My girlfriend has AuDHD and so do I. So... yes.
Hello everyone.
It doesn't matter if you're lesbian or not, I'd like everyone to feel free to share their honest opinions.
I'm wondering if you would be in a relationship with someone who has high-functioning autism, ADHD, or both. These are neurodevelopmental disorders, which means they're not something that can be "cured," but rather innate characteristics that will always be present to some degree, regardless of therapy or self-improvement.
Why am I asking this?
You may have read my previous posts about an ex-girlfriend who hadn't come out to her parents and was struggling with her religious beliefs. In addition to everything that was going on in our relationship, she also wrote about me on this subreddit for a while.
In one post, she described my "tantrum", that is, the moment when I reacted violently after losing the keys to the apartment. What she didn't mention is that I used to carry my keys attached to my jeans with a carabiner precisely because I know that because of ADHD I lose small things more easily. She insisted that I take it off because, as she said, it looked ugly and repulsive to her. After that I lost the keys.
I later apologized for my reaction and took responsibility. However, I think it was wrong that she took our private problem to the internet, especially since I have never shared any of our conflicts publicly.
Of course, I am not saying this to justify myself or other neurodivergent people.
But I really believe that many of us are extremely intelligent and often very talented in the fields that interest us. With a little understanding, patience, and good communication, we can be fully functional, trustworthy, and have healthy relationships with people who are not neurodivergent.
Of course, an important part of that is personal responsibility. I believe that everyone should work on themselves, whether through psychotherapy, developing healthier behavior patterns, or other forms of support. I, for example, do that.
At the same time, I can also understand people who have a hard time understanding how people like us function. Just as they sometimes don't understand our experiences, we can't always fully understand theirs. That's why I think mutual understanding, open communication, and a willingness to listen to each other are much more important than the diagnoses themselves.
All of this leaves me with one question.
Would you be in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, high-functioning autism, or both? Is that an obstacle for you or not?
I remember her posting that she wanted to change me and that she thought my behavior could be “cured.” It made me wonder if people really view neurodivergent people that way.
I’m genuinely curious about your thoughts. Do you think people like me have an equal place in the dating world or do you think that these kinds of things would be too much of a challenge for you?
My girlfriend has AuDHD and so do I. So... yes.
Definitely would. I'm autistic with ADHD too.
I have AuDHD. And I think, we‘re the best with someone who has the patience and understanding or someone who is als neurodivergent. If someone doesn’t understand it, or tries to "cure" it, then it ain‘t it. (Been there)
I’m also AuDHD with a few other things I don’t think I could ever date a neurotypical 😭
Even the best interactions I’ve had I’ve still had to treat them like they’re children while explaining that no I can’t just do the thing it takes effort
I am AuDHD too. Been married for a long time. Absolutely need a partner who is understanding and accepting of your special needs. Whether it's a need for predictable schedules or bad days when you have a flare up, a partner needs to be OK with it all. But this applies to anyone with any kind of special need, mental or physical. A partner who doesn't respect you for your good and your bad days isn't a partner who will stick around for the long haul.
I have autism and maybe ADHD. My wife has ADHD and very likely autism. So yes, both of us would.
I actually prefer my girls on the spectrum
Considering I have both, sure so long as we are compatible with each other.
My wife has ADHD, as long as a partner’s particular tism doesn’t clash with mine, I’d kinda prefer it. Currently talking to an NT girl and it’s a little weird.
Yes I would, the woman I have a crush one has also both.
YES.We would be autistic together, and def would have orange cat babies. Jokes aside,ofc i will, especiely when im also one:)
I would have no issue dating someone with ADHD and/or autism. I would not, however, date someone who reacts violently to losing something. Ever. That is not the result of autism or ADHD, that is the result of your own choices. I do not date violent partners. That isn't expecting a "cure," that's expecting you to be an adult and taking responsibility for changing problematic behaviors.
English is not my first language, I didn’t want to go for violent, more ,,drastic” of a reaction, I’m not violent
My wife has both! And now that she has diagnoses and can understand herself better, she's able to unmask and be more authentically herself. Existence can be much less exhausting when you actually understand how you function! Obviously some things aren't like other people (she gives me an exact list of birthday presents to purchase because she doesn't want to be surprised), but she is loving and protective and wonderful in her own way and I wouldn't change a thing.
