I'm pretty sure that college years are a big thing for many people to start developing their own identities... you're just getting started lil buddy.
I was diagnosed with autism a few months ago, when I was 17, im 18 now, an ADULT. I was aware that I had some symptoms but was convinced I was just reserved and shy.
I’ve been masking my whole life without realizing it, every single day I’m just imitating someone else. And until now I realize, there’s no one behind the masking, I don’t know who I am really. I just imitate, even when I’m alone, I don’t have an identity, I never had one, I just liked what others liked to fit in. I was socialized as neurotypical and forced to mask just to survive.
I spent all my school years just doing the same as my friends, acting the same as them, doing the same jokes as them. Now I don’t even have them, and I don’t know how I got them in the first place. My social life has been hell since I was a little kid, I had to do everything so my friends don’t leave me, eventually they did.
I’ve always struggled with conversations, I don’t know how to start them, to end them, or to keep them going. I don’t know how to make new friends, I didn’t even know how to keep the ones I had. I feel so fucking lonely.
Before I was diagnosed, I learned to put myself first, that I owed nothing to anyone, that has helped me a bit, made me bitter as well. It didn’t mean I stopped masking for everyone and even myself, since it’s the only thing I felt I NEEDED to do, but it made me less gullible. And I feel it could have also been the reason to why I was left friendless.
College days are coming, Im scared, and honestly? I don’t want to suffer this anymore.
I'm pretty sure that college years are a big thing for many people to start developing their own identities... you're just getting started lil buddy.
Legally you might be an adult, but almost no one feels like that at 18. I didn’t develop my identity until I was like 23. That’s when I STARTED to be able to actually talk to people. Do not beat yourself up too much about not knowing who you are when you are still a teenager. You are at the best position now to actually start discovering who you are and what you like. Try things out! Fail! Succeed! You can’t make up for what you think is already wasted. You can’t only make sure you won’t still think that way in 5 years.
Hello :) I also experienced a lot of this. I masked very heavily during school because otherwise I was “weird”. And sometimes it didn’t matter. Being 18 doesn’t really change much. You’ll grow into yourself as you get older, because it takes time to get to know yourself without simply trying to survive school. I’m almost 25 now and finally becoming truly comfortable with myself. You’re not doing anything wrong by being uncertain. Give yourself grace and time. Adulthood is a marathon, not a sprint. At 18 you’re still basically a kid, trust me. You’ve got this. You will grow into yourself.