2 dreadful encounters.
It would've come out eventually. The guilt was eating at her that one day it would've bled into the relationship/marriage. The good thing is it came out before the wedding, thank to the sister.
"Self-sabotage" is just a BS excuse to make themselves feel like the victim instead of their actual victims. "I didn't hurt you, I hurt myself". Anytime anyone ever uses the term "self-sabotage" they're gaslighting you. She loves and respects the other man more than her fiance who sees as a worthless chump. It's not that complicated.
Take sex/celibacy out of the equation: she agreed they wouldn't see other people during the break, then she broke the agreement and kept it hidden until her sister pushed her into it. The dishonest/deception would be a deal-breaker for me. I hope OOP finds his true person.
The Jauan Jennings of the dating world.
So in 3 years, she wouldn't have sex with him but in less than three weeks, she managed to have sex multiple times with a basic stranger. I wonder if she had been talking prior to the 'break' and the opportunity presented itself. He said that sex has ruined things in her life before. So, she has a pattern?
I suspect if she were more honest, she'd have said that promiscuity had ruined her life before...
I really don't understand friends who advocate for someone to get back together with a person who just cheated.
She asked for a break and you set conditions which she agreed to and now she's trying to guilt trip you into staying? That being said the sister clearly has more integrity than her. Maybe you should date her instead.
He has my body but you have my heart and mind ahh
celibacy for fiance, booty call for internet stranger..... but she still wuvs him.
Holy shit. What exactly was wrong with the wife? I kinda agree with a comment that inferred that she could be bipolar. I mean the behaviour is kinda all over the place so...
I read this probably last week. I was hoping that there was an update to this saga since it showed up here again
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She's definitely trickle truthing him and honestly, it'd be best talk to the sister without her present. You don't just download an app and get it on with a random stranger multiple times for a random 'break'. There's something else afoot with this. I'd also be eyeing the friends that want them to talk things out. Every time I've had a friend want things to be talked out, they knew about what was going on. Like full on group chat with all the friends wanting the talk with the line 'So how long have you all known she was cheating on me?' time.
now I'm abandoning her like everyone else
One of my exes said this to me after cheating on me. When I left, she punched a hole in her wall. And it still took me a few more months to fucking bail.
OOP really should consider therapy. It's never just the one manipulative thing they said or did. There's depth to that wound. And if you don't dig all that shit outta your psyche, it just festers in there, corroding your well being and sense of self.
Poor OOP. I really feel bad for the guy. I hope he finds someone who treats him the way he deserves to be treated.
The biggest red flag is her not allowing him time to process. This is a toxic relationship. She doesnt love him, she wants only the love he gives her.
I love the line that the guy meant nothing. That infers that OOP meant less than nothing.
Do you guys think the next chapter will be he does do therapy, is working to reconcile, and boom she’s pregnant with the other guys kid.
I’m glad OOP stayed on track and didn’t let ex-fiancée manipulate him into taking her back.
I feel like a lot of people will say something was “self-sabotage” but then seem surprised/upset when they aren’t offered reconciliation. That’s the sabotage part. The explosion of everything you held dear. It wasn’t an attempted murder of your future with your beloved…you succeeded.
Might be a me thing, but if someone cheated on me and told me it meant nothing and the person meant nothing, it would be so much worse. You hurt me this badly, broke my trust, ruined out relationship, over nothing?
The reverse Ross!
"but our unconditional love!" Goddamn, I hate that manipulative shit
Celibacy before marriage but the bangs some other dude. Oof. run dude