I'm married to a wonderful woman who absolutely has AuDHD. I adore her. Sometimes the way she thinks baffles me to frustration, but every time that we both cool our heads and talk about the problem it works out.
I have ADHD and yeah I would. You will have to put in the work being that you have ADHD, but if you are working actively to do that. I don't think it will stop you from finding someone. I think mostly when people cringe its from those who use it as a crutch and excuse for being a bad partner.
im not autistic but everyone i get along with and all my friends are either autistic/adhd so yes, i wouldnt mind :)
If we vibe, then we vibe, don't care whether they have ADHD or autism
I'm audhd myself, so yeah, i even prefer it
i dont technically have autism or adhd, just severe anxiety, though my therapist has told me i have some traits for both, just not enough to be diagnosed as either. i am neurodivergent, but not in the way you are, but i do think i could have a healthy relationship with someone with autism/adhd/both. i think it all comes down to willingness to understand. you expressed to your ex that your carabiner helped you with a problem you had, and she was unwilling to understand you, which ultimately led to a break up. being neurodivergent is tough, but we all make it work. if somebody just doesnt want to understand your perspective and respect how you do things to fit your needs, theyre not a suitable partner. TLDR: your partner needs to WANT to understand you in order to understand you. if they dont, theyre not meant for you.
Yes, my girlfriend actually has severe ADHD. It does make some things difficult sometimes and I do sometimes get frustrated with how easily she forgets things and how easily distracted she is, but I know it's not her fault and I love her. I myself have mild ADHD and doctors and therapists have told me that I have several symptoms of autism, but apparently I don't actually have autism. I've also noticed that almost everyone I've been with or have had a crush on happens to have ADHD, so I guess I'm actually more attracted to people with ADHD lol
my wife has adhd
Uhhh yea, like I seek them out because I have audhd So having one is easier for me to explain things. Then ontop of it I have a super bendy joint issue that comes with lots of gi issues so being able to understand how pain plays into me and my personality and needs is important
Definitely would
Honestly depends on the person. I have great friends who have both or either Adhd or autism and I've met plenty of acquaintances with the same diagnosis. I have two very good friends who I love dearly and I am able to communicate and be with them (gone on vacations and such) perfectly. The one girl I dated who I think in hindsight had both was also a good albeit manipulative communicator. Opposite of those overall good experience I know a girl who had AuDhD and we are acquaintances but she irks me in her communication style. Everything she does is so literal and it never feels like she's meeting me halfway. Having a conversation with her over time feels draining, frustrating and the way she phrases things feel often very rude or short. It's very annoying to have misunderstandings with her because the burden of explanation always lays with me. She's someone I wouldn't have a relationship with because I don't get her like I do my friends with autism or adhd. I'll say I'm not neurodivergent and I don't base my choices of relationships on whether someone is or isn't. It's about how they take responsibility about their own diagnosis and how functional they are not just as individuals but as partners.
Yes I'd be a hypocrite if not and/but I'd want someone to be actively and continuously trying to manage executive function stuff and not just saying I'm bad at it so oh well either you have to do it for me or my life will fall apart. I don't think this is like a common mindset I've just had a bad experience
My wife is ADHD and our gf is autistic so yea. Tbh I get along alot better with neodivergant people and have a better natural chemistry with them.
I am looking to get an official diagnosis next year, but when i had my daughter tested for Autism, her doctor suggested that I look into testing for myself. I had suspected I'm somewhere on the ADHD/Autism spectrum for a long while and that kind of gave me the motivation to seek a diagnosis. Anyway, yeah, I would. I think I'd rather date someone that's neurodivergent than date someone that's neurotypical and might not "get it".
Oh hell yea. My autistic ass is pretty biased though because I'm about to marry my ADHD fiance, but still a big yes. It's a lot of what you said in this post, personal therapy care plus heavy communication and really trying to understand the other person. A big thing that helps us is figuring out multiple ways for each other to ask for help or space while pushing for a doctor's advice/intervention if need be. Therapy, meds, coping skills, they're all basically tools to help yourself. Just extends once you're more regulated and helps ease relationships too.
I am exclusively ND4ND as I just clash with most neurotypical people. But yeah, it makes it more difficult
I vibe very well with ADHD, and have an ex who has pretty severe ADHD. I just had to help her focus from time to time, no big deal. Autism can be hit or miss for me. I have a lot of autistic friends, but I've never dated any of them. I am not a literal person, I often say the truth tends to be more than one thing, and I love sarcasm. I can tone that down or explain myself for autistic people, but it takes effort that I wouldn't want to exert every day in a relationship. It's not their fault, we just aren't likely to be compatible. Find someone you are compatible with.
I'm diagnosed with autism and some traces of ADHD as well. My girlfriend is as well, but she's got way mekre ADHD traits and the "fluffy" kind of autism. That said, reacting violently to anything is not a part of this, or rather it's something you need to learn how to control. Violent outbursts are not cute, they ain't a personality trait, they are a sign of not being able to control your emotions which to me is a sign of emotional immaturity. Also (even though it's not a part of the question) I wouldn't be even remotely interested in someone deeply religious and who's not out to their close ones, if they plan to come out in near future that's fine, but the religious part means fundamental issues in our worldview.
My wife has ADHD and I love her endlessly
yes, I have it so it makes things much easier
I have ADHD and I could be with someone who is autistic or has ADHD as long as they aren't low functioning. I am not rich enough to financially take care of someone who can't help bring in a consistent household income. I don't expect a perfectly maintained house all the time (because I too sometimes get behind on house stuff) but I need someone who does help out around the house or takes part in their share of the housework. I am also medicated which helps take care of my ADHD. I would need for a potential partner to also be in treatment so we could live our best lives.
In a broad sense I could but this depends on the individual needs of a woman One of my brothers is autistic and I find him emotionally exhausting to be around since he doesn't stop talking, and it's hard to find time to rest if he is visiting (I will admit he has no social filter though, and not every autistic person will be as bad as he is) So depending own the needs, I should be able to - but I would struggle depending on the needs due to what my own are (since I do need alone time sometimes)
I have ADHD. I would not date someone else with ADHD lol. I am forgetful enough for the both of us. My wife is most definitely autistic though and that has never bothered me. Just don’t know that I could handle double adhd in my life.
I'm exclusively ND 4 ND in my relationships. I don't think I could thrive in a relationship with a neurotypical person and I certainly don't think they'd thrive with me. It's not even a thing I have to put conscious effort into--i just end up with other ND people.
well. i AM a girl with adhd and autism. soooo… that said, i will NEVER date someone neurotypical again.
I literally am right now, so... yeah? Best relationship I've had lol.
Both of my exs were AuDHD, one diagnosed and in complete denial and the other undiagnosed but suspected. I have worked with and also have family members who have autism so would consider myself quite understanding of the complexities and needs of autism, and would say I was generally a patient person. I would say that the strain it put on our relationships stemmed from immaturity and a lack of taking responsibility for their own behaviour and how it affected me at times. Essentially, just being too childish to not get their shit together or at least attempt to understand what their struggles were and how to work through them. Do not be disheartened though, their autism and ADHD was never the issue but how they handled it, I wouldn’t be put off my someone autistic but will avoid the unresolved, immature ones like the plague 😂 one of my very good friends is in the top 7% of people with ADHD in the uk and has the sweetest most loving partner and they will probably be together forever. Everyone has there person which includes you too 💖
As an autistic person I tend to prefer people who are more ADHD, balances everything out a bit
Just for me personally, it's no more a challenge than someone who smokes weed. I don't like it, but not because it's drugs. It's because the smell REALLY bothers me. I wouldn't ask them to stop smoking, but I would ask that they make some acommodation for me. If they're willing to do that, I ask them what I can do to make that easier for them. That's how a relationship is supposed to work. There's some give and take with adapting to a new person sharing your life, but you definitely don't go into it with the intention of CURING someone. You honestly deserve better than this. You're not 'lesser' because you have ADHD. Don't let people treating you like crap convince you there's not a place for you in the dating world.
Depends how much peace I would have to sacrifice
What kind of asshole lesbian doesn't like carabiniers?? I am near-50 and was just diagnosed a couple years ago. Pretty sure my wife is, too, or maybe some other ND flavor. We were very sympathetic from the get-go. I've read lots of of stories of partnerships with ADHD people (I like r/adhdwomen), and there seems to be almost as many partnered with one another as there are partnered with loving, understanding, critical thinking NTs. Keep loving yourself, taking out the trash, and don't lose hope 💖
My favorite ex has ADHD, so yeah, absolutely
Not all neurodivergent people are abusive. All abusive people are neurodivergent.
Do we know if you're abusive? No. But I know that the two topics mentioned aren't exclusively related.
It seems to me that you know she's going to see this post and hope and hope that the commentors will side with you on the basis that ADHD and "high functioning" autism made you do it. And that she made you do it by not respecting your accomodations.
Just to get that out of the way...
My partner and I used to be Raw-Doggers until discovering ADHD recently. Of course emotional dysregulation has been a part of marriage.
And forget about ADHD, we have CPTSD. From violence. The fuse used to be way shorter, and we're still hot heads.
I fucking HATE losing things. It's the quickest way to piss me off.
Nobody was ever violent. Things get thrown/broken only when the other isn't home and it's cleaned up immediately.
Not only have we both taken care to ensure we aren't traumatizing the other, we have diligently worked to reduce toxicity.
That was years before ADHD was ever in our vocab. So, hate to say it because it's said a lot... But I'm not gonna let you use ADHD as an excuse. Is it a reason you're violent? Sure.
But just one reason. The other reason is that you didn't care enough to restrain yourself and learn how to better manage your brain.
So, to answer your question- yes, I would date someone with neurodivergence.
I would not date a violent person. Violent people do not have a place in the dating world..
I have both, and I think anyone I'd want to date would end up being ND in some fashion simply as a result of the communication styles and love languages I like. My fiancée is AuDHD and as much as we drive each other crazy, she's absolutely perfect for me and I wouldn't change her for anything.
I dont have adhd but I do also keep my keys on a carabiner because I will loose them otherwise (they are currently lost, but for other reasons), and my mother always told me I sounded like a janitor because of the clanking of keys but I never stopped because I know that it what helps me not be locked out kf my house. I think that it was selfish on her part to make u remove them simply because she didnt like the look and it doesn't seem like she wanted to understand ur perspective.
My partner is AuDHD. My girlfriend is ADHD. Pretty much everyone I date is some flavour of neurospicy - so yes, big time 😊
I have ADHD (and probably autism, but never got tested for it), and I would most likely ONLY date someone else who was neurodivergent. Just based on my history, I really feel most comfortable and like I'm understood/seen by people who also have ADHD or are autistic or AuDHD.
Frequently. Almost exclusively. Not sure I’ve been attracted to someone who isn’t???
I think it takes a very special, patient, and understanding person to date someone with autism and adhd, and I am not that person. I hold two high stress jobs that require a lot of support, compassion, and care. When I go home I want my life to be chill. It sounds like you have a good sense of your struggles, how to navigate them, and what you need in a partner. Having this self awareness is so valuable. Lots of folks have that combination of autism and ADHD. It’s important to have someone who truly loves you for you.
Both of my girlfriends have ADHD. One is autistic, too. They're both day-to-day functional. I also have ADHD. My partners and I work through the challenges we face being neurodevelopment independently and as a group and the three of us are stronger together. A carabiner to me seems like a very reasonable accomodation, and like has lesbian implications too? Like, if she thought it was "ugly and repulsive" then the two of you could find something that works better? ADHD cannot be cured at this time, and her wanting to even attempt to do so feels like a red flag, especially (i assume) since she's not a licensed medical professional.
I have adhd and autism I'm also a trans girl from the UK still in the closet though I'm 28 Anyone else uk?
Half my friends are adhd chess kids, and I *would* have a relationship with them all.
The person I’m seeing has both, and frankly, I think I’m on the autism spectrum myself.
I have autism, so yeah I would. It maybe would be harder for me to be with not autistic person, but I can't know as I never was in relationship
Well I have autism myself so. What I will say is, it takes a lot of patience and understanding. My exes haven’t been able to…do that. Let’s just say that.
I mean, birds of a feather flock together, I don't have a problem dating someone who understands my struggles
Yes, I would prefer being with someone who has ADHD and/or Autism. I am autistic myself and struggle to be around Neurotypicals. My last relationship was a huge struggle for my mental health. I'm not usually talkative but I found myself really comfortable around my ex. It was honestly my first time seeing that side of who I am! She didn't like it, and our relationship ended not soon after I got diagnosed with autism.
OfCourseIKnowHerShesMe.gif
The more I hear about your ex, the more I want to fight her. But I digress, yes I would certainly try to be with someone who as adhd or autism but Id be cautious because Im also on the spectrum (I have Audhd) and Ive always been weary about how my particular brand of neurodivergence interacts with others. The last thing I want is to be with someone whom we both drive each other mad just from being around each other.
I have autism and my fiancée is AuDHD. It’s all about patience and emotion regulation. DBT/CBT can help a lot with regulating bigger reactions
I have adhd i was pretty upfront with my girlfriend about it and she’s amazing-she took a while to understand how i get overwhelmed in crowded situations and tend to shut down but she’s finally figured it out. She also knows i loose shit like all the time and there’s times when we walk out of the house she asks “key? Phone? Wallet?” At the same time I also actively try to work on my adhd too-my insurance pays for speech therapy and it’s something I’ve utilized in the past to help build higher cognitive function skills that I lack (note taking, even help interviewing and writhing a resume! Organizational, word finding etc) so yes plenty of people don’t have a problem with adhd or autism in my experience but I think you also have to be willing to work on the tasks that you need improvement on (for me I always keep my wallet in my right back pocket, keys in left pocket phone in right. I walk out of the house and pat each pocket. Get out of the car and pat my pockets, etc just to ensure nothing has gone missing)
I'm neurotypical and I would but obviously we'd have to vibe and be compatible.
I mean I have adhd and my spouse is autistic
AuDHD girl here, so of course ❤️
I’m potentially on the spectrum myself (never been diagnosed) and my ex got diagnosed with ADHD when we were dating. Would I date someone neurospicy? Absolutely. Would I date someone who reacts violently to minor inconveniences? Absolutely not. There is an undercurrent of blaming and bitterness in your post towards your ex. There is potentially some work to do there, I don’t think your diagnosis is the problem.
My partner has both so yes.
I think i could deal with someone with ADHD/autism. One of my longest standing friends is most likely on the spectrum (she's in the process to get diagnosed). She once told me that she liked me for just taking her as she is. I never even noticed she was "different" and thought she was bullied bc she was bold, cool and alternative. So, yeah, I wouldn't mind dating someone like that. But I'm definitely hard to date as I'm sorta avoidant
It all depends on communication. There are a lot of factors that can make it difficult to the point of ending a relationship. But autism and ADHD aren't immediately deal breakers, just like being neurotypical isn't an immediate success. If a person can communicate with me on a way that works for both of us, and the attraction is there, then I don't really think I matters if someone is neurodivergent or not.
I have AuDHD and my wife is autistic. I think we’re perfect together and we understand each other on a much deeper level than an allistic person would. When either of us is having a shutdown or gets stuck or gets overstimulated or even just stimming or any of the unique aspects of being neurodivergent we understand what’s happening and how it feels and generally we can kind of help each other get through the hard times and we really appreciate the good times. I’ve dated allistics many times in my life. My wife is the only one that understands me on the deepest level and I deeply understand her. I’ve never been so happy.
As someone who is AuDHD and is in a current relationship and lost my last relationship partially due to no managing my ADHD properly its a give and take. The best relationships I've had were with people that had complimentary neurological conditions to mine. My current relationship is going smoother than my last because she's patient, understanding, and accepting, AND I have made adjustments in my life and the things I do to be a good partner as well as to manage my symptoms in an appropriate way. She knows that I'm always gonna struggle with certain things because of my conditions but I still try to implement interventions to help. Being autistic you're always going to struggle with anything related to social situations in one way or another. It's not completely hopeless but it won't be easy.
Idk if you know this, but neurodivergent people are 30 to 70% more likely to identify as queer. So a big majority of queer people are neurodivergent.