I was in a similar car-centric college town and didn’t even try to make friends. Got out of there as soon as I finished PhD in 3.5 years. Didn’t want to spend another minute longer there.
3 and a half years with no friends??
TL;DR: Love my PhD program and fellowship pay, but absolutely despise the sprawling, relatively unsafe city I had to move to. Terrified I am wasting my 20s here and can't figure out how to build a personal life when I am already planning my exit strategy.
I started my PhD this summer, and while the program itself is amazing, moving to this car-centric city is turning out to be a massive mistake. The transition has been pretty miserable. I came from a major, vibrant city that was a total exception to standard US urban sprawl (it was walkable, full of energy, and so accessible). Moving here has been a massive culture shock. There is zero city feel, minimal diversity, and it is basically endless suburbia where everyone drives everywhere and completely avoids downtown. To make matters worse, the area directly around campus feels sketchy and unsafe, so I can't even comfortably walk around (I know it is very common but still bothersome). My old city had its unsafe areas too. Matter of fact most people would say it is much kore unsafe. Sure, but the fun, culture, and walkability totally balanced it out. Throw in some recent personal drama tied to this new city I just moved to, and I am just feeling completely overwhelmed.
I already know I want to move to the West Coast or head back to my old city or to any other major city the second I defend. But that exit strategy is messing with my head. I do not want to rush through my grad program and I know it will be really hard to do so and mostly unrealistic. But I feel like my personal life is going to be on pause for the next five years, and I am terrified I am wasting my 20s in the wrong place. How are you even supposed to date or build meaningful relationships when you’re already hoping to leave once you are done?
The frustrating part is that academically and financially, I hit the jackpot. The research opportunities are amazing, and the department awarded me a extra fellowship, so my pay is exceptionally competitive for a grad student. I am renting a pretty big, affordable house all to myself, which is a level of comfort I couldn't dream of on a West Coast stipend without three roommates or in my city.
At the end of the day, I only ended up here because I panicked during applications. I let my self-doubt win, didn't believe I was good enough for "top-tier" schools (which my rec letter writers literally called me out on at the time), and was terrified of the coastal cost of living. So now I am stuck in this weird headspace: I have an incredible setup for my career and financial comfort, but I feel like I panicked, settled, and signed away five years of my life to a city I can't stand.
Has anyone else been in a similar spot? How do you cope with hating your location while loving your program, and how do you approach dating/socializing when you know your time there has an expiration date?
I was in a similar car-centric college town and didn’t even try to make friends. Got out of there as soon as I finished PhD in 3.5 years. Didn’t want to spend another minute longer there.
3 and a half years with no friends??
Going into my fifth year in a situation similar to yours. Love my research and my program, can’t wait to leave this hellscape state. I didn’t even consider any kind of dating, if it happened organically then okay but it didn’t. As far as social life goes, I wound up finding a new hobby I enjoy and threw myself into that community. Even if the friendships don’t last after I graduate, I’m still all the richer for the time spent with them and the time enjoying my hobby.
Curious. What’s the hobby?
You're smart so you know meaningful relationships are about people, not places. I still keep in touch with folks from grad school. Don't overthink it. Just be a human and touch grass sometimes (ie. Remember you have a life outside your PhD program).
Make friends with fellow grad students, they're all on the same time scale as you but you will be able to keep in touch and the network is good to have.
Exactly what I said too!
First, breathe through this and have patience. Try to let yourself be surprised by the people around you. Once you start making friends, you can see what they all do around the city for fun. You’ll likely be surprised by the new ways they make it work. It may never be what you loved about your prior home, but see how others make it work. It will take time though, so focus on the things you do enjoy, like the program. Find ways to explore your new home so you feel like you’re discovering. Those always help me when I’m in a place that feels alien.
Look to the other students in your program or any other graduate/professional students outside your department. There will surely be many other people in the same boat as you that are also looking to build a social network to make their time in grad school more enjoyable.
I met several people in my grad program who were in the area only for school. They were not from the area, and they had no plans of staying in the area after graduation. To me school, is such a closed off environment. You could make your entire life be about your program and have no connection to the city outside of your campus.
Make friends now, enjoy your life now, and don’t worry about the future. Doctorate programs are long and everyone moves around as you get older. By the time you’re middle aged like me, your friends will be everywhere and it’s normal and fine. Urban sprawl sucks but look for the good parts. There will still be some.
So some far reaching advice, but may be helpful here. It isn’t unusual to churn friends in adulthood. Not in a you hate each other and never talk again way. More in a life happens and people move or shift to a different season in life. So your buddy today might be living across the country in five years. Your other buddy might have kids and all of a sudden their lifestyle doesn’t jive with yours. Enjoy where you are (to the extent you can) while being mindful of what your next move will be.
Thank you!
Let me guess. Houston? 😂
lol no. I’m in the Midwest
I mean there's a significant chunk of your cohort won't end up staying in that city or state anyways. Just make friends and be friendly. Even if you stayed there forever, a bunch of them wouldn't have.
It's just that most people in my program are from the area or neighboring states, so they already have their old friends and family that they're sticking with :(
Our time everywhere has an expiration date. That's no reason not to enjoy it while you can. Meaningful is not the same as permanent.
Bro I'm literally in the same exact situation. Moved from major city to a college town and my friend circle has shrunk due to some bullshit drama. Also feeling miserable and isolated. I'm trying to make peace with the fact that the social opportunities in my town are limited and it's not a me thing. Also I guarantee you that you are not alone. I have some friends that are in similar situations. What helps me is to have friends that that are around my age and outside the university and also a hobby where you interact with people. Hang in there champ and keep your head up, you got this.
As a fellow graduate student who has lived in places in I didn’t like, other grad students are in the same boat. Make friends with other grad students! We all move away, I now I have friends in Alaska, Europe, Asia, etc. and I’m in Canada (from the U.S.)!