I’m really confused and honestly heartbroken. I’m crying as I write this. 😞 I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I’m struggling to make sense of it. I’m 35F and he’s 41M. He has ADHD and, from what I’ve experienced, he seems quite avoidant, but I know I can’t know that for certain. We met 3 times in person. We kissed, held hands, cuddled, were physically affectionate, and got intimate (but we didn’t have sex). He kissed my forehead, opened up to me, and we had deep conversations. At the beginning, he was saying he wanted to pursue me, marry me one day, and that he knew he was going to like me. I actually told him to slow down because it felt like love bombing, and I questioned whether he was serious. He also told me I was exactly his type physically and that he liked me. Then, after seeing me three times, he suddenly said the “spark” wasn’t there. After all of that, he said he still wants to be friends. I’m really struggling to understand how someone can be so affectionate, talk about the future, say you’re their type, and then say there’s no spark. Was there ever a spark and he got scared? Can attraction disappear that quickly? Or is “there’s no spark” sometimes just an easier way of saying something else? I’m genuinely hurting and crying over this because I really believed what he was saying. 😞 I’d really appreciate honest opinions, especially from anyone who’s been through something similar, whether from my side or his.
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I mean, you pretty much gave us a textbook definition of an emotional avoidant.
He was lovebombing. Your instincts were right. I’m sorry, I know how that feels!
Yeah it was I kept telling him you’re love bombing me I haven’t dated anyone past four years and I’m not doing this .
It's crazy how someone can go from intense interest to distant so quickly
So I called him he said let’s talk, so why is he throwing something good away? And keeps saying it’s his past trauma he goes cold and unresponsive.
Not that you would…but whatever you do, don’t try to fix him. Telling you it’s his past trauma feels like unfair stonewalling (even if he has past trauma!) . He’s really trying to say, No means No. I’m sorry.
Oh gosh, please don’t beat yourself up, there are a million reasons he could’ve ended it. Maybe he’s a love Bomber. Maybe he’s hung up on an ex. Maybe someone else turned his head, maybe he decided he just wanted to keep playing the field. You can never know this. What I am hearing is that it progressed too quickly. Learn from it. Next!
I agree this is why I can’t go crazy thinking maybe this maybe that…… I can’t so I’m just learning to shift my thoughts and just be again .
Sounds like the spark was real for him during the chase, then the reality of three whole dates hit and his avoidant side panicked. You dodged a mess, even if it stings right now.
Thank you, I appreciate your perspective. It’s just really hard to process because it didn’t feel like he was pretending. He was affectionate, caring, opened up to me, and made me feel like he genuinely saw a future. That’s why the sudden change has hurt so much. Part of me wonders if he got overwhelmed when things started feeling real, but another part of me is trying to accept that maybe he just didn’t feel the connection he hoped for. Either way, it’s painful because I did start to develop feelings. 😞
He chased the rush of early romantic interest, not actual connection. When the initial high faded after 3 dates, he pulled back. Believe his action now and do not take his sudden shift personally.
I agree with that I kept reassuring him are you sure he said it’s genuine
yes, very much so. in fact i make sure she has multiples every time. it keeps them coming back again specially with FWB
I think you replied to the wrong post here friend :) But good for you :)
tbh it sounds like he was just caught up in the hyperfocus of a new crush and then reality hit. you definitely dodged a bullet if he was talking marriage after only three dates! hang in there
I’m just disappointed in my self because I allowed it believing his a grown man he would be actually really meaning it what he says.
Tbh if he was talking about marriage after only 3 dates he was probably just caught up in the moment. It sucks but you definitely dodged a bullet there, hang in there!
More than probably
It didn't feel like lovebombing, it was lovebombing. When you see that you leave them, because love bombing is lies to manipulate you, you don't just stay there with them and tell them that it feels like manipulation and to please not to do that. You were susceptible to it because it fed your ego and you wanted to believe. All you can do is to take some time to heal and make sure you do not repeat this mistake again or you will absolutely get the same result as you did here.
Absolutely I agree I will take time to heal and be me! Thank you
Maybe he just wanted sex quick and early by the means of love bombing but when you didn't give it to him he gave up on pursuing you?
Love bombing, seeing someone else at the same time and has decided to pursure them. He wants to keep you as a friend so he can come back should it not work out with the other person or others. Or as someone said, he maybe just wanted to sleep with you and didnt get what he wanted and doesnt want to show signs of committing.
Here’s the deal. You got to enjoy a nice few dates. AND you dodged being used for sex real quick. You won! So many bad actors out there.
Unless you wish you had sex with him, upon reflection? I have NEVER looked back and regretted NOT having sex with an asshpole.
Du kannst das ganze vielleicht besser verstehen, wenn du auf deinen Anteil an der Dynamik zwischen euch beiden blickst, statt auf seinen. Menschen erschaffen in Beziehungen oftmals die gleichen Konflikte die sie in ihrem eigenen Elternhaus als Kind miterlebt haben.
Am Anfang sagte er, er wolle mich umwerben, mich eines Tages heiraten und dass er wüsste, dass er mich mögen würde.
Er hat dich idealisiert. Vielleicht wollte er dass das zwischen euch funktioniert. Deswegen hat er vielleicht deine Wünsche gespiegelt und dir das erzählt was du hören wolltest. Menschen machen das unbewusst um den Wünschen von anderen Menschen zu entsprechen. Sie versprechen dir dein Glück, weil sie selbst auf der Suche nach ihrem eigenen Glück sind. Er wollte quasi ausprobieren ob dein Wunsch auch sein Wunschbsein könnte. Er wollte dein Traumprinz sein, weil du einen Traumprinz suchst, also ist er in die Rolle geschlüpft um zu schauen ob er sich damit wohl fühlt. Dass das ganze nur eine Illusion war wurde nach dem 3. Date klar. So eine Rolle kann man nicht aufrecht erhalten, wenn der emotionale Unterbau fehlt. Wenn man nur schauspielt, aber nichts fühlt, dann kostet das zuviel Energie und fühlt sich nur falsch an.
Er hat mich auf die Stirn geküsst
An diesem Punkt möchte ich nochmal zurückkommen daraus, dass Menschen in Beziehungen oftmals die gleichen Konflikte erschaffen die sie in ihrem eigenen Elternhaus als Kind miterlebt haben. Frauen suchen sich unterbewusst oftmals Männer die ihrem eigenen Vater ähneln. Wenn die Beziehung zum Vater nicht das war, was sich diese Frauen gewünscht hätten, dann verarbeiten sie das oft durch den Partner. Dieses auf die Stirn küssen hat etwas väterliches. Es symbolisiert weniger eine romantische Liebe, sondern eher eine schützende Fürsorge. Ein Gefühl von "du bist hier sicher", eine Obhut.
Vielleicht trägst du da ein Thema in dir, das du noch nicht ganz verarbeitet hast. Dieses Thema führt vielleicht dazu, dass du dir einen Partner wünschst der dich so akzeptiert wie du bist, für den du gut genug bist. Vielleicht hat dein Vater dir dieses Gefühl nicht stabil genug vermittelt, deswegen sehnst du dich immer noch nach seiner Fürsorge und wünschst dir das von deinem Partner.
Ich denke du und dein Date gleicht euch in etwas. Ihr beide geht von der Annahme aus, dass euch selbst etwas fehlt was nur durch einen anderen Menschen erfüllt werden kann. Ihr selbst seit also unvollständig in euch selbst. Das ist jedoch eine Fehlannahme. Ihr beide tragt bereits alles in euch was ihr braucht um ein vollständiges Wesen zu sein. Einen Partner zu finden ist die Kirsche obendrauf auf der Torte, trotzdem seid ihr bereits in euch vollständig.
Dein Date suchte eine Frau bei dem er sich lebendig fühlen kann. Er sucht unterbewusst nach Verbindung zu seinem weichen emotionalen Kern. Du suchst jemand bei dem du dich sicher fühlen kannst. Du suchst unterbewusst nach Verbindung zu deiner eigenen Fähigkeit dir selbst emotional Halt geben zu können.
Er fühlt nichts und du fühlst zuviel. Wichtig ist der Wechsel der Perspektive von der Aussensicht in die Innensicht. Kein Mensch im Aussen kann dir das bieten was du im Innen suchst. Deshalb sollte sich dein Date vertraut machen wie man die eigene Gefühle zulässt und du wie man sie reguliert. Dann müssen wir nicht mehr zu Traumprinzen werden oder sie suchen. Dann finden wir unseren Selbstwert in uns, statt ihn in einem anderen Menschen zu ersehnen. Wir sind bereits gut genug, jetzt in diesem Moment. Wir müssen es nur noch erkennen.
*To be honest, I’m looking for genuine love and a real connection*