(Sorry for the broken english, it isn't my first language
And sorry for the long, long vent)
I feel so guilty. So so much.
I'm sex repulsed and I always thought porn was wrong. I know it isn't for some people, but it was for me. I didn't want to see it or to support it in any way for the problems around it (Non ethical recording environments, some stuff it promotes, as objectification of the body, even more the female body).
But I started to doubt so much, till the point I didn't see the line between I should and I want to.
I wanted to check if I didn't like it and watched some. It was just some minutes and I was covering the screen sometimes and forcing me not to cover it some others, but I can't see myself the same way now.
I don't understand how I ended up doing something I hated so much or why. I knew I would hate it. I did it knowing I'll hate it. It was against everything I supported, but in that moment of anguish I kinda disconnected from myself and just wanted to check.
I can't understand me. And I feel like I can't forgive me.
For more context, I used to be in a relationship with a boy that was very into porn. He was being so mean with me (called me ugly many times, told me he was getting bored of me every day for the last 6 months of the relationship, told me that he would love to f*ck with other people while we were together, always hid me, told me that maybe he would "r*pe me without wanting to, because he wasn't sure about being able to control himself", and a large list of things like that)
He made me doubt about everything. He made me doubt about my value as a person. He made me move every of my boundaries to a very convenient place for him. I ended up accepting to do things I didn't want and he made me feel like all the things I liked (cuddling, spending quality time, emotional support, etc) was just something boring and undesirable.
And between all those things the only thing I felt so disgusted about and the reason why I ended up breaking my relationship with him was because he watched a lot of porn.
Now I feel like a hypocrite.
I kinda feel like all this self destructive behaviour I'm having now, doing things I don't want (as watching porn) to myself, and that constant questioning of myself probably comes from that relationship. But even so, I can't forgive myself.
Now it isn't just "I have done something very bad to myself", it's a "I have supported something very bad with doing something bad to me", and there is no corrective action that can changes that.
Just in the moment I was trying to get better and overcome all that came with that relationship I kinda became the thing I hated the most.
Now, If I date someone ever again, how would I ask for someone that doesn't support and watch porn having done this? :'(
I never wanted to be this. And I feel like I can't talk about this with non-ace people because, for them, his behaviour was always "the common thing".
Also, if I told them about this, they would tell me that I did it because I wanted to. But I don't really feel like that. Maybe it's stupid because I was the one that searched for it, the one clicking it, the one that spent some minutes there but I didn't want to and I'd love not having to.
I know I'm still ace (I didn't feel anything beyond pity for the people in there and fear) but I don't know who I am as a person now that I have crossed one of my biggest boundaries.
I don't know if this happened to any other person, it would be good to know that I'm not the only person that went through this